Part five in a five or six part series features comedian Greg Giraldo. Greg is a veteran comic and writer headlining across the country and can be seen all over Comedy Central. If you’re at work, keep the sound low - viewer discretion is advised. Make sure you visit Greg’s website and check out his tour dates.

http://greggiraldo.com/

Viewer discretion is strongly advised

Special Guest Contributor Mark O. checks in with his contribution to the fortune cookie game. He’s been carrying this one around for awhile:

“Do not let what you do not have, prevent you from using what you do have.”

Lucky Numbers: 30, 5, 17, 8, 44, 21

You’re welcome.

Flying Pinto. That’s right, a flying Pinto. It’s hard to believe a.) the Russians didn’t beat us in this space race (flying “Volga” anyone?) and b.) that Ford didn’t market the idea of a flying Pinto to offset fears in the 70’s that the Pinto was highly combustible upon rear-end impact. If you lived through this beauty in 1973, here’s a bit of nostalgia for you:

http://www.fordpinto.com/mitzar1.htm

You’re welcome.

Sharing my fortune cookies with you, one motivating thought at a time.

“Some people never have anything except ideas. Go do it.”
(my) Lucky Numbers: 4, 33, 31, 48, 21, 6

You’re welcome.

I just can’t help myself with this one. I came across one of Mike Birbiglia’s funniest bits and felt compelled to share it with you all. So in part IIIa of a five or six part series…

At the 1:45 mark in this video, Stephen Colbert makes cable history (at least on the non-skin channels). At the same time, he created a dance that will be sweeping the clubs and wedding receptions in no time. Enjoy.

Part four, in a five or six part series is a tribute of sorts. Shortly before his first HBO special was to be recorded in 2005, Mitch Hedberg died of what was reported as a drug overdose. He was 37 years old at the time and definitely another tragic case of brilliance cut down in it’s prime. Mitch was a hybrid comedian with observational humor like Steven Wright and delivery somewhere between George Carlin and Jerry Seinfeld. At least his comedy survives.

http://www.mitchhedberg.net/

What happens when they open the cell phone bill???
A Flatlands couple was taken into custody last week after a broken cell phone charger allegedly caused each one to take up arms against the other. Police were called to a home on the corner of East 57th Street and Avenue I at 2:20 p.m. on April 5 where 32-year-old Robert Norris claimed that 24-year-old Crystal Henry had pulled a knife on him. Norris, however, upped the ante, by allegedly pulling a gun on Henry as the two argued over a broken cell phone charger. Officials ascertained that Norris had lent Henry the charger, but the item was allegedly broken when Henry returned it to him. Cops, who had intervened before anyone had been hurt, charged both Norris and Henry with criminal possession of a weapon and menacing.

So you wanna quit the gym?
A 35-year-old area resident found himself in a knock-down brawl with two unidentified males after he left a gym at the corner of 24th Avenue and 86th Street, officials said. The victim told police that he had just left the gym at 12:30 a.m. on April 8 when two unidentified males began arguing with him. At the height of their yelling match, one of the suspects began punching the victim in the face. The two men then knocked him to the ground and began kicking and punching him. They then grabbed his head and started smashing it against the curb, officials said. It was unclear what the argument that led to the attack was about as this paper went to press.

The Cheapskate Party Girls and Their Pimp
A 46-year-old man was arrested last week after he tried to help a livery cab fare-beating friend by attacking the cabbie with a baseball bat, cops from the 62nd Precinct alleged. John Sallustio was taken into custody a short time after the attack, which took place just after 4 a.m. on April 6. The cabdriver told police that he had just taken four young women to a home on the 1800 block of West 5th Street and had asked them to pay a $16 fare. His passengers handed him $12 and ran into one of the homes on the block, officials said. Enraged, the victim began honking his horn, demanding to be paid, when Sallustio allegedly came out of the same home the young women escaped to and began smashing apart the cabbie’s car with a baseball bat. The victim sustained injuries to his hand and knee during the onslaught, officials said. He immediately called police, who took Sallustio into custody without incident, charging him with assault.

Bay News- Brooklyn, NY

At Least That’s the Story He Told His Parents
A Northwestern student discovered a large dent on his vehicle parked outside Foster-Walker Complex on Wednesday, University Police Assistant Chief McAleer said. The student told police he had legally parked his Honda Civic in the residence hall’s Foster Street parking lot Tuesday. The student said there was a 24-inch dent and scratch on the front passenger door of his car when he returned the next day, according to McAleer. The damage was likely caused by another vehicle, he said, but there are no suspects in the hit and run.

Daily Northwestern - Evanston, IL

That Must Have Been One Hell of a Burglar
A PlayStation 2, video games, DVDs and three pit bulls were taken from a residence in the 500 block of 25th Avenue East between 6:30 a.m. and 3 p.m. Thursday. Police said entry into the residence was gained by kicking open the back door.

