Colbert reviewing some summer movies the way only he can. Enjoy:

About a week ago, I came across our oldest child eating her favorite cereal, Kellogg’s Raisin Bran. She proudly announced that she had added Craisins into the bowl and it was delicious. My ADD/OCD mind never stopping, I thought it might be beneficial for all of the people of America to be able to enjoy this tasty treat. I don’t care for Craisins myself, but I thought that a Raisin Bran with Craisins might finally broker peace between the raisin people and the Craisin people.

I quickly checked Wikipedia (if it exists, it’s got to be in Wiki) to see if such a product had ever been released by Kellogg’s. No evidence there. We also checked Kellogg’s website for evidence of such a product existing. Nothing. We pressed on.

I saw an opportunity to teach our child a lesson about capitalism and the wheels of commerce. The invisible hand of the marketplace. A dynamic, real-world lesson about our wonderful free-market economy. We got a lesson alright.

We quickly dialed up Kelloggs.com and made our way to the comments section to submit our idea. Our submission was filled with cleverness like titling the product “Raisin Craisin Bran”. And after the successful launch of “Raisin Craisin Bran”, producing a Craisin only derivative called “Craisin Bran” (alright, maybe not that clever but we were pleased with ourselves).

We hit send while visions of Nobel Prize acceptance speeches danced in our heads.

And then the wait. At first, we would check the Blackberry almost every hour, hoping to get an e-mail back from the CEO that read “…I’m boarding my private plane right now to come congratulate you in person. Your idea is going to revolutionize both the cereal and the dried, wrinkly fruit industries. ” No response though.

Days passed and still not a word. Then finally, at 11:17pm this past Wednesday, the e-mail we had been waiting for finally arrived. Sort of. (Italicized below for special effect).

Red Renee,

Kellogg North America
PO Box CAMB
Battle Creek, MI 49016-1986

Try explaining that to a child.

My explanation went a lil’ something like this: “You see dear, we live in a litigious society. Lawyers have made it so that you can’t even help little old ladies across the street anymore without getting slapped with an injunction. Kelloggs is afraid that if they do actually come out with a Raisin Bran product that includes Craisins, simply by their acknowledgement of our suggestion, an ordinary lawless citizen would file suit with Kelloggs requesting millions of dollars in compensation. Therefore, their only recourse is to provide us with a response that says ‘we acknowledge receipt of your letter but we cannot admit mental consumption of the fabulous idea.’ The truth is, they’re probably already working on this idea but cannot afford to share the profits with us because low cost generic cereals have slashed the margins in the cereal industry.”

Her response predictably was: “Huh?”

I continued… “It’s like the Seinfeld episodes when first Kramer meets with the Calvin Klein executives to pitch his idea about the fragrance that smells like the beach’. Kramer is shunned initially, but still content with the knowledge that his idea is a winner. He later finds out that Calvin Klein actually produced and marketed that very fragrance and even called it “The Beach”. Dismayed, he confronts Calvin Klein who convinces him to be an underwear model in their advertisements. Kelloggs is simply trying to avoid a confrontation like that. They don’t want me to be their underwear model.”

Second response: “What?”

“It’s like this- Kellogg’s is an evil empire and we’re never buying their cereal again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“O.k., that’s a bluff. All that matters is that we think it’s a great idea. If and when they come out with the Craisin Raisin Bran, we can tell all our friends that it was our idea. And they’ll believe us because I’ll expose the gruff corporate underbelly of Kelloggs on my website.”

Rick Duran III or A.D. David Mackay (CEO), save us and others the trouble next time, just post on your website that you cannot accept fantastic product ideas from consumers because you’re afraid of lawyers. And Craisins.

http://www2.kelloggs.com/ContactUs.aspx

You’re welcome.

You’re a publicist, fresh out of school (whatever school publicists go to), and you are required to represent one of the following four individuals: Michael Vick, Brittany Spears, Lindsay Lohan, or Danny Bonaduce. Who will you represent and why?

My answer is “go to law school”.

You have one day to complete this assignment. Good luck.

August is right around the corner. There’s a slight crispness in the air at night. Football is coming. And I can’t wait. To help get you ready, I’m posting my favorite NFL.com fantasy football commercial. There are a string of commercials after it but the first one is absolutely classic. “Houshamazilly. Got it. Championship.” Classic.

