I’m not a big Kobe Bryant fan but dang this is a catchy commercial. Enjoy:

Nothing should bring in the FCC quicker than the intersection of these two phrases: “Martha Stewart” and “pole dancing”. Well, not really pole dancing, more like wriggling uncomfortably in close proximity to a pole.

I ask you NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell- which is more offensive? Martha on the pole or OchoCinco?

May God help us all.

Apparently Brett Favre is a big American Idol fan. I don’t watch the Idol but I understand this song has become a viral sensation. Here’s Brett’s version:

…and here’s the original:

…and finally, if you didn’t see Favre’s performance this weekend, you missed one for the ages, including this sick 47-yard touchdown pass. A dime to Sidney Rice in the face of heavy pressure. The old man still has it.

You’re welcome.

Ohio State - 70
Purdue - 66

How’s that taste Boilermakers? Consider Tuesday night a little payback for the football win this season.

Down by 13 and with a little over 7 minutes to go, unranked and reeling Ohio State went into West Lafayette and knocked off one-loss and 6th-ranked Purdue.

The Buckeyes were led by all-everything Evan Turner and his 32 points. If there’s a more valuable player in college basketball than Turner, I don’t know who it is; maybe John Wall at Kentucky.

And the Buckeyes got the win despite lanky white figurine Robbie Hummel nailing 8 first half 3-pointers for Purdue. The eight 3-pointers was a Purdue record, not for a half but for an entire game.

The win doesn’t really equal the damage inflicted from the Purdue football team, but it certainly helps heal the wound. Boilermaker fans- suck on that.

You’re welcome.

From SNL this weekend, here’s a little racial sensitivity training with Charles Barkley. Enjoy:

Houston Yates 170, Houston Lee 35

That was the score for a high school basketball game in Texas. I wouldn’t expect a state like Texas to have a mercy rule for high school basketball but a 135-point win doesn’t belong in high school basketball. It was 100-12 at the half. Blame it on scheduling, blame it on this coach, either way, it doesn’t belong.

I love my Bucks

I’m looking forward to re-watching the Rose Bowl to break down what went down in Pasadena (unlike the last few bowl games), but the bottom line is that Ohio State made the plays when they needed to and Oregon didn’t.

Three stunners stay with me as I sit awash in the post-Rose-Bowl-glow.

First and foremost was how Ohio State came out passing. 37 passing attempts is not something I thought would have been anywhere near the realm of possibility. In my mind, the gameplan was very obvious- ball control run game on offense eventually wearing down a smaller defense and bend but don’t break keep-it-in-front-of-you defense. Maybe the obvious nature of the offensive opportunity was the point and why Jim Tressel and his staff remain smarter than I am, at least when it comes to football.

The gameplan is one thing, but Pryor’s execution of the gameplan was tremendous. He still underthrows some balls but his pocket presence showed marked improvement, particularly his feel for when to run and when to throw. He’s just scratching the surface and assuming his progression takes a linear path, big things are in store for 2010 and 2011.

The second stunner was Ohio State’s special teams. Ohio State’s kick coverage and kick return game was horrible, borderline game changing and not in a good way.

Oregon started six of their ten drives from their own 38 yard line or better. Ohio State started seven of their eleven drives at their own 20 yard line or worse.

Those are stunning statistics when you consider that Ohio State held Oregon to only 17 points. If you told me before the game that Oregon would spend most of the game in Ohio State territory and the Buckeyes would still win, I’d have called you a liar and returned the Christmas gift I bought for you.

And speaking of the defense, the third stunner is the Ohio State D. Not only did Ohio State not allow a single 100-yard rusher for yet another game, but the defense shut down Masoli’s ability to pass and contributed to the Rose Bowl record 42-to-18 minute time of possession advantage.

You can certainly argue that had LaMichael James been able to play the entire game (he missed part in the locker room for x-rays) he might have been able to go over 100 yards, but he didn’t. He finished with 70 yards on 15 carries for a solid 4.0 ypc average.

