n. A sealed container preserving articles and records of contemporary culture for perusal by scientists and scholars of the distant future.

For the good of mankind, let’s leave the details of this week out of the time capsule, ok? First there was the wall-to-wall coverage of the release from jail of America’s most popular skank: Paris Hilton (we prefer to refer to it as a long-term furlough rather than a release). Then, the following news headlines from “legitimate” news sources:

Headline # 1: “Apple Customers Queue up for iPhone”. Good to see the Apple lemmings get out of the house every once in awhile. The iPhone and the AppleTV will no doubt be successful, but Steve Jobs is missing some pretty blatant opportunities to take advantage of silly Mac-addicts. How about the “Apple-ccino”- the ultra-hip mp3/alarm clock/cappuccino/espresso-maker/video editor? Or the “i-Watch”- a wrist watch that doubles as a GPS navigator so Mac-addicts don’t get lost on their way to Starbucks. Or maybe the “i-Liberal”- a Mac-inspired manifesto comparing and contrasting the compelling slate of political candidates?

Those are all off the top of my head. There’s of course the easy ones like “i-TP”- toilet paper for the Mac enthusiast. Or, taking a page out of Donald Trump’s marketing book- “Apple-2.O”- the official Apple Macintosh bottled water. The possibilities are endless, as is my headache from this.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/ptech/06/29/iphone.ap/index.html

Headline # 2: “Joey Fatone to Host Sing-Along Variety Game”. Time must travel slower in the year 2007 because 15 minutes of fame tends to turn into an undetermined yet excruciatingly long period of time thanks to the endless supply of reality TV crap. Reality killed the TV star.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19463138/

Finally, Headline # 3: “Spice Girls Announce 11-Show Reunion Tour”. Rather than wax nostalgically about my own personal thoughts about the Spice Girls, I’ll let their quotes from the article tell the tale. Geri “Ginger Spice” Halliwell on their songs: “I like to think our songs are universal and they are timeless.” Timeless for sure- like the way the smell from a waste dump lingers in the air. Then Victoria “Posh Spice” Beckham said “Our priority is going to be our families. We want to have fun.” Do you Posh? Do you “really, really want” to have fun. Maybe you want to “zigazig ha”. Whatever.

Posh continued, “That’s one of the many reasons for this, for our children to see what we used to do.” See what you used to do? What, like steal money from senseless cd-buying and concert-attending Americans? When all of you are done buying your iPhones and are thinking about pulling the trigger on some front row Spice Girls action, make sure you consider this is really just a “take your kid to work day” for them. You might want to wait for the Menudo reunion, I hear it’s in the works too.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19480714/

You’re welcome.

Hoppin’ on a plane this summer? Gonna’ stick it to the oil companies by flying to work instead of driving? Don’t leave for the airport without hitting these two websites first.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve managed to pick the wrong seat on an airplane. It’s a gift. Like picking the slowest check-out lane at the grocery store. Or picking the wrong Blackjack table to sit down to. That’s all a thing of the past with this fantastic website: it’s called Seat Guru. (nearly) Every plane on every airline is listed showing seat configurations for the planes and which seats to avoid when booking. It’s an absolutely fantastic website.

http://www.seatguru.com/

I also manage to always sit behind “nappers” on planes. You know the people- no matter how long the flight is, they’ve absolutely got to get some sleep. And they must do it by fully reclining their seat and jamming my snacks and laptop into my ribcage in the process. Well, that’s a thing of the past too. Enter the “Knee Defender”. This little beauty hooks on to the seat in front of you and prevents that person from reclining their seat even a little. I’ve found that spilling a cold drink on the person works well too but the knee defender may be a more socially acceptable way to prevent sleepy recliners. Check it out.

http://www.kneedefender.com/

You’re welcome.

Think you’ve figured out how Sopranos ended? Yeah, me too. I don’t have time to make a video to pay homage to it, but apparently plenty of other people do. Forget about the Clinton version circulating- aside from bad acting, it strays from the original in far too many ways to count. Of course, it’s an adaptation and not a recreation. Whatever.

Here’s a recreation courtesy of the Pittsburgh Pirates. This version is extremely well done, especially given that none of the characters talk. They get extra points for the Brian Austin Green cameo (or a reasonable facsimile in the Member’s Only jacket), points for authentic use of onion rings, and extra points for the Pittsburgh mascot inside joke. Hope you enjoy.

Part six in a five or six part series features comedian Mitch Fatel. Two Mitches actually. Pair ‘o Mitch.

First up- Mitch Hedberg. Hedberg has already been featured in a previous “Viewer Discretion” post, but I found another video and had to put it up.