Tusacaloosa News - Tuscaloosa, AL

I’m not a big fan of saving the best for last, so today, in part III of a five or six part series, I’m posting my new favorite comedian- Mike Birbiglia. His laid back, intelligent humor is unbelievably funny. The videos that I found on the internets don’t do him justice so check out his website and buy his album or buy tickets to one of his shows. I’m definitely going to see him when he comes to town.

A special side note and shout out to my friend John in Chicago- Birbigs reminds me of you; He could be your long-lost brother. Go Sox.

http://www.birbigs.com/

Ignore the video on this one and just listen to the audio:

Mike Birbiglia

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I love commercials. I love the art of advertising and the ability of marketers to convey opinions and emotions for their products through ads. My favorite are the commercials that stink. It’s hard to make artful, concise, and successful commercials. It’s even harder to come up with concepts, gain approval, and create commercials that have no business seeing the light of day.

There are two sub-categories of bad commercials: the first is those that are just plain awful. Complete bags of crap. These are the commercials that make you (me) want to throw things at the television. The first and best example of this category of commercials are the “Head-on” ads. If you haven’t seen these ads, I’m going to spare you from the rage and object throwing you will experience. If you start to see a commercial where they begin by repeating “Head on” over and over, hit pause on the Tivo and quickly remove anything of value within a 10 foot radius around you including pets. You will then be able to finish watching the commercial.

Two other commercials that should have never been made are beautiful works of irony. The very symptoms that Alka Seltzer and Pepto Bismol treat are the very same responses my body has when watching their commercials. These two pieces of garbage don’t deserve to share the airwaves with any tv program, not even “Saved by the Bell” re-runs or “Big Brother XXXVIICM”. The advertising dollars spent on these two craptacular ads would have been better off getting donated to the IBS foundation.

Alka Seltzer ad:


Pepto Bismol ad:

The second category of bad commercials are those that are so bad, they’re good. These commercials are so magnificent in their badness, I can’t not watch. They make me giddy with wonderment. I wish I was a fly on the wall during the initial sketch sessions and then again when the ads were presented to and approved by the (drunk, allegedly, have to be) executives.

First up is my new favorite infomercial. It’s for a product called “Tater Mitts.” They’re basically rubber gloves with rough, sand paper-like grippies on the palm and fingers. You know it’s going to be good when the commercial starts out “Peeling potatoes can take forever!” From that point on, it’s 100% pure enjoyment. In addition to the fantastic commercial, the makers of “Tater Mitts” get extra points for product naming. Say “Tater Mitts” ten times fast and try to not giggle. It’s impossible.

They should have put a big warning at the end of the commercial though- “Tater Mitts are not to be used for anything other then peelin’ taters or peelin’ friends of taters (f.o.t). You must take Tater Mitts off before handling balloons, going to the bathroom, or delivering any secret fraternity handshake. Thank you. Tater Management.”

In order to watch the commercial, you have to go to their website and click on the video on the front page. It’s worth the surf, I promise. Enjoy!

http://www.tatermitts.com/

The next commercial that’s so bad, it’s good is for a new cell phone called the “Jitterbug.” I couldn’t find a copy of the commercial anywhere on the internets so you’ll just have to keep a look out for it. The phone is part of the growing “Baby Boomer Invasion” in advertising- products devoted to the hordes of baby boomers getting ready to retire. The concept of the phone is pretty simple and good-hearted- a simple, easy to use phone for Seniors. The commercial is so awesome in its use of the Jitterbug theme song and in its portrayal of the Seniors using the phone. In one scene, a 50ish year old daughter is standing next to her parents in their 70’s and they’re all three talking about how great the phone is. The gist of what the daughter says is “finally a phone that’s so easy to use, even my retarded, half-blind parents can use it!” It’s pure Norman Rockwell. Check out the website:

http://www.jitterbug.com/

Finally, my new favorite horrible commercial. It’s another product aimed squarely at baby boomers and their parents. It’s a product called “Hoveround” and it’s basically a tricked out wheelchair. The commercial is an absolute work of art- from the Beach Boys soundtrack “I Get Around” (verrrrry subtle), to the company representative Tom Kruse(owner of the company presumably) who has this bizarre look of hidden rage- his lips are uncomfortably pursed for some reason, to the gangs of seniors practicing covert military maneuvers in their Hoverounds. Whatever mall those Seniors are getting ready to invade, I’m staying the hell away.

On a side note and as a disclaimer- send a dollar to whomever the dude is that posted this video on youtube. The picture quality of the television is vintage late 70’s rabbit ears and there’s a strange periodic squeaking noise. Dude- upgrade to a 15″ black and white tele please.

http://www.hoveround.com/

You’re welcome.

Part II in a five or six part series devoted to my favorite comedians, sort of. Part two is dedicated to Kathleen Madigan- a hilarious comic whose straight-forward, common sense delivery is right on the money. Check out her web site to look up tour dates or buy one of her cd’s: http://www.kathleenmadigan.com/. Enjoy!

On Family:

On Happiness:

On Larry King & Dr. Laura: