Maybe it’s ok after all to emasculate yourself for a few years by performing in a boy band. Besides being rich, Justin Timberlake has also dated (allegedly) a long list of smokin’ starlets, enough to make Scott Baio and Pauly Shore jealous (and that’s not easy). Here are some of the ladies that he’s reportedly “Justified”:
*Veronica Finn
*Britney Spears version 1.2 (pre skanky Britney (v2.0) and twice married Britney (v2.1 and v2.2 repectively)
*Jenna Dewan
*Alyssa Milano
*Cameron Diaz
*Scarlett Johansson
*Jessica Biel
Not too shabby for a former teeny castrati.
In other JT news, Producer turned rapper “Timbaland” has been touring and performing with Justin since early January. Timbaland was also one of the Producers on Justin’s most recent album “FutureSex/LoveSounds”. All of this reminds me of Letterman’s Uma-Oprah bit at the Oscars a few years ago. Can you imagine the first time Justin was introduced to his producer? It would go a lil’ something like this: “Timbaland: Timberlake. Timberlake: Timbaland.”
Who doesn’t need an extra SD card for a camera, pda, gps, new Wii, etc….?? Who doesn’t need a huge 2GB card?? Who doesn’t want to get paid $10 to take said card after rebate?? I know I do and so do you so here you go:
Well, guess who’s upset about the K-Fed commercial? Nope, not his parents, guess again. The restaurant industry. Steven Anderson, the President and CEO of the National Restaurant Association said in a released statement that the TV ad would insult the nation’s 12.8 million restaurant workers. Mr. Anderson said “We will make sure our members know that Nationwide isn’t on their side if it runs an ad during the Super Bowl that disparages the restaurant industry.”
Well Mr. Anderson, let me Super-Size this for you. You and your organization need to sit down and shut up. Do you take yourselves so seriously that you can’t understand irony? Can you not appreciate a little K-Fed-deprecating humor? What are you going to do if Nationwide does run the ad, have your constituents boycott the insurance industry? What about the rapper industry and the retarded former pop star spouse industry? Are you going to boycott them too? The funny part is K-Fed wouldn’t even be able to hold down a job in the fast food industry. That’s all lost on these people.
Well, I’ve got a better idea. It’s time for the insurance industry to do a pre-emptive boycott of the restaurant industry. Redrenee.com is officially declaring Tuesday, January 30th “Pack a Lunch” day. We encourage all employees of the various insurance companies to pack a lunch and deliver the message loud and clear to Steven Anderson: We’ll hit Burger King or Ruby Tuesday tomorrow.
Can you imagine if “Craig” from “Craig’s List” got married to “Angie” from “Angie’s List”? They’d never have trouble finding a reliable plumber and they’d always have a place to sell their old shit. Maybe that e-Harmony.com dude can make that happen.
Redrenee.com continues to count down to the Super Bowl with some of our favorite TV commercials. This one is an installment from VW’s GTI “Unpimp Your Ride” campaign. The campaign is ok- average premise, executed pretty well, got a few good lines, etc. What I really like about this one is that the German dude gets so excited about trashing the Mitsubishi, he can’t even finish his sentence- he gets choked up. Classic.
Inside the 20 yard line on both ends of a football field is commonly referred to as “the red zone.” Well, the clever folks at H.J. Heinz corporation (Heinz Ketchup) partner with the Pittsburgh Steelers and three other NFL teams calling it the “Heinz Red Zone”. Whenever the home team gets past the opponents 20 yard line (the “Heinz Red Zone”), Heinz makes a charitable donation. Awwwww. That’s nice. Too bad there’s a mean streak to that philanthropy.
Ketchup lightweight Red Gold also has a similar sponsorship in Indianapolis with the Colts called the “Red Gold Red Zone”. Red Gold donates to charity whenever the Colts get inside the red zone.
Everybody wins, right? Not exactly.
Heinz is red with anger. They sent the Colts a cease and desist letter and are actually pursuing (allegedly) trademark registration of the term “Heinz Red Zone” in the context of sporting events. Red Gold has fought back issuing a statement basically telling Heinz to piss off and for the citizens of Indianapolis to “overthrow the evil Heinz Ketchup empire” and “use pens to poke little holes in any Heinz ketchup bottles you come across at area supermarkets”. Ok, I made the last two quotes up. They did issue a statement though: http://www.redgold.com/news/index.html
In the name of avoiding similar disputes in the future, we suggest the following corporations take trademark registration action immediately:
How about the “Former Soviet Socialist Republic Red Zone”? Glasnost baby!!
