Dateline: Hilliard, Ohio

The Setup: High school cross-town rivals, Hilliard Davidson and Hilliard Darby

The Perp: Hilliard Davidson Senior Kyle Garchar

The Job: Pass out signs to the Hilliard Darby fans convincing them that when the signs are held high, the message will read “Go Darby”. What it really reads is “We Suck”.

The Stakes: Wait for it……………….Legendary

The Punishment: Three days of in-school suspension and a one semester ban from participating in any school activities.

Worth it? You be the judge

You’re welcome.

Quarterback Jamarcus Russell is in day 123 of his holdout with Al Davis and the Oakland Raiders. Training camp is officially over, and Russell has missed it all. Every snap, every play call, every minute of rookie hazing, every minute of being freaked out by Burt Reynolds’ alter-ego….errr Al Davis.

Red Renee understands the importance of getting paid. I’m all for first rounders getting big dollars, after all, those Bentleys and tricked out Yukons aren’t going to buy themselves. But let’s keep it in perspective- Jamarcus hasn’t played a single down in the NFL yet. And first round quarterbacks succeeding in the NFL isn’t exactly a perfect science. And still Russell and his advisors think it prudent for him to miss all of training camp. The Raiders need all the help they can get- and their number one pick not at camp is not helping.

Jamarcus Russell, you sir are a greedy bastard.

Time once again to check in on how Vegas sees the 2008 Presidential elections. With all due respect to the major news outlets (not much due) and the polling entities around the hizzy, the smart money goes with the odds makers. Here are the latest lines according to Sportsbook.com:

The current favorite to win the 2008 nomination is Hillary Clinton at 2-1 odds. Just behind Hillary is Rudy Giuliani at 3-1 odds. Behind Rudy, in order are Barack Obama (7-2), Fred Thompson (4-1), John McCain (5-1), Al Gore (6-1), John Edwards (6-1), Mitt Romney (8-1), and Ron Paul (8-1).

Some long shot candidates include Michael Bloomberg (15-1), Newt Gingrich (20-1), Wesley Clark (20-1), Sam Brownback (25-1), Condoleeza Rice (30-1), and George Pataki (50-1).

If 50-1 odds don’t get your adrenaline pumping fast enough, perhaps you’d like to lay some wood to some true long shots. Howard Dean is running at 100-1. So is Ralph Nader. Dennis Kucinich is rocking 200-1 odds. The Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger is staring up at 250-1; Laura Bush at 500-1; Papa Bear Bill O’Reilly at 750-1; Jesse “the Body” Ventura at 1000-1; Donald Trump at 1000-1; and finally, Bill Maher at 2500-1.

You can also bet on one party to win the election. Democrats are currently getting 5-8 odds; Republicans are at 7-5. Good luck with that.

We recommend you hold on to your money and pay your bills. Buy some groceries. Save for your future. Which no doubt one of the aforementioned candidates will make more challenging.

You’re welcome.

The non-conference schedule is college football’s equivalent to the NFL preseason- starters play a few quarters, fans get their drunk on, and the home team gets bank. The beginning of the college football season means it’s time once again to expose some of the alleged top ten teams as the scheduling frauds they are.

First, the good stories: #1 USC gets points for a.) not scheduling a D I-AA team, and b.) having a quality non-conference opponent (at Nebraska). They also get points for keeping the Notre Dame beatdown on the schedule. They get future point consideration for a home-and-home with Ohio State starting next year.

Second (and last) feel-good schedule is #9 Virginia Tech- they lose points for playing William & Mary but at least that’s an in-state school. They get big credit for playing at #2 LSU. The other two non-conference games they have are against East Carolina and Ohio University. End result is a push.

West Virginia’s non-conference schedule is a push also. No I-AA opponents but nothing exceptional either; a remarkable potpourri of mediocrity- two MAC teams, a road game at Maryland, a home game with East Carolina, and another home game with Mississippi State. If you just opened up another Firefox window to order tickets to any of those games, you’re way more of a college football fan than I am.