Jim Heacock is long overdue to be mentioned by college football analysts along with the best defensive minds in the business. The personnel they recruit, the scheme, and the execution puts the Ohio State defense in the top 10 every year.

By the same token, Luke Fickel deserves similar recognition. He’s obviously got coaching chops and having spent several years now getting Tresselized and listening to Fickel in interviews, he’s due for some head coaching opportunities. It will hurt to lose him but he deserves whatever he ends up getting.

The rest of the Rose Bowl is all upside for the Buckeyes- stopping the bowl game losing streak, finding an offensive identity, improving the national perception of the Big Ten, building momentum for next year, and on and on.

Time will tell how good the ‘10 Buckeyes will be, the return of Gibson and Heyward would be a huge lift, but this is clearly a pre-season top five team next year with Miami, Michigan and Penn State at home and only road games at Wisconsin and Iowa as tough tests.

More to follow.

I hope your day yesterday was better than this dude’s:

I love that the dude in the black jersey is writhing on the ground like he’s injured. I’m sure his shin is reeeeeeeeal hurt from slamming into some dude’s junk. Pansies.

The bowl season starts to get more interesting today with Pitt -v- North Carolina and Boston College -v- USC. I’m interested to see who wins the battle between Pitt’s offense and UNC’s defense. I’m also interested on a scale of 1 to 10 where will USC’s apathy come in at, I’m going with a 6.5 or something. Whatever. I really don’t care.

I’ll have full game previews of the games that matter in the next day or two.

You’re welcome.

In case you need to pick up a last minute gift, here’s a great idea from Jimmy Kimmel (HT to RLong). Merry Christmas to you and yours from the Red Renee global empire.

You’re welcome.

Inappropriate to laugh while describing a gruesome murder? Sure. But looking at the picture of the perp in this one certainly explains why this chick couldn’t hold it together:

With the dead time between the end of the college football regular season and meaningful bowl games, I thought it might be an interesting exercise to look at Buckeyes in the NFL by position.

The data comes from ESPN and I made one change to it. Because the Jets play a 3-4 defense, Vernon Gholston is technically listed as a linebacker but I changed him back to a Defensive End. Though, if you asked Jet fans, he probably should be listed as on the “unable to perform” list.

Ohio State has 7 players at each of three different positions on active NFL rosters- Linebacker, Cornerback and Wide Receiver. With four players at Safety also, you could argue Ohio State has become Secondary U (insert Michigan joke here).

A bit surprising and at the same time not, is that Troy Smith is the only Ohio State Quarterback on an active NFL roster. Other positions with only one Buckeye include Defensive Tackle, Offensive Guard, Offensive Tackle, Kicker, Tight End and sadly, Running Back.

As for Penn State being “Linebacker U”, while that obviously is more of a historical reference for Nittany Lion fans, the present clearly doesn’t support that claim. PSU has four linebackers on active NFL rosters and two of those are Tim Shaw and Cameron Wake, both of whom I had to look up because I had never heard of them.

Here’s the full list of active Buckeye players for your perusal:

You’re welcome.

Not sure where the original for this comes from but H/T to part-time Brad for the find. Hilarious:

An old one from the Onion that I missed. Not timely but damn it’s funny. Enjoy:

Obama’s Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

You’re welcome.

If you’re looking to warm up sometime this week, whether it’s after going out to get the mail or knocking the ice off your car, just think about the warm times when you used your jet ski in your hot tub. Yep, that just happened.

You’re welcome.

That’s what the last second of the Texas-Nebraska Big XII Championship Game was worth to Mack Brown- $2 million. Actually, $2 million times the number of years he coaches at Texas from next year forward, so we’ll put the over/under total value at $8 million. Here’s the play in case you need a refresher:

That play is worth $2 million per year thanks to the University of Texas Board of Regents. That brings Mack’s new salary to $5 mil per year, a staggering number considering that’s equivalent to $10 million in Texas dollars or $50 million pesos depending on where Mack retires.

You can be damn sure the overlords at Notre Dame are none too pleased with the timing of Mack’s contract escalation. That little Christmas present probably cost some Notre Dame booster $4 or $5 million.