The Old Spice “Red Zone”. No seriously, Old Spice’s deodorant is actually called “Red Zone”. Eat it Heinz
The “sideline heater” sponsored by “the dissipating o-zone layer”
The “line to use the restroom” brought to you by “your friends at the Bureau of Motor Vehicles”
Random drug testing sponsored by “Avodart”
Mark you calendars: RedRenee.com will be liveblogging during the Super Bowl next Sunday, February 4th. Keep your computer on during the game and keep hitting refresh. It’ll be like we’re sitting on the couch next to you, except that we won’t scam on your chips and beer.
A surprisingly quiet week for “Fun with english” given we’re leading up to the Super Bowl. Nonetheless, we did get two gems:
First, Raiders boss Al Davis mistakenly referred to newly hired Raiders’ coach Lane Kiffin as “Lance”. Davis quickly corrected himself but maybe this was Freudian. Given Kiffen’s age (31) and the fact that Kiffen is now the NFL’s youngest head coach, perhaps Davis should have more appropriately called him “Skippy” or “Sport”. Skippy Kiffen has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
Second, in an interview this week, Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo remarked that outgoing coach Bill Parcels “had his pulse on everything” in the Cowboys organization. I’m going to assume he meant The Tuna had his “finger on the pulse” and hope and pray that Tuna’s pulse isn’t some strange euphemistic inside joke. If it’s the latter, somebody better bust out some Clorox wipes.
On a separate, but related note regarding Tony Romo and his bobble of the field goal snap in the closing seconds of the Cowboys playoff loss- am I the only person that sees the opportunity for another Quarterback-Isotoner commercial? Surely the Dan Marino Isotoner patent has run out by now. If you’re reading this right now and you work for Isotoner or you’re Tony Romo, please make this happen. I’ll buy a pair of gloves, I promise.
I had the pleasure of having food poisoning two nights ago so as a result, I was up from about 2am to 7am. It was awesome. I’ve got several random thoughts to share from my intermittent TV viewing that evening. First, can someone please tell me why the little Hamburger Helper “glove” only has four fingers? Maybe it was the hallucinations induced from my abdominal retching, but that little glove freaks me out.
Speaking of abdominal retching, I found my new favorite infomercial. There are no fewer than a dozen “exercise” products devoted to abs. The Ab-Blaster, Ab-Lounge, Ab-Doer, Ab Master, Ab-Sonic (I’m not making any of these up), Million Dollar Abs,… you get the picture. Well, there’s a new Ab Sheriff in town and it’s called the “Red Exerciser”. It’s basically a bar stool with handles. According to the infomercial, the Red Exerciser along with cardiovascular exercise and a healthy diet will take “inches off your waistline.” Isn’t this the exercise equivalent of the “part of a complete breakfast” line in cereal commercials?
What would you be willing to pay for a bar stool that’s part of a complete exercise program? Try four “easy” payments of $39.95 plus $42.99 shipping and handling. I can’t make this crap up people, I wish I was creative enough. For only $12 more, you can get “priority” processing and “rush” shipping (which means your stool will be shipped in 7-10 business days). I’d hate to know how long the regular processing takes. I love this country.
After I ordered up a couple dozen Red Exercisers, I had the pleasure of catching most of what is now my new favorite Stephen Baldwin movie: “Scarred City.” Providing a synopsis of the plot wouldn’t do the movie justice. It’s everything one would want in a Stephen Baldwin film, bad plot, bad screenwriting, bad cinematography, and fantastically bad acting. Also in the ensemble for this piece of crap was Tia Carrere, Chazz Palminteri, and DB Woodside (President Wayne Palmer on “24″).
If you get a chance to see this movie, don’t. If you get a chance to see this movie in the middle of a bout with food poisoning, don’t do that either.
We don’t get into politics here at Redrenee.com so I hope this comes off as bipartisan (no offense to Green Partyers or Libertarians).
9:19 pm I love the State of the Union address. With the cheering and hootin’ and hollerin’, it makes me feel like I’m watching a session of Parliament.
9:21 pm Is it just me or does Cheney look like he’s scanning the crowd for a.) anyone not paying attention, and b.) who he’s going to take out back next for an ass-kicking.
9:22 pm I just caught Barack Obama with his head down either text messaging someone or playing PSP. At least he’s staying awake which is more than I can say for…
9:23 pm Just caught someone sleeping. Maybe they’re saving their energy for the booing toward the end.
9:32 pm Man, Bush is killing the Dems with kindness so far. What are they going to do with all those baseball bats and cans of silly string?