Now to the frauds- first is the defending National Champion, #3 Florida. Added to two I-AA opponents (Troy and Florida Atlantic) is independent Western Kentucky who went 6-5 last year. Nice job Gators. I guess the Devry Tech squad wasn’t available. At least one of the opponents is in-state, but Florida should get a large BCS deduction for this horrific schedule.

The second fraud is # 10/11 Louisville- first, as a member of the Big East, Louisville has to schedule five non-conference games. I’m sorry, but if you’ve got to scrape together five non-league opponents, you’re part of a loose collection of teams, not a BCS conference. Worse is that Louisville scheduled two of those five non-conference games against I-AA teams (Murray State and Middle Tennessee State). At least they had the balls to schedule Utah and an away game at NC State as two of the other teams. Those are tiny little balls though.

Every other team in the pre-season top ten has a I-AA opponent on their schedule- LSU (Middle Tennessee State + a 3-10 Louisiana Tech team (practically I-AA)), Texas (Arkansas State), Michigan (Appalachian State), Wisconsin (Citadel), Oklahoma (North Texas), and Ohio State (Youngstown State). At least Ohio State can cower under the banner of playing an “in-state” opponent, though I don’t think even in Columbus that fans buy that.

So when Louisville drops 77 points on the Murray State Racers, let’s keep it all in perspective and call a spade a spade (I’m talking to you, Mark May). Non-conference games mean very little, both in significance and excitement. But it does mean college football is here, and I can’t wait.

You’re welcome.

Yet another example of real politics in action. To see the video, you’ve got to follow this link.

My favorite parts are as follows: 1.) Some woman, presumably from or near the speaker’s chair intermittently throws what first looks like rice (not a wedding though), then some beverage, and then whatever she can get her hands on. 2.) the :26 second mark where the dude in the pink shirt and grey blazer morphs into Chuck Norris and threatens a couple roundhouses, 3.) the :31 second mark where an embarrassing slap fight breaks out.

Here’s one more video of the same thing- different video camera. This one has more Auburn-Hills like action. The dude around the :37 second mark swinging some kind of foot stool plus either the table or chair getting the Chris Farley treatment make this one worth watching. Too bad we can’t get this kind of action in the US House; think of the ratings C-Span would get.

Yesterday the Texas Rangers settled in at Baltimore for a doubleheader with the Orioles. The Orioles went up 3-0 through the third. And then the steroids must have kicked in. Texas erupted with five runs in the fourth inning and went on to win 30 to 3. That’s what I said- 30 (three zero) to 3 (three, one less than four). Amazingly, the Rangers’ runs all came in four innings- five in the fourth, nine in the sixth, ten in the eighth, and six in the ninth.

The Orioles used four pitchers and each one of them got shelled. Daniel Cabrera made it through the first five innings, but after the five run fourth, was pulled for Brian Burres. Burres last two outs while giving up eight runs, and was pulled for Rob Bell. Bell put in a little more than an inning of work while giving up seven runs. Finally, Paul Shuey (who might as well have been drunk at that point, probably wouldn’t have mattered) pitched the final two innings, giving up nine runs on seven hits.

The Rangers used two pitchers, with Kason Gabbard getting the …….ahem…. “win”. Kason pitched six innings giving up all three runs on seven hits. And who was lucky enough to come in for the “save”? Right-hander Wes Littleton. When Wes entered the game, the game was still somewhat in question at 14-3. After the ten run eighth, Wes probably should have started pitching underhand.

To add insult to injury, the Rangers went ahead and beat down the O’s in the second game as well, this time by a respectable score of 9-7.

Here are some of the ridonc stats from the game:

*29 hits for the Rangers; that averages out to 3.2 hits per inning
*30 runs sets a modern day record (White Sox scored 29 runs in 1955)
*6 home runs hit including two players hitting two each, and two grand slams
*Amazingly, the Rangers left 19 men on base
*Texas had a total of 57 at-bats
*Last year in the NFL, two team failed to get to 30 points in any game during the season (Raiders and Texans). Five others only reached 30 points once and two of them needed overtime to do it. And home runs are worth six points in football.

ESPN Video link

Uhhhhhhh……We recommend you don’t try this at home.

