Clichés abound in pro sports locker rooms. Overheard this week in Denver- Defensive Lineman Gerard Warren: “There’s plenty of time to get it back on track. It’s an up and down season. It just happens that we’re climbing up a hill right now.” Defensive Lineman Kenard Lang also chimed in: “Every game is a must-win to me. …you don’t want to get behind the eight-ball.”

With so many clichés spewing forth, it’s only a matter of time before metaphors and clichés get mixed up in an eargasmic treat of communicative delight. First came San Francisco Cornerback Walt Harris recounting his resurgence after a journeyman season in the NFL: “I’ve always had confidence in myself. I’m just seeing the fruits of what I’ve felt internally.” Hey Walt- good game, but keep the fruits in your pants.

Then this one. Dallas’ Defensive End Marcus Spears (no relation to Brittany) on the teams recent success: “I think the magnitude of what we can do now and how we can set ourselves up in the future and hopefully getting into the playoffs, I think it’s important and it’s prevalent. The air is thick right now.” Marcus- I’ll give you a few minutes to look up “prevalent” in the dictionary. After that, you and I can discuss why the air in Dallas is suddenly denser. Maybe someone should alert Al Gore. I smell a documentary.

Cowboy’s Cornerback Aaron Glenn continued (in reference to the Cowboy’s probable playoff run): “It’s almost like guys are smelling it. Last year, it was almost like, ‘Wow’ that we’re in it. This year, all the guys expect to be in it. That’s different, expecting it then when it jumps on like ‘Wow’,” OK- I’m seeing a trend in Dallas, there’s something that people are stepping in, it smells, and it’s making the air thick. Screw Al Gore, somebody call Cuba Gooding Jr. and Dustin Hoffman.

Finally, Atlanta Falcon’s Receivers Coach George Stewart on their pass-catching issues: “For anything to grow, it has to die.”

Ahhh… the circle of life.

Source: AP Newswire

Finally, Atlanta Falcon’s Receivers Coach George Stewart on their pass-catching issues: “For anything to grow, it has to die.”

Ahhh… the circle of life.

Source: AP Newswire

Dateline: South Bend

Tired of the ridiculous bias toward Notre Dame in college football polls as well as bowl pairings, I decided to take a walk down memory lane. Surely historical evidence over the last three years supports the 5 poll spots they get boosted each week and the absurd fact that they continue to be mentioned in BCS bowl conversations. Wins over quality opponents must justify the favoritism they receive so let’s start piling those babies up.

2003 was a rough year- Notre Dame finished 5-7 but still managed a win over a quality opponent in 10-3 Washington State. 2004 saw the Irish finishing with a 6-6 record but two quality wins on the record- an 8-point win over 9-3 Michigan and a 4-point win over 10-3 Tennessee. 2005 was Charlie Weis’ first year at the helm and a great rebound for ND (as was widely reported), they must have taken down some very strong opponents… Nope. Not a single win over a team from a BCS conference that finished with 3 or fewer losses. Surely 2006 is different, right? Not much. The only quality win this year is over Georgia Tech who at the moment is 9-3. In case you didn’t graduate from Notre Dame, that adds up to four “quality” wins over the last four seasons.

Even with only the four quality wins, they’re still Notre Dame. They’re still deserving of the leniency they’re granted in the polls and the massive $$’s that come their way from BCS Bowls. Not quite. A quick look at the records shows they’re almost there. With just one more quality win, they’ll be . Iowa has scored wins over 9-3 Minnesota (2003), 9-3 Michigan (2003), 9-3 LSU (2004), 9-3 Wisconsin (2004) and 10-3 Wisconsin (2005). That’s one more than ND.

Don’t fret golden Domers, you’re only two quality wins away from being Virginia Tech. The Hokies have put together quality wins over 11-2 U. of Miami (2003), 9-3 U. of Miami (2004), 9-3 Louisville (2005), 9-3 Boston College (2005), 11-1 West Virginia (2005), and 10-2 Wake Forest (2006). In likely two more seasons, Notre Dame can scale the massive heights the Va. Tech program has.

Maybe it’s just the way the schedule has worked out. Maybe Notre Dame’s schedule hasn’t afforded them the opportunity to pick up any more quality wins. Try again. In that same time frame (2003-2006), Notre Dame lost to 8 quality opponents. I’ve already established I didn’t go to Notre Dame, but I’m pretty sure that’s a 4-8 record against quality opponents over the last four years. I’m also pretty sure that sucks.

But bowl games is where they’ve shined, right? Sure they get preferential treatment come bowl selections, but they show up and dominate whomever they play.

Wrong again.

Notre Dame has lost four bowl games in a row by an average score of 35-15.

So please, I beg you Mr.Mrs. BCS Selection Committee person, keep Notre Dame out of the BCS so they can win the Life Cereal Bowl and focus on becoming Iowa, or better still, Virginia Tech.

Innocent until proven guilty…or stupid.