9:37 pm Pelosi’s blinking super fast right now. I wonder if she’s signalling some streaker in the back of the room to the “get this party started.” Or she might be throwing up gang signs.
9:38 pm Condi Rice looks pissed off. Maybe she intercepted Pelosi’s gang signs.
9:42 pm McCain is either asleep or texting Obama.
9:48 pm I love listening to W carefully enunciate three-syllable words. I’m going to miss that.
9:43 pm I’ve got a way to balance the federal budget. Each member of the Senate and House in the room for the address should sell advertising space on their suits. That way, there’s product placement on each pan away shot. Think of a room full of Nascar drivers. I know- brilliant. You can thank me later. So can your children.
10:01 pm And that’s the ballgame folks. Somebody tell Ted Kennedy he can tap the keg. Now it’s time for the talking heads on the left and right to tell us what we’re supposed to think.
Two news stories for you today that remind me why I stopped reading the newspaper and watching the local news. First, as reported on MSNBC.com, the moon is going to disentegrate. According to the report, in about 5 billion years, the sun will “swell until its distended atmosphere reaches out to envelop the earth and moon.” Awesome. Redrenee.com wonders why the hell Al Gore isn’t warning us about this.
Second, as reported at Slate.com, the most shoplifted grocery store item is…. Drumroll…. Meat. Meat barely edged out health and beauty aids (HBA in industry logo), particularly because nearly everything in the analgesic section is locked up these days. You have to sign and notorize a Tylenol purchase plus take a drug test on your way out of the store. What we want to know is if people are shoplifting meat (or “meatlifting” as the author of the story calls it (clever)), what do the meatlifters do with their clothes when they get home and they’re completed stained in disgusting goo and fluid from said stolen meat package? I can’t ever pick up a T-Bone without needing to wash my hands immediately. Doesn’t the $22 dry cleaning bill override the $15 worth of free meat?
Special Guest Contributor Mark O. checks in with a report from his softer side. Editor’s Note: The views and opinions (see “overpriced crap”) do not necessarily represent the views and opinions of Redrenee.com (the underwear part does) or its’ subsidiaries. Anyone who says otherwise is itching for a fight.
Next thing I know, I fall in love with a beautiful woman and we decide to marry, after the obligatory “living together†period of course. And guess what, she can’t cook! Ok, maybe “can’t†is too strong, but she definitely doesn’t like to and is thrilled to let me take control of the kitchen. In hindsight I often wonder if it was my cooking and not my sparkling wit and sexual prowess that won her over…hmmm. Anyhow, the next ten years or so go pretty much as expected. Get married, save money, buy a house, start a family. Now she’s a SAHM (Stay at Home Mom) and has all these other SAHM friends who sell Avon and Tupperware and Big Yellow Box and mail-order dirty underwear. They all have parties at each others’ homes and order stuff from each other…you know the drill. I’m not sure why they don’t just hand cash to each other but I guess the parties are really just excuses to have a few bottles of wine and get away from the husbands and kids for a while.
Anyhow, all this is well and good until my wife announces that she’s hosting a Tastefully Simple party. Now, I’m no gourmet snob or anything. I’ll use Shake and Bake or a jar of Manwich sauce when necessary, but this stuff is too much. Tastefully Simple bills itself as “a national direct sales company with over 30 scrumptious, convenience-driven gourmet foods for everyday enjoyment and special occasions.†Their words, not mine. Let’s take a look at a few of their offerings, shall we? We’ll start simple…Corn, Black Bean Salsa. Sounds fine, right? How about $7.99 for a 16 oz. jar?! I don’t know about where you live but I pay about $3.00 for a jar of Newman’s Own Black Bean and Corn Salsa, and the profit goes to charity! How about the T.S. Honey Teriyaki Sauce? Goes for $8.99 for an 8 oz. bottle. Give me my Kikkoman for $3.29 thank you very much. And now for the one that really gets me…Onion Onion. Mix this stuff with sour cream and guess what you get? Onion dip! This stuff is $8.99 for a 4 oz. jar that makes about 7 cups of dip. Compare that to a box of Lipton’s Onion soup mix, which has two envelopes that each makes 2 cups of dip, for less than $3.00. I think you see where this is going…
So, if your wife or girlfriend wants to have one of these “partiesâ€, let her. They’ll have fun and blow off some steam and you can trade it for a night of poker with the guys. But don’t ever let her tell you she bought stuff because it’s “so good†or “such a great deal!†It’s all overpriced crap that you can get a better quality version of at your neighborhood Target. Although the dirty underwear party does have promise…
