JibJab’s ode to the news industry, or what we here at RedRenee.com call the moronification of America. Absolutely hilarious. Viewer discretion is advised.

How many times does this have to happen before old white guys realize they shouldn’t dance in public! Please Hammer, don’t hurt ‘em.

You’re welcome.

Those crazy college kids…

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17810681/

Enjoy!

You’re welcome.

We’re adding a new recurring post topic today devoted to all the contests I don’t win and all the joy it creates in my life. We’re starting today with the granddaddy of ‘em all- Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Go to www.pch.com/bigmoney7 to register for a chance to win $5,000 a week for life.

According to Publishers Clearing House, no purchase is necessary to win. Sure. I look forward to not winning this one. Good luck at not winning as well.

You’re welcome.

Had a rough weekend? Brackets in the can? This oughta help cheer you up on a Monday. A hilarious ode to caffeine addiction and coffee houses from one of Will Ferrel’s lesser-seen movies- “Kicking and Screaming”. Enjoy!

You’re welcome.

The tournament has just tipped off. Two of the most unproductive days on the calendar are underway for U.S. businesses. If you’re still searching for an excuse to call off the rest of the day or call in sick tomorrow, here’s a list which you might be able to use:
(courtesy of Recruiters Network.com http://www.recruitersnetwork.com/jokes/callinsick.htm)

Excuses for Missing a Day of Work

* If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

* When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e * log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

* I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

* The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

You’re welcome.

The greatest spectacle in all of sports kicks off in less than 15 hours. If you’re still on the fence about who the Final Four is going to be, here’s one last bit of help from the “experts” at ESPN.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/ncaatourney07/news/story?id=2798281

Good luck!

p.s. If you had Florida A&M winning it all, you may want to revise your brackets. Just a tip from your pal Red.

I’m starting a new recurring category on Red Renee- it’s dedicated to the dreaded “vote of confidence” that coaches get from their administration shortly before they’re surreptitiously fired. The latest to fall victim is none other than Kentucky head basketball coach Tubby Smith. Kentucky AD Mitch Barnhart said “Tubby’s our basketball coach” and I’m pretty sure the next part will be “until I fire him and hire back Rick Pitino”…. Good luck Tubby- thanks to your Athletic Director, you’re employment is officially on the clock.

http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/news/story?id=2795480

Odds of picking 100% of the NCAA tournament games correctly are roughly nine quintillion to one (depending on which supergeek you consult with). In fact, according to combinatorial mathematicians, if you laid $1 down on each possible variation for bracket completions, you’d be able to pay off the US national debt (approximately $8.8 trillion and counting) nearly 2.1 million times. That’s right, pay off the national debt almost 2.1 million times. Uhhhh…..we recommend that if you get to that point, you may want to get some help for your gambling problem. But thanks in advance for paying off the national debt; I had already kissed my social security goodbye.

Anyways, in an effort to be your March Madness headquarters, here are all the links you need (and some you don’t) to properly fill out your brackets this year:

PDF formatted brackets:
http://assets.espn.go.com/i/ncaa/07mens_bracket.pdf

Game by game profiles:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/basketball/ncaa/specials/ncaa_tourney/2007/03/11/matchups.midwest/index.html

One writer’s opinion
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/stewart_mandel/03/11/bracket.reaction/index.html

More analysis:
http://cbs.sportsline.com/collegebasketball/story/10055682

Bracketology 101:
http://cbs.sportsline.com/collegebasketball/mayhem/stepbystep

Pick the seeds:
http://www.spiritmag.com/clickthis/march.php

Even more analysis:
http://covers.usatoday.com/data/ncb/game/ncb_game.html

Danny Sheridan (lines not posted yet):
http://www.dannysheridan.com/

Further insight from the gambler angle:
http://sportsgambling.about.com/od/officepools/a/Bracket_Tips.htm

Shout out to all you statisticians:
http://www.webwire.com/ViewPressRel.asp?aId=28883

Another writer’s views:
http://msn.foxsports.com/cbk/story/6545668?MSNHPHCP&GT1=9232

Separating reason from your picks:
http://www.nwherald.com/articles/2007/03/12/sports/college/basketball/doc45f4dd943e0c5713829494.txt

The real “sweet science”- the science of brackets:
http://www.bracketscience.com/

You’re welcome.