The Real Crime is Overpaying for a Mitsubishi Galant

* A man, 42, of Island Creek, Ohio, waived his right to a preliminary hearing Nov. 14 before Murray on charges of theft by deception, receiving stolen property and writing bad checks. Moon police said that on Dec. 1, the man bought a 2003 Mitsubishi Gallant from Andretti Airport Toyota with a check for $7,500 that was returned for insufficient funds.

If you can follow this one, you’ve had more coffee than me

* Dog owner charged with assault of postman. A South Toledo man was charged yesterday with trying to hit a U.S. Postal Service letter carrier with his car after he became upset that the carrier pepper-sprayed his dog when the canine tried to bite him, authorities said. An arrest warrant was issued for Mr. Elmore, 21, of 1318 Stanwix Drive, charging him with felonious assault. He is accused of driving his car into the front yard of 1354 Stanwix Saturday morning in an attempt to hit Mr. Pitzen, 58, after he sprayed Mr. Elmore’s dog when it tried to bite him as he was delivering mail, the warrant states. Mr. Pitzen was approaching Mr. Elmore’s residence when the suspect’s pitbull charged at him in the front yard. Mr. Pitzen said Mr. Elmore told him to stand still, which he did, but Mr. Elmore did not restrain the dog. Mr. Pitzen said he told Mr. Elmore to get the dog or he would pepper-spray him, police said. As he reached for the spray, Mr. Elmore grabbed the carrier while the dog tried to bite him. The dog was sprayed as Mr. Pitzen fled. Mr. Elmore got into his car and chased the carrier down the street, police said. Off-duty Officer Ms. Kujawa approached Mr. Elmore’s car, identified herself as an officer, and asked for his driver’s license. He yelled and swore at her, swerved his car toward her, almost hitting her. She jumped out of the way and Mr. Elmore fled, police said.

A good bit of change to the BCS picture following this past weekend, with USC moving to # 2 following their ass-kicking of mediocre Notre Dame and the dramatic rise of LSU from # 10 to # 5. If we have our way and get an 8-team playoff, here’s the updated pairings (remember, round 1 games are played at home for higher-seeded teams):

# 8 Boise State at # 1 Ohio State # 7 Wisconsin at # 2 USC # 6 Louisville at # 3 Michigan # 5 LSU at # 4 Florida

Story lines abound here just like the projected pairings last week- Boise vs. Ohio State feels like a 16 vs. 1 March Madness matchup (sub-plot- Boise State playing away from their blue astroturf on the sloppy green turf at the ’shoe). The Big Ten also-ran (Wisconsin) vs. the Pac-10 champ and most dominant team west of the Mississippi (USC). The best of the mid-Majors Louisville (oh that’s right, the Big East is a BCS conference, I keep forgetting that) playing in the big house against the nation’s second best team. And one more brutal SEC clash in LSU Florida- this one an exact rematch at the swamp- Florida won round 1 23-10 back in October.

Lobby your Congressman, your college President, and your paperboy and let’s make this happen. Vote “yes” on issue 1 for a college football playoff.

You’re welcome.

Scour the country… someone has stolen the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In its place on Thanksgiving morning was an insufferable combination of bad lip-syncing, uncomfortable emceeing, and an endless parade of interviews with NBC “stars” promoting their “hit” shows. This whorification exhibited by NBC is inexcusable. What’s on tap for next year, splitting the screen into quarters and running “Law & Order: Thanksgiving” on three sides?

Also mixed in was a 45-minute commercial for Broadway, which by itself, I’m fine with. Culture (the noun) in this country is nearly bankrupt. But putting the Tony Awards in a Thanksgiving costume and passing it off to the general public is not acceptable.

I think I saw a few floats. Maybe a marching band or two and some cheerleaders, but not sure. As soon as the clock hit 15 seconds on a band, the cameras zoomed off to other things while Matt & Meredith threw down some schticky banter. At least Santa was still invited, but they managed to roll credits over top of him. Ho, ho, ho.

And worst of all, while gathered around the tv with my young children, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a tv ad for “Save Darfur.org” which mentioned burning bodies, rape, and genocide. Pass the rolls please. I appreciate calls for social responsibility and activism, but warn me so I can cover my children’s eyes and ears. I don’t know if NBC fully embraced this ad or if it was some sort of guerrilla advertising that snuck on; either way it was and is completely unacceptable. There are better ways to educate America than to shock and frighten children watching an innocent (albeit nearly unwatchable) parade.

If anyone happens to find the real Macy’s parade, call NBC immediately. I’ve got some leftover turkey I’ll offer up as a reward.

I’m calling an immediate truce to the escalating razor blade wars. I implore Gillette, Schick, Bic, and any other manufacturers of men’s shaving products to come together and put an end to the one-upsmanship taking place in the the competitive men’s grooming category.

In an unprecendented move, Gillette’s “next generation in shaving” the 5-blade Gillette Fusion, quickly answered the Schick Quattro, which was in response to the Gillette Mach 3. Trumpeted as “…the future of shaving,” the Gillette Fusion is clearly an example of excessive bladeage. The staff at redrenee.com asks: “When is it enough?” What man’s facial hair is so tough that he needs the equivalent of a weed wacker to trim it?