CBS actually put this together- Barney Stinson meets Frosty the Snowman. A mashup between “How I Met Your Mother” and Frosty. Don’t let your kids watch this:

Cincinnati Head Coach Brian Kelly is meeting with the Notre Dame overlords today according to reports in an effort to discuss how much it’s going to take to get Kelly to leave UC.

To start off the meeting, I strongly recommend Kelly fuses Flashdance with some MC Hammer shit (after all, it is for charity):

Fret not Cincy fans, with Dantonio to Michigan State and Kelly to Notre Dame you can now claim your school as one of the finest placement services in all of college football. Bravo.

*assuming he accepts the job

Five undefeated teams and only two can play in the championship game; yep- the BCS is deeeeeeeeeefinitely working. All five undefeateds get fat cash glory for their conferences and that’s all that really matters in modern college football.

We’re guaranteed to have at least two undefeated teams at the end of the season, with the possibility of three. I hope the AP voters have a sense of humor come final ballot time.

If I were in charge of the selection panel for the college football playoffs, these would be the first round matchups, which would be played in two weeks at the home stadium of the higher ranked team:

#8 Ohio State @ #1 Alabama
#7 Oregon @ #2 Texas
#6 Cincinnati @ #3 TCU
#5 Boise State @ #4 Florida

You’re welcome.

Ricordati headed to South Bend?

As heard on the radio show he co-hosts in Columbus in the afternoon, Mike Ricordati indicated he may be interested in taking over the head job in South Bend. The move, despite being a lateral one from afternoon Columbus sports talk show to Head Coach at an independent I-A football program, would be a good challenge for the veteran radio man.

Ricordati would likely use his folksy common sense and moniker of “the Common Man” to shore up recruiting and get Notre Dame back into contention for the EagleBank Bowl and other lucrative post-season swag trips.

A source at Notre Dame would not confirm if Ricordati is in fact a candidate for the vacancy left by Chuck Weis. Randy Edsall could also not be reached for comment.

Buckeye nation- prepare yourself for an infinite array of day-glo yellow and green combinations in Pasadena. And I would suspect the Eugene Back Street Boys will be there as well:

In case you missed the 2nd half, Oregon RB LeGarrette Blount made his first appearance since he got suspended for the season. At the time Blount came in, Oregon was down and Blount was the shot in the arm (or punch in the chin) the Ducks needed. Blount finished with 9 carries for 51 yards and a touchdown.

After signing a contract extension through 2016 (4 years after the end of the world), TCU Head Coach Gary Patterson took an opportunity to dote on the evil empire- the BCS.

Here’s Patterson on the BCS (and imagine him holding a fistful of cash in one hand and a chili dog in the other):

Is it easier to win one game for a championship? Or to have to win four?” Patterson asked. “If you have a playoff, you practice and get on a plane and play. And if you lose, it’s over. If you go to a bowl game, you’re there seven days and the kids can enjoy a place and get rewarded.

Patterson spews part of the BCS fight song- the false notion that it’s an either/or proposition with the bowls and a championship game. To refute his noise, I’ll set the record straight:

*8-team playoff with the lower-seeded team playing at the home stadium of the higher-seeded team
*Losers of round one still go to a bowl game as a consolation prize
*4 winners move on and play in one of two National Semifinals that make use of two of the existing BCS bowls on a rotating basis. All four teams get still get the “bowl” experience with the SWAG, the pomp and circumstance, and the trim.
*Winners play in the D-I National Championship two weeks after semifinals.

What went unsaid from Coach Patterson was that he’s perfectly happy to collect a fat BCS payday for his conference with the potential of back-dooring into the national championship and he knows damn well his team, as good as it is, would be a severe longshot to make it through a playoff.

Cash and a fear of change are the cold hard reality of the BCS. As close as Patterson came to a real moment of honesty, he stopped short and cowardly hid behind the company line. I’d love to hear from TCU’s players to see if they share his same sentiments.

You’re welcome.

Swill merchant Dennis Dodd from CBSSports.com is at it again. His latest blast praises the BCS, an act that should be met by public stoning in the streets.