Dateline: Wellington, New Zealand. According to an AP report, a New Zealand woman called the police sobbing that her pot plants had been stolen. Someone illegally entered her property and stole the three plants she was growing. And for the fourth time in as many years. I’m no home security expert, but I’m pretty sure she’d have fewer incidents of stolen pot if she wasn’t so high.

Not surprisingly, the police found themselves holding in their laughter as the “victim” recounted the story. She said, “I am a good person. I am sick of these low-lifes stealing my things”.

The woman was not charged with anything but was warned that her horticultural pursuits may get her into trouble in the future. My guess is she’ll probably try to take vigilante law into her own hands and set some sort of weed booby-trap to catch the perps. Hopefully, she’ll tell the police about that story also.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17551129/

Too good to be true. Too bad the capacity is only 10 cans…

A lot of deer and elk may be set free in North Dakota. It’s called “can hunting”. They’re basically places where hunters can hunt deer or elk on fenced farms- a form of a “captive audience”. Like paintball except the animals don’t have paintball guns or acne problems. A proposal to ban such private hunting reserves is being debated in the North Dakota Senate’s Natural Resources Committee. Supporters are lining up on both sides. And they’re all ridiculous.

http://www.bismarcktribune.com/articles/2007/02/02/news/state/128148.txt

On one side are the folks supporting the farms. Vance Tomlinson, a deer rancher, said the game farms particularly benefit the elderly and handicapped. Pause for a moment, close your eyes, and picture the elderly or somebody in a wheelchair with a high-powered rifle and an orange vest. Awesome.

On the other side are the folks against the farms. Like Shawn McKenna, Executive Director of the North Dakota Wildlife Federation. Mr. McKenna said “blasting a captive animal inside a cage and calling it hunting is morally wrong.” Morally wrong, is it? Where exactly is the moral line drawn? Is it because the animals are fenced in? Is it because the animals aren’t armed? Oh that’s right, no animals in the wild have the use of firearms. Hunt the deer or elk with your bare hands, then come back to me for the “morally wrong” conversation.

And then both sides had to get Teddy Roosevelt involved. Yeah, that Teddy Roosevelt.

Gary Masching, an opponent of the farms, said “I believe he (Teddy Roosevelt) would turn over in his grave if he knew what was going on.” Not to be outdone, Senator Connie Triplett said if lawmakers were to rule against hunters “I think Teddy Roosevelt would crawl out of his grave and come get us.” Thank you Senator. That image will keep me from sleeping for a week or two.

You’re welcome.

Here’s a little brainless fun for a Friday. Don’t be a squirrel.

You’re welcome.

The greatest return policy in the history of retailing is over. In a move to appease analysts and Wall Street, Costco has amended its long-standing return policy. You used to be able to return anything to Costco at any time, even without a receipt, and get a full refund for the product. Unfortunately, the scenario that too often played out was that a customer would purchase an HD TV for example, then return it nine months later when prices have fallen enough that the person could upgrade to a bigger, better TV for less money. No questions asked. The only exception was computers which had a six month window for returns. Electronics represented about 5% of Costco’s total sales and the abuse of the return policy was hurting the bottom line.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17350641/
http://www.costco.com/Service/FeaturePageLeftNav.aspx?ProductNo=11204333

The new policy will give customers 90 days to return televisions, computers, cameras, camcorders, portable music players, and cell phones. Costco will also extend the warranties on TV’s and PC’s for two years to help make the transition.

The former return policy was legendary among loyal Costco shoppers as well as deal hunters. Unfortunately, like many good things, the few have spoiled it for the many. And I just bought a TV at Costco three weeks ago (seriously, I did). So if and when that TV breaks in two years and two months, I’m coming after all the people that abused the policy and thus incited the change. Assuming 100,000 or so abused the policy over the last couple years, that’s approximately 18 cents a person that you’ll owe me. I’ll talk to you in a couple years.

You’re welcome.