You’ve heard of “Snakes on a Plane”? Here’s the low-budget version- “Lexus in a Pool”. High speed car chases are a pretty common occurrence in California. Almost as common as foreclosures and plastic surgery. Few end up like this though.

Note the “reporter on the scene” talking about how the area around the car was a dead end. Uhhhhh….you think so? It’s a freaking pool you idiot. Unless they’ve got an outboard motor on the back of the Lexus (not an option at the time of this posting), I’m pretty sure the pool’s a dead end.

You’re welcome.

This story has just about run its course but I’ve had a rough couple days so, it’s still news to me. Here’s the press conference that started it all (make sure and turn your volume up real high as to make it even angrier sounding):

Here’s Jenni Carlson’s article in the Oklahoman that started it all.

Here’s Jenni Carlson’s video response plus a glimpse into local Stillwater news (frightening).

Who’s right? Don’t care. Should college athletes be treated like professional athletes? Nope. Can Mike Gundy yell louder than Jenni Carlson? Sure can. If Gundy stands still during his tirade with his orange t-shirt and in front of the orange Cowboy wallpaper, will we be able to see him? Sort of. How did Coach Gundy not drop any f-bombs during the tirade? No idea.

If you’re a big fan of “How I Met Your Mother” on ABC, and you saw the season premiere Monday night, you’ll appreciate this:

www.slapcountdown.com

You’re welcome.

What we learned- not much.

*The dude who decides where the players sit on the bench at West Virginia has a sense of humor. Courtesy of Mark O., we present to you DT #92 Johnny Dingle, and DL #93 Scooter Berry. The dynamic duo of…….Dingleberry.

*The wheels are officially off the Louisville Cardinal bandwagon. Louisville’s wet paper bag defense finally caught up with them this Saturday with a 38-35 loss at home to a very bad Syracuse football team. The six point loss at Kentucky the previous week was bad enough but a loss to Syracuse is inexcusable. It wasn’t for a lack of trying on the offensive side of the ball- Brohm and company put up 628 yards in the loss. Ironically, Louisville Defensive Coordinator Mike Cassity is the primary holdover from the Bobby Petrino era. Maybe that was part of Petrino’s plans- subtly undermining current Head Coach Steve Kragthorpe just in case the whole “Atlanta Falcons thing” doesn’t work out. Imagine that.

*Wofford is better than Penn State. It’s the six degrees of Bacon logic that resonates with half-wits like Mark May. Wofford beat Appalachian State this weekend, 42-31. App State beat Michigan and of course, Michigan beat Penn State this weekend. By extension, Wofford is also better than Notre Dame, but we already knew that.

*Tyler Graunke for Heisman. In relief of an injured Colt Brennan, Hawaii backup QB Tyler Graunke went 22/36 for 285 yards in Hawaii’s 66-10 rout of DI-AA Charleston Southern. Sorry Colt Brennan fans, just like Texas Tech, it’s the system and not necessarily the player.

*The Florida Gator defense is young and vulnerable. On the road in Oxford, Mississippi, the Gators D gave up 24 points and 390 yards to a 1-3 team. Coming into the game, the Rebels were averaging 22 points per game and ~360 yards per game. Improving your average against the #3 team in the country is a problem for the #3 team in the country…

*Need to take your anger out on Chuck Weis? Maybe Lloyd Carr? Tom Coughlin got you all worked up? Head over to firethatguy.com and wear your sentiments.

Current standings according to the Harris Poll
1.) USC- Last seen…beating down Washington State 47-14. Next up is a trio of stat-padders: 1-2 Stanford, 1-3 Arizona, and of course 0-4 Notre Dame. Trojan fans should relax and get some surfing in before the