Hurricane Dean Disrupts Travel Plans in Bay Area

Huge Hurricane Roils Yucatan

Marylanders Affected by Hurricane Dean

Hurricane Dean Knocks More than a Dozen Ships Off Course

Dean Blows Chaos into Travel Plans

Vacationers Flee Cayman Islands as Dean Approaches

Caymans Brace as Hurricane Dean Nears

Hurricanes happen. Often. Especially between August and October. It sucks when people lose their homes or cars or belongings, it really does.

Please oh please national and local news, stop running stories on vacationers getting displaced by hurricanes. If you’re stupid enough to vacation at a place and at a time when a giant wave might come ashore and sweep you onto the mainland, then you should spend 14 hours at the airport waiting for a return flight. Sorry- I just don’t care about your story. Call me heartless. I probably am. Just because it’s happening, doesn’t make it news.

Is it too much to ask for news outlets to exercise some freaking judgment and restraint and stop vomiting whatever happens to flash across the AP wire?! I guess so.

No Mas. Uncle. Please stop.

There. I feel much better. I almost threw the remote through the TV (again). I’m going to go watch “Anchorman” to work out the rest of the stress.

You’re welcome.

China exports have certainly taken some hits recently, with nearly every toy on the planet being recalled and the auspicious inclusion of automobile fluid in toothpaste. Clearly the Chinese have a problem with quality control- or rather their standards are just a weeeeee bit lower than the rest of the civilized world. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission decided 30 freaking years ago that lead and paint don’t belong together, but apparently the Chinese weren’t CC’d on that memo.

Makes sense then that the Chinese see an opportunity to take a big stride into the US auto market. Enter the Brilliance BS6. Released for sale in Europe last year and expected to make it to our shores sometime this year, is a car that makes lead paint and antifreeze in standard consumer goods look like childs play.

By US standards, a three-star crash rating by the NHTSA is bad. Bad enough to land a car at the top of Forbes top 20 most dangerous vehicles (Buick Rendezvous and Ford Ranger pickup). According to a recent German crash test, the Chinese Brilliance BS6 scored one star out of five. I don’t know if there’s some metric conversion that needs to take place from Euro to US but likely in any language, one star = coffin on wheels. To be fair, reports indicate the BS6 originally received two stars but performed so badly in the side crash test, they took a star away. Not a joke.

Equally disturbing is the crash test video. At 40 miles per hour, the car crumples as if it were made of tissue paper. This product should be recalled even before it’s released.

You’re welcome.

Red Renee is proud to announce our finest (and only) Marketing scheme we’ve hatched: 100 blogs in 100 days. Though not necessarily on consecutive days, we’re committing to 100 blogs in 100 days, all leading up to our one-year anniversary in late November. Along the way we’ve got some special surprises planned which we think you’re going to like. We’re committed to continue to bring you the best and worst of sports, life, and general absurdity.

So tell your friends. Tell your family. Tell your friends’ family. Stop by as often as you can- believe me, we need the traffic.

You’re welcome.

What is it about CNBC’s Erin Burnett that turns middle-aged men into blabbering piles of rubble? Maybe it’s the smoldering “girl-next-door” looks, the blue eyes, or the plunging necklines she’s often sporting. There’s got to be something to it when two of the more senior cable news men are reduced to their vulnerable pre-star, pre-wealth selves.

First is everyone’s favorite money man, Jim Cramer, apparently sliding into second base, head first:

Next is Cramer again, likely mesmerized by the skin-tight turtle shell number Burnett has on, reaching new ranting heights (which is a lot by Cramer standards). The meltdown starts at about the two minute mark and amazingly crescendos. All that’s missing from this rant is Cramer screaming “You can’t handle the truth!” And for the record, I’m pretty sure Erin can handle the truth.

Finally, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews goes off on a teen-like tangent asking Burnett to come closer to the camera. Warning: If you’re a big Chris Matthews fan, or are his wife, you may want to look away.

I’m always looking for a good t-shirt. Lightweight. Breathable. “No-quitter” neck line. Simple requirements. Even better when you find a t-shirt that can double as a gift. Well, you’re all in luck cause I found some good ones for you. They’re all courtesy of Gawker Media, a conglomerate of blog sites that….gulp…actually make money (someday….). And apparently they make enough money to have a staff or at least an intern that comes up with t-shirt designs.