A principal theme of his is that simply getting the undefeated teams into BCS bowls is success for college football. I don’t know what bizzaro world Dodd lives in but that type of ignorant logic belongs nowhere near college football.

Here’s an excerpt from his ill-conceived etude in crap minor titled “For all its flaws, BCS walking the right path”:

Whoever thought we’d be turning to the BCS for clarity and hope? But here we are. The Bowl Championship Series, by dumb luck more than master plan, has worked this season. For the second time in the BCS era, it’s possible there could be five undefeated teams at the end of the season (Alabama/Florida, Texas, TCU, Boise State and Cincinnati). For the first time, all of them would be playing in BCS bowls.

Complete and utter filth. You sir Mr. Dodd are part of the problem. Read the full article here.

Episode 13 from Dan Rubenstein. Line of the vid: “Fight on troublemakers of the sea”. Enjoy:

Ten answers to ten questions I didn’t ask. With the turkey (cooked it dry I did) I didn’t get Ten Questions up last week. There was plenty of knowledge dropped on us though, namely that Tebow is out of his cage, Mickey Andrews picked a shitty year to retire, and the services of Charlie Weis are in high demand (as an NFL O-Coordinator). On to the ten (five) answers…

1.) It may be debatable as to whether or not defense wins championships, but it sure as hell wins regular season games. What is the common thread between each of the fallen glory teams this year (Notre Dame, Michigan, Florida State)? It’s bad defense.

Consider where each of these teams ranks in scoring defense:
Florida State - 98th
Michigan - 79th
Notre Dame - 64th

Despite being able to light up the scoreboard offensively, all of those programs have had significant difficulty this season stopping opponents (or even slowing them down in some cases). Let that help you go to sleep better at night Buckeye nation- as long as Jim Heacock and company are rocking the fierce D, things can’t go too far awry.

Even in the case of USC and Oklahoma, the defense hasn’t been horrible but the offense hasn’t been able to do enough to make up the difference.

2.) Cincinnati 49, Illinois 36

Tony Pike is a bad man. I don’t care who you’re playing, six touchdown passes in one game is pretty sweet. Tha’ts like 4 1/2 games worth of touchdown passes for TP. To keep Cincy fan’s ego in check, that was Illinois, and not Dick Butkus’ Illinois, the Zookers 3-8 Illinois.

Allowing the Illini to drop half a 72 on you is a problem. Sugarcoat it all you want. I still think TCU is the best of the non-BCS schools (yes I just called Cincy a non-BCS school- deal with that) but I would looooove to see Cincy take on Alabama, preferably at Alabama.

The $32 million dollar elephant in the Bearcat room is obviously Brian Kelly. Notre Dame fans should be comforted by the fact that everything Kelly touches turns to gold. Not only did he win at Grand Valley State and win at Central Michigan and win at Cincinnati, he’s done it convincingly and with an Urban Meyeresque go-for-the-throat attitude. Losing a stud QB like Pike would cripple most teams (see Oklahoma), yet all Kelly and Cincinnati did was tap Zach Collaros on the shoulder and ask him to go destroy three teams until Pike was ready to go again. Put Pike back in, six touchdowns, voila.

I hate to say it Bearcat nation, but there’s no better place for a gold-encrusted coach to go then Notre Dame. It’s going to happen; you’re a stairstep program. Kelly- any concern about what decision to make, give Greg Schiano a call at Rutgers.

3.) Boise State 44, Nevada 33
TCU 51, New Mexico 10

We’re guaranteed at least three undefeated teams at the end of the regular season so the BCS must be working. Boise State and TCU both finished their regular seasons undefeated and await their bowl fate.

TCU is a lock for the BCS but Boise State should have some heartburn until the official pairings come out. I think the Broncos are in but it’s all about the benjamins playa. I hope they don’t get in so somebody starts stirring up some BCS trouble (other than old white guys/the President in Washington).