Enjoy:

The Teen Choice Awards airs on Fox on Sunday, August 26th. Ordinarily, this and any other of the roughly 22,000 awards shows on television don’t warrant even a passing glance. Unfortunately, I have to take exception with this year’s Teen Choice. I’ve never seen the Teen Choice Awards, but I’d imagine the target audience bends more toward the early teens rather than the late teens- late teens having much more to worry about that Ashton Kutcher and Justin Timberlake.

Nominated this year in the category titled “Choice Music: Payback Track” is Pink and her latest single “U + Ur Hand”. Seems like a harmless enough tune- nice little rock beat and a catchy hook- but let’s take a closer look and find out what America’s teens are nominating. Here are some highlights, not quite in iambic pentameter, from the actual lyrics from 2007’s best impersonation of Pat Benatar:

Going out
On the late night
Looking tight
Feeling nice

You know who you are
High fivin, talking s**t, but you’re going home alone arentcha?

Quite a role model Ms. Pink is. Do your kids a favor- take them out for ice cream when this piece of crap awards show airs on the 26th of August. And whenever this song comes on the radio, change the station.

You’re welcome.

I’ve got a new favorite commercial. It’s a Mt. Dew ad featuring the one and only Mr. Chuck Norris and it’s spectacular. Before I get to the commercial itself, first the background. The commercial is not new; it aired originally during the Super Bowl, but its execution is timeless. The gist of the plot is an homage to the internets fascination with his Chuckness and his retribution on geeky punks making money off of his righteousness. The primary internet focus would appear to be the “Chuck Norris Facts” which became internet legend as a part of www.somethingawful.com. The facts became so prolific, they were spun off into a separate website- www.chucknorrisfacts.com.

Here’s an excerpt of some of my favorite Chuck Norris facts:

*There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris

*Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes. Ever.

*Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

*When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

*When an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger” was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

*Little-known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the caesarian section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.

*The show “Survivor” had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and nobody is brave enough to go to the island and retrieve the footage.

*Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad Chuck Norris has never cried. Ever.

Enjoy the commercial:

You’re welcome.

Have you ever felt like fast food restaurants and other retailers just don’t care about the condition of their public restrooms? Tired of loose toilet seats, no hand soap, and wet toilet paper on the floor that looks like paper mache gone very, very bad?

Fortunately, there’s a company trying to raise the standard of America’s public Port-o-lets. Enter Cintas and their “America’s Best Restroom” contest. The sixth annual installment, the contest attempts to honor companies and organizations that go above and beyond to present the best restroom experience.

From mosaic tile to marble, flowers to curtains, the five finalists in this year’s contest are truly memorable. The winning john is determined by an internet vote, which ends on July 31st, so you’ve got less than two weeks to get your vote in.

http://www.bestrestrooms.com/

You’re welcome.

Two more contests I’m sure to not win. First is Food Network’s “A Taste of Top Chef” sweepstakes. The winner (not me) gets a VIP dinner at Arabelle in New York City plus round-trip airfare for two and two nights hotel accommodations at Hotel Plaza Athenee.

http://www.bravotv.com/Top_Chef/nyc_sweepstakes/index.shtml

The second contest is also sponsored by the Food Network; it’s called the “Foodie Flyaway Sweepstakes”. The winner (again, not me) gets to attend the 2008 Food & Wine Magazine Classic in Aspen, Colorado plus round-trip airfare and three nights hotel accommodations for two.

http://www.bravotv.com/Top_Chef/foodie_sweepstakes/index.php

Good luck. If you win, you’re taking me.

You’re welcome.

This video has made its way across the internets and has been shown on Sportscenter a few dozen times. If you’ve seen it already, enjoy it again. If you haven’t seen it, you better sit down.

I’ll give you the narrative first because believe me, even knowing what’s coming, you still won’t believe what you’re watching. The behavior on the video is so off-the-wall, you’d think it was some sort of marketing gimmick. Like “Watch a Lunatic Tuesday”. The principal character in the show is Mississippi Braves skipper Phillip Wellman. The Mississippi Braves are the AA affiliate for the MLB Atlanta Braves. Phillip Wellman is a wee bit unhappy with the calls he’s getting from the umpire behind the plate. So….