Second up- the slow talking but highly talented Mitch Fatel. According to his website, he was voted “Best Stand-up Comedian” at the Aspen Comedy Festival. He’s a cross between Bill Cosby and Pauly Shore. Ok, maybe the Bill Cosby thing is a stretch. I’ll let you decide for yourself. Make sure you visit his website and his myspace page also.

More Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg - Observations

Posted Sep 12, 2006

Mitch shares observations about rental cars, neighbors, and escalators.

Mitch Fatel

Mitch Fatel’s

Add to My Profile | More Videos

http://www.mitchfatel.com/

http://www.myspace.com/mitchfatel

Special Guest Contributor Mark O. checks in with his tribute to Father’s Day, the golfing obsession, and Angelina Jolie. And yes, “Deadliest Catch” is an awesome show.

With this weekend being the annual Father’s Day / U.S. Open extravaganza I can’t help but think about my own golfing adventures. I love to play golf. I love to watch golf. I’ll skip sex to go play golf. I prefer to watch the final round of any of the four major golf tournaments to watching the Super Bowl. I’d even miss American Idol to play golf but luckily it’s too dark to play when Idol is on. With that said, I’m no good. My friends say I swing like Lee Trevino except without the positive results. My handicap is barely measurable…somewhere around 30. But I love it. I read all the magazines, watch the Golf Channel, and spend hours browsing at Golfsmith and Golf Galaxy. I know what the hottest new driver is and what’s in Padraig Harrington’s bag (Wilson Staff Pd5 driver, Callaway Big Bertha 3W and Steelhead 5W, Wilson Staff Pi5 irons and a Wilson Staff Kc4 putter. ProV1x’s). I actually care that Elin Woods is having a baby and hope it’s a boy so he can grow up to be as rich as his father and then marry my daughter.

Here’s my point. I know that I’ll probably never break 80. With a lot more time and effort I hope to get to the 90’s consistently. But that’s it, I have no illusions. I don’t have the time or money to expect anything more than that. So, while I know what the hottest new driver is, I don’t own one. While I know that you can play famous courses like Pebble Beach and Spyglass and Bethpage because they’re open to the public, I don’t. I play with average equipment at municipal courses and still, I have fun. Would I like a new set TaylorMade R7 Draw irons and a Callaway FT-i driver? Sure. But it would be a waste of money. Would I like to play Augusta National or Pinehurst? Of course, but would I really enjoy it the way I should? Nope, because I’d be thinking to myself, “Hey dumbass, you can hit a ball into the trees/lake/trap/parking lot at the local muni for about 1/100th of what you’re paying to play here!” For me it’s like that Kevin Costner baseball movie For the Love of the Game. That’s why I play. That’s why I’ll always play.

So now, I’m talking with my golfing buddy who by the way, is good enough to play Pebble, and he tells me that he was talking to this other guy we know about playing golf with us. As I said, we usually play three or four times a month at our local municipal courses. If we get the opportunity to play in outings or charity events through work, great. Those are about the only times we play at the better courses in the area…when someone else is paying for it! Anyhow, we thought we would ask this guy to play with us sometime. His kids go to school with ours and our wives are all part of the same group of friends. Seemed like a good idea. So last week my buddy tells him we have a tee time on the weekend and did he want to join us? You know what he said? He said that since he doesn’t have the time to play very often he only likes to play nice courses. He doesn’t want to waste his time playing average courses. What a load of crap. That’s like saying I don’t get to watch much baseball on TV so I only watch the World Series. Or I don’t get to go out to dinner very often so I’ll only go to Ruth’s Chris. Or I don’t get to have sex very often so I only want to do Angelina Jolie. Ok, maybe that one’s a good rule. But in most cases if you have something in your life that you like to do isn’t it more about the doing than where you do it? If you like to play tennis do you sit at home waiting for your chance to play at Wimbledon or do you go to the high school and play there? If you like to fish do you go down to the local pond and throw your line in or do you wait for an invite to work on one of those crab boats on The Deadliest Catch? (Side note…isn’t that an awesome show?).
Maybe when I win the lottery my attitude will change. For now though I’m taking my average clubs to the average course and having a great time. And maybe tonight I’ll ask my wife if I can call her Angelina…hmmm.