I don’t think TCU or Boise deserve a spot in the BCS national championship game but they do deserve to play their way into it. It would be an unbelievable spectacle to see them go to Florida or Texas or Alabama to play in order to move on to the semifinals. There’s just no parity in the regular season schedules and there never will be.

4.) Florida 37, Florida State 10

It’s officially time for “Weekend at Bobby’s“ to be over. You know the movie- the two kids try to keep the party going by propping up the old man making it look like he’s still pulling all the strings. Anthony McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman it’s over. Time to divvy up the estate.

The eternal optimist in me would like to think that if FSU had Christian Ponder behind center, the ‘Noles could have kept the game closer. The realist in me knows an entire A-Team van full of past Florida State quarterbacks could have shown up and it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.

I hate to say it because I think he’s one of the best assistant coaches of the last 20 years but the atrophy in the Seminole defense under the direction of Mickey Andrews is a huge reason why the Seminoles are where they are. That and they’ve had these guys as their last five quarterbacks:

*Drew Weatherford
*Xavier Lee
*Wyatt Sexton
*Adrian McPherson
*Chris Rix

5.) West Virginia 19, Pittsburgh 16

Wannstache!! Anyone who bet their hard-earned money on Pittsburgh over West Virginia needs a hug this week. Pitt lost to the Mountaineers via a late field goal, taking considerable wind out of the coming Pitt-Cincy matchup this weekend. Pittsburgh Board of Tourism, know this- had Pitt won last week I was on my way to the city of 2+1 Rivers but now I’m not. Thank the Wannstache for the loss of my tourism dollars- and I’m a big spender. Suck on that.

You’re welcome.

Subtitled “Breasts, thighs and homo-erotica on live national television”.

Sunday marks three years for this website, an anniversary I consider substantial since I have such a short attention span. I’d like to personally thank all the spammers that constantly bombard my pages. No birthday spam necessary.

Our first post was a little social commentary, something that I feel compelled to commemorate on this occasion, and I will do so with Adam Lambert. Adam Lambert, you may recall was on American Idol or something like that (incidentally Adam Lamberg is somebody totally different).

I have a multi-year disdain for the American Music Awards since most of the music is unlistenable, plus there are about 25 too many award shows. The shows are nothing but opportunities for insecure Hollywood types to stroke their own egos.

Lambert closed the 2009 American Music Awards with an s&m-laden sex-charged performance of a song off his album. Aside from the gross inappropriateness of the performance on live tv- including an oral sex simulation and a man-on-man kiss, the music sucks and the vocal performance was even worse. The performance assaulted me on so many levels, I’m not even sure where to begin.

So I’ll begin with the FCC.

Five years ago CBS was fined $550k by the FCC for Janet Jackson’s nipslip during the Super Bowl. Where does the FCC come in on a penalty for the Lambert performance? They haven’t; instead, they’re concerned about things like this:

Comment Sought on Broadband Measurement and Consumer Transparency of Fixed Residential and Small Business Services in the U.S.

ABC and Dick Clark Entertainment are pulling down videos of the Lambert video faster than Perez Hilton likely got to his feet for a standing O following the performance, but until it’s gone here’s the show:

With all of this in mind, I present the Ten Things involving Janet Jackson’s gleaming nipple that are less offensive than Adam Lambert’s AMA performance:

1. Janet Jackson’s gleaming nipple co-hosting Saturday Night Live with Octomom

2. Janet Jackson’s gleaming nipple crushing a small woodland creature

3. JJGN giving the bro handshake to Hugo Chavez

4. JJGN helping to sneak illegals across the border

5. JJGN high-fiving Mariah Carey’s nipple

6. JJGN giving the exploding fist-bump to Ellen Degeneres’ nipple

7. JJGN tackling Chicago Bears Wide Receiver Devin Hester and partially pulling down his draws

8. JJGN standing next to Josh McDaniels while he drops the F bomb on the NFL Network

9. JJGN playing in the BCS Championship

10. Both of Janet Jackson’s nipples getting exposed during the Super Bowl with Larry King standing next to her in a Speedo and a green poker visor (only those two) giving a thumbs up

You’re welcome.