‘Dixie Chicks’ Win Mid-Term Elections

Evidence of further reparations from the Republicans to the Democrats came in the form of five Grammy awards last night for the “Dixie Chicks”. The chicks pulled in “Album of the Year,” “Record of the Year”, and “Song of the Year.” They just missed out on “CD of the Year”, “Laserdisc of the Year”, “Super-Audio CD of the Year”, and “MP3 of the Year.” Better luck next year.

Even standing on stage in Grammy victory, you could tell the Elven one (Natalie Maines) was biting her tongue. You could almost see her hearing the guiding voices in her head: “Elven country warrior, you have won. It is time to accept the spoils of war and lay down your weapons”.

The Grammies had all the feel of a well-funded high school talent show. The lack of talent present didn’t help. I’m not sure if someone new was producing the show, but it was disjointed and ill-conceived. The circular second stage in the middle of the audience was clearly uncomfortable for both audience members and performers. The sound level was off on several performances and that “contest to shred with Justin Timberlake” was both completely uncompelling and sleazy. It was the equivalent of Donald Trump doing a commercial for his own brand of water during his Apprentice TV show. Oh, that’s right, he already did that.

Gnarls Barkley’s performance of “Crazy” was about 40 clicks too slow and felt like a funeral dirge (maybe that was the point, apparently I’m not hip enough to get it) and I didn’t think it was possible but Christina Aguilera out-James Browned the late James Brown. Somewhere in the middle of her rendition of a Man’s World, she went right past James Brown and into Eddie Murphy’s R&B character in “Coming to America”, “Randy Watson” (’That boy’s good! Good and terrible.’). And somebody needs to tell her that the hairdo doesn’t really work. It’s some sort of Retro 20’s mullet. I know pretty people like to try and make themselves look normal (aka “ugly”) but give me a break.

Then there was the endless parade of ill-paired award presenters, uncomfortable dialogue, and horrible acceptance speeches. And should there be a “Best Country Album” if the CMA’s have their own freaking award show? Please someone explain that to me. Seriously, send me an e-mail, I don’t understand.

There were a few bright moments (Red Hot Chili Peppers never disappoint, neither did Chris Rock’s introduction) but all in all, it was a fitting evening of failure, a perfect ceremony depicting the sad state of music (arts in general) in this country.

You’re welcome.