Two actually. The first comes from the fine folks at Zatarain’s. They make rice and Jambalaya-in-a-box and other Cajun or pseudo-Cajun side dishes. Anyways, the people at Zatarain’s are giving away an “Ultimate Patio Makeover” (approximate retail value of $2,500). I don’t where you live, but where I live (North America), $2,500 doesn’t “ultimately” makeover my patio. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take the 2 1/2 large but let’s be careful about truth in advertising. No matter. I’m not winning.

https://www.funandfoods.com/zats07/enter.asp

Another contest I love to hate not winning is American Express’ “My Wishlist”. What a productivity-killer this thing is. Spread across eleven days, the fine people at American Express offer electronics, vacations, etc. for purchase at extremely low prices. The trick is that there are a limited number of each item and the sales only happen at certain times of the day. You get onto their website and click the item at the appropriate time, then one of those tricky wiggly security words pop up (to see if you’re sober). After you enter the security word, a dramatic graphic displays while it “checks your entry” Finally, you get the “please try again” page. After about forty times of the “please try again” screen, the number one thing on “my wishlist” is for this contest to go away. Unless I win this time. Which I won’t. Good luck to you though.

http://mywishlist.amexnetwork.com/index.html?cid=wlspr07-int-enews-costco#hp/44

The final episode of “The Sopranos” airs this Sunday on HBO and theories abound about what will happen to the central characters that have made it this far. Will Tony wake up as his alter ego Kevin Finnerty and realize it was all a bad dream? Will Paulie Walnuts defect to Phil Leotardo’s crew and take out Tony in the process? Will the final scene close in a blazing gun battle between Tony and Phil? Or will the series close serenely at Holstens’ Brookdale Confectionary in Bloomfield, New Jersey as many online sites have reported?

Never mind all that. If you’re a blue-blooded American, you’ll lay down some side Sopranos action on one of the many prop bets available. Here’s a sampling as of Thursday night:

Will Tony Soprano survive the final episode? Yes is a 3.5 to 2 favorite.

Will Phil Leotardo survive the final episode? No is a 3 to 2 favorite.

Will Paulie Walnuts survive the final episode? Yes is a slight favorite.

Better yet, who will be named Rosie O’Donnel’s permanent replacement on “The View”? You’ll be happy to know that Roseanne Barr is the current frontrunner getting 7-2 odds. I’m guessing Roseanne’s the frontrunner because the studio can reuse the embroidered “Rosie” Directors chair and the feeding trough with “Rosie” engraved on it. Kathie Griffin’s not far behind at 4-1 odds. And bringing up the rear is “any male candidate” getting 20-1 odds. I guess no dudes are showing up any time soon to share their view.

One more Sopranos note, maybe it’s the series coming to a close or a softening New Jersey real estate market, but the actual house used as Tony Sopranos’ in the tv show has dropped in value $7,000 over the last 30 days.

http://www.zillow.com/HomeDetails.htm?zprop=38716281

You’re welcome.

Here’s what’s on my Tivo for the summer- all the shows set up for season pass and in no particular order:

Entourage (HBO)
Sopranos (HBO)
Meerkat Manor (Animal Planet)
Colbert Report (Comedy Central)
Iron Chef America (Food)
Dream House (HGTV)
Planet Earth (Discovery)
Deadliest Catch (Discovery)
Notes from the Underbelly (ABC)
Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (Food)
America’s Test Kitchen (PBS)
The Next Food Network Star (Food)
Top Chef (Bravo)
Curb Your Enthusiasm (HBO)

Two shout outs for the summer season. First- to NBC for cancelling “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip”. Another quality show bites the dust courtesy of what will no doubt be another crappy reality replacement show. Eat it NBC.

Shout out number two to Bravo for another season of “Top Chef.” Season number one suffered under hostess/femme-bot Katie Lee Joel (Billie Joel’s wife), but showed promise. Season two was improved with Padma Lakshmi replacing Joel as hostess, but was too dramatic at times. Constant during both seasons has been some excellent cooking, some cameos from a few of the country’s best chefs, and the ever-present presence of uber-judge Tom Colicchio. Tom’s charisma and expertise carry the show. Give it a watch.

Now tell me what’s on your Tivo.

Back in December of 2006 I reviewed my previous cell phone, the Sony Ericsson Z520A. For your entertainment and for a stroll down memory lane, I linked the review below.

http://redrenee.com/?p=50

I’m happy to report that the Ericsson phone has gone peacefully to the “big cell tower in the sky” and there’s a new cell phone in my life. In a move to up my street cred a few clicks (with the white male, age 35-59 demo), I picked up a Blackberry Pearl. A full review will follow on the Pearl in an upcoming “Personal Shopper” segment, but I’m happy to report at least for the moment, nothing about this phone pisses me off. The battery life is a little short but it does an awful lot so that’s hard to complain about. I also still can’t figure out how to set up voicemail but that’s more of a “me” problem than a phone problem. Stay tuned for more.

You’re welcome.