The first one is an workplace special. Got a paranoid boss or know a VP of VP-ness that needs a little what for? This shirt’s got casual Fridays written all over it. It’s a solid color tee with a “sticky note” graphic on the upper right side. The sticky note reads “Your Assistant hates you”.

http://shop.gawker.com/cgi-bin/shopper.cgi?preadd=action&key=DFT03

The second shirt is perfect for just walking around town or hangin’ with your boys. It’s a navy blue tee with words and a graphic in the center that reads “Douche´” and the (implied) tagline, “Sometimes, you’re just outdouched.”

http://shop.gawker.com/cgi-bin/shopper.cgi?preadd=action&key=GWT09

Finally, another shirt that’s perfect for cruising the mall, the bookstore, church, whatever. It’s simple, yet assassin-like in it’s stealthiness. It’s a plain white tee with standard black type across the center: “Yes, I am quietly judging you.”

http://shop.gawker.com/cgi-bin/shopper.cgi?preadd=action&key=GWT02

Put me at the top of your list. Size large.

So I’m minding my own business on a Monday night, getting some work done, got Sportscenter on in the background, and what do my wandering ears hear but the dynamic duo themselves- Lou Holtz and Mark “stealing money from ESPN twice a month in the form of a paycheck” May already in mid-season form. The two (plus Reece Davis) were laying out their pre-season top 10- laughable in and of it itself- including Wisconsin at # 4 and LSU at # 2. I’ve got reams of ….screen… to be devoted to the Badgers and the Tigers but I’m saving that for a little later.

What really got me worked up tonight was two comments, first from May in describing Texas’ Sophomore Quarterback Colt McCoy: “If you thought Colt McCoy was good last year, he will be even better this year as a sophomore.” Really Mark? Is that how it works? May-day is an amazing never-ending fount of amazement. And he makes me wish my TV was a dunk tank every time I throw something at it.

And then Lou Holtz chimes in at the end of the piece when they’re talking about other potential top ten teams saying Notre Dame is “not in a rebuilding mode, they are reloading.” Reloading? Seriously? I guess if Charlie Weis is holding a one-of-a-kind Remington crap-gun, then yeah, they’re reloading.

Can’t wait for football to start. Still hate the BCS.

There’s a rule in the gangsta athlete handbook. Ok, more of a bylaw than a rule; it states “gangsta athletes must, above all else, take care of their boys”. Well, apparently that bylaw doesn’t run both ways because Mike Vick’s boys are turning star witness faster than Lindsey Lohan can break parole. According to ESPN reports Monday evening, two of Vick’s co-defendants Purnell Peace and Quanis Phillips are expected to accept plea agreements that would then clear them to testify against Vick. Peace and Phillips would join Tony Taylor who already accepted a plea agreement and had the first slice from the “Sink Vick” cake.

It’s got to be salt in the wound for Vick to have Joey Harrington take the reigns in the ATL. Harrington’s the consummate interview- squeaky and glib to a fault- just ask anyone in Detroit. It’s like Vick is Bruce Willis, the Falcons are Demi Moore, and Joey Harrington is Ashton Kutcher. The only difference is that Ashton Kutcher’s movies are slightly better than Harrington’s NFL stats, and Demi Moore is a little hotter than the Falcons.

And memo to all future athletes: if you see ESPN’s legal analyst Roger Cossack anywhere near you, your house, your locker room, the house where your dogs fight, wherever, Run Like Hell. He’s bad news and his presence means someone’s going down. He’s like the television grim reaper. He and Jeremy Schaap.

You’re welcome.

Wriststrong, the fame food chain and that darn Katie Couric. Enjoy.

It’s Friday and that means it’s Will Ferrell time. This Friday’s cinemagic moment is from the 2005 classic “Wedding Crashers”. Viewer discretion is advised. Don’t play this at work unless you’ve got headphones or you’re interested in getting fired.

This post is dedicated to Andy in Chicago. Enjoy! And get me that meatloaf.