First he covers home plate with dirt, skillfully I might add, then proceeds to trace a new, significantly larger home plate in said dirt. Probably a good place to stop there, but alas our impassioned lead character continues. Next, he uproots a base and throws them across the field. And then, and this is the best part, he crawls toward the pitcher’s mound from second base as if were a soldier in infantry training and hurls the rosin bag at the umpire as if it were a grenade (still not making any of this up). Finally, he signaled to the third base umpire that he tossing the umpire out of the game, takes another base, and kisses goodbye to the crowd while taking a bow.

He got a three-game suspension for his actions and a spot in the irrational behavior hall of fame. Enjoy.

A couple of news stories that caught my eye for your use around the water cooler. And with a decidedly Asian flare…

Come on Eileen Dateline: North Korea
From CNN.com, North Korea is banning karaoke bars in an attempt to “stem foreign influences on the isolated communist country.” The report also stated that “North Korea’s state-run media frequently warn that imperialists are trying to poison the country’s culture and ideals through a U.S. offensive to topple the communist regime.” Memo to North Korea: it’s alcohol, bad music, and off-key word slurring. If that’s all it takes to topple the communist regime, you’re in serious trouble. We’ve been saving Ashlee Simpson for this very mission.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/07/11/nkorea.karaoke.ap/index.html

And we thought Texas was tough on crime Dateline: Beijing
There have been many news reports about trouble with products made in China recently- particularly toothpaste found to contain diethylene glycol and pet food tainted with the chemical melamine that caused the death of dogs and cats.

It turns out the head of China’s State Food and Drug Administration, Zheng Xiaoyu, was taking some bribes in order to approve untested medicine. Zheng was convicted of taking approximately $800,000 in cash and gifts. And Tuesday morning, he was executed. That’s right, executed.

Forget about the dozens of years of appeals death-row inmates in the U.S. get, Zheng was sentenced on May 29th, his appeal for leniency at a hearing on June 12th was denied, and he was executed on July 10th. Talk about efficiency. Never mind that if Zheng pulled this off in the U.S., he’d probably spend a couple years in a white collar prison, pay some fines, and spend twenty years getting twenty large a month on the consultant circuit.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/07/10/china.execution.ap/index.html

Ridonc Dateline: Springfield, MA
Wanna’ impress your co-workers with some fancy new words? Yeah, me neither. In case you change your mind, Merriam Webster has released their latest additions to the collegiate dictionary. Among the notable- ginormous, nocebo, and crunk. We’ll buy the edition when ridonc makes it.

http://www.merriam-webster.com/info/newwords07.htm

You’re welcome.

In all the media blitz surrounding the introduction of Apple’s iPhone, there was a dirty little secret omitted from all of the press.

Rechargeable batteries don’t last forever; no surprise there. No big deal when the iPhone battery craps out and you’ve got to replace it, right? Wrong. The infuriatingly proprietary nature of Apple products means you’ve got to send the phone to Apple for them to replacement the battery for you.

You see, Apple’s contempt for consumers goes beyond their pseudo-hip television commercials. They don’t trust you enough to allow you to replace your own battery. So they factory seal it and force you to send it to them, otherwise you violate the sanctity of the promise (aka the “warranty”). You also have to pay the $79 battery replacement fee plus $6.95 postage and handling. And it takes three days for the replacement. Ready to stand in line over night for a phone now?

What’s an iPhone user to do during those three days without a phone? Without all the downloaded “Dixie Chicks” tunes? Without all the bookmarked pages from the New York Times website? Without the phone number for your “girlfriend” in Canada (we know she’s real!)? Apple says make sure you sync up your data before you send the phone in. If you need a spare phone for the three days, you can rent one for $29.

Funnier still is the $175 early termination fee if you decide to break your iPhone/AT&T addiction before your two year commitment is up. Cell phone providers have long put early termination fees in place to partially subsidize discounting hardware on the front end but iPhone buyers are paying full price (either $499 or $599 depending on which model you purchase). Or maybe six hundy is the discounted price. Maybe the SRP is a cool G? Ten G’s? This ridiculousity has gotten the Foundation for Taxpayer and Consumer Rights involved by way of a pen pal letter to Steve Jobs.

http://www.consumerwatchdog.org/resources/iPhoneLtr6-29-07.pdf

Suckers.

http://redtape.msnbc.com/2007/07/why-was-iphones.html

http://www.infoworld.com/article/07/07/03/iphone-battery-replacement_1.html

Red hopes you have a good laugh and a dance this holiday weekend. Keep it chill. This post has been dedicated to my Aunt Sue.

You’re simply the best.