I fear we’re hurtling needlessly toward the widespread distribution of the “Schick Ocho.” Before anyone gets hurt, please put down the forceps and the microblades and step away from the R&D lab. All I want to do in the morning is walk out of the bathroom not looking like Bruce Willis in the “broken glass” scene from “Die Hard.” Work on that problem.

If, Deserve, Should…

Three words that don’t belong in sports: “If”, “Deserve”, and “Should.” Unfortunately, that’s what we’re left with in D-I college football. For all you poor slobs still unconvinced that a playoff is needed, consider the following:

We here at redrenee.com believe the best solution to eradicating the ridiculous subjectivity in college football is an 8-team playoff, with the first round being played at home for the higher-seeded teams. We don’t speculate what may happen in the remaining games this season, so if the season were to end today, here’s how the seeding would shake out based on the current BCS standings:

# 8 Wisconsin @ # 1 Ohio State # 7 West Virginia @ # 2 Michigan # 6 Arkansas @ # 3 USC # 5 Notre Dame @ # 4 Florida

Wisconsin thinks they’re the best one-loss team, no better way to prove it than to play the # 1 team that they avoided during conference play. West Virginia vs. Michigan- a battle of two immovable forces- West Virginia’s run attack vs. Michigan’s run defense.

Arkansas & USC- a rematch of the early season blowout- this time in SoCal. Notre Dame vs. Florida- If Notre Dame really wants to prove they deserve a shot at the title- go beat the Gators in the Swamp.

Revenue for the first round matchups would be distributed similarly to how it is today, with the home cities getting the added bonus of indirect revenue from hotels, restaurants, tomfoolery, etc.

Second round games would then be played using two of the existing BCS bowl games, in a similar rotating fashion. For argument’s sake, this year’s Fiesta Bowl could feature # 1 Ohio State vs. # 5 Notre Dame and the Sugar Bowl could match up # 2 Michigan and # 3 USC. The Rose Bowl then would host the real 1 vs. 2 championship. The odd man out in this scenario- the Orange Bowl- could take a Louisville v. Auburn matchup or Texas v. Rutgers for a battle of “the best of the rest”.

What about academics you say? Well, I’ve got a college degree, and I’ve even taken some post-graduate classes (money well spent…), without a doubt I believe the dedication, perseverance, ability to perform under pressure, and the confidence you get from playing in a high-profile college football game prepares you as well or better for life than any other class in the course catalog. Yeah- I’m talking to you Presidents of major universities.

You also say that a playoff would dilute the importance of the regular season in college football (like it does in college basketball)?? Well sit down and shut up. First of all, there are 1/3 the number of regular season football games vs. basketball. That alone makes the regular season in college football more significant. It’s like the difference between the MLB draft and the NFL draft. There are 15,000 rounds (or so) in the baseball draft which is (one reason) why no one cares about it. The NFL draft is seven spectacle-filled rounds complete with hotline phones, posses, and enough screaming/booing New York fans to fill a construction job scene on Soprano’s.

Second, as long as you limit the playoff field to 8 teams or less, it will always matter how many games you lose, when you lose and who you lose to.

Third, by adding in home field advantage for the first round of playoffs, it adds yet another incentive to regular season matchups.

There, I solved it. Now if we can just figure out how to make TV awards shows go away…

You’re welcome.

The Best TV Show Only Some of You are Watching

A cross between an animal documentary and West Side Story, with Lord of the Rings commentary to boot, Meerkat Manor (Friday, 8pm on Animal Planet) is the best show on television only some of you are watching. Rife with drama and storylines, terrific camera work, top notch editing and several literary references (two of the many “characters” are named “Youssarian” and “Shakespeare”), the show follows a clan of Meerkats called “the Whiskers” as they fight for survival in the Kalihari Desert. In just 30 minutes, each episode manages to blend storytelling, learning, and sometimes even violence in a cute little ferret-like package. Narrated by Sean Astin, it also packs some celebrity to it for those that need further incentive to watch. Among the endless crap on television, this one’s a gem. Season two just wrapped so now’s a good time to catch up on old episodes (they’re running marathons). Do yourself a favor and Tivo Meerkat Manor. If you don’t have Tivo, do yourself a favor and buy Tivo.

You’re welcome.

Dropped Cell Call Protocol

Here’s the scene: You’re talking on your cell phone and your call drops. Whether you’re driving through an underpass, passing by some sort of butte, or just minding your own business. It doesn’t matter if the person you’re talking to is also on a cell phone, though that doesn’t help. You quickly try to re-dial the person you were chatting with but of course they’re doing the same thing. You both get multiple busy signals. And then the cursing starts…

Well, never fear. We here at redrenee.com have a simple solution to this constant problem. It’s a simple rule to live by. No matter whether it’s a cell-to-cell or cell-to-land call, the person that initiates the call does the call back. If you were on the receiving end, sit on your hands and wait for the other party to call you back. Do this and you’ll save your sanity, save damage to your cell phone (by not throwing it out the window), and make the world a better place.

You’re welcome.