It was a sweet idea from Mr. Leroy Greer- one dozen long-stemmed red roses, a cuddly, plushed bear, and the following message: “Just wanted to say that I love you and you mean the world to me! Leroy”. How sweet. Trouble is, Mr. Greer was lobbing that lovegram to his mistress, not his wife.

It’s ok though, Mr. Greer got 1-800-Flowers to keep the order private from his wife, with no record of the transaction mailed to his home or office. Smart chap. Too bad, the “customer retention” department didn’t get the “keep it on the down low” memo…

All was well until 1-800-Flowers sent a thank you card to the Greer “residence” for the purchase. Mrs. Greer happened to intercept that piece of mail and promptly dial up 1-800-Flowers to inquire. The company faxed a copy of the order in all its plushy goodness, and the rest is divorce court history.

http://www.abovethelaw.com/2007/08/lawsuit_of_the_day_6.php

Especially entertaining is the handwritten note scrawled at the bottom of Exhibit D.

You’re welcome.

In the ever escalating college football recruiting wars, Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans received great news from a 5-star fetus from Las Cruces, New Mexico. Well, good news from the parents at least. The fetus, to be named Corey (Jr.) upon birth, will be the son of Corey Lake and Sharla Lake. Corey (Sr.) was a former football standout at Fresno State and Sharla was a former athlete who won four Olympic medals in swimming. The mom-and-dad-to-be said they’ve taken their son-in-utero on several recruiting visits and were impressed by all the programs. “It was a tough decision”, said Mr. Lake, “but when it came time to make a decision, I got down real low to my wife’s belly and said ‘Corey- kick once for USC or twice for LSU’. Sharla got one big kick and “we knew then he was destined to be a Trojan”.

Sharla said they are still having some trouble putting together the birth announcements, mostly because they haven’t decided whether or not to include their son’s nickname. “We’re not sure whether or not to put little Corey’s nickname on there- ‘the Franchise’ or ‘Fran’ for short.” “We’ve also decided to include a picture of Coach Carroll holding a kidney bean on the announcement, just to have a little fun with LSU’s coach (Les) Miles”.

When asked to respond, Les Miles said “What’s a fetus?”

West coast recruiting guru Mel Minty confirmed that the Lake’s fetus is currently the #2 ranked prospect for the class of 2026, but that could change. There are several rumors circulating right now that the number 1 ranked prospect, “fetus Stanton” from the Sacramento area, may in fact be a girl. “The parents have been very coy about the results of their latest ultrasound,” continued Minty, “but if that dude turns out to be a girl, Corey moves up to the top of my board,” said Minty.

Snoop Dogg was unavailable for comment.

You’re welcome.

In honor of Barry Bonds’ 755th home run, tying the Major League record previously held by hammerin’ Hank Aaron, we present to you what may be the present and future of MLB, courtesy of the Saturday Night Live archives. Viewer discretion is advised.

You’re welcome.

Inspired partly by my love of old-fashioned greasy spoon joints and also inspired by Food Network’s series “Diners, Drive-ins and Dives with Guy Fieri”, we’re beginning a monthly post dedicated to great American diners. In an ever-homogenizing restaurant world, diners with unique history and high-quality food are truly endangered. If you get a chance to stop in at any of these restaurants, make sure you do. Feel free to leave your nominations for Diner of the Month in the comments.

This edition is dedicated to the South Side Soda Shop and Diner located in Goshen, Indiana. If you ever find yourself wandering around Northeastern Indiana, stop in to this legendary place. From the award winning chili to the long list of Philly hoagies, to the homemade bakery items and the classic diner fountain drinks, the South Side is worth the trip.

The South Side Soda Shop and Diner originally opened in 1910 as a grocery store. In the 40’s a soda fountain was installed and the building was converted to a soda shop. The shop was restored and re-opened in 1986 under the skillful direction of owners Nick and Charity Boyd. In 1994 a dining car was added to the existing building to add seating and give the place a more authentic diner look.

In addition to being featured on Food Network, the South Side has also been featured in a Steve Buscemi film (”Lonesome Jim”) and in Gourmet Magazine.

If you go, send us a picture and we’ll post your review.

http://www.southsidesodashopdiner.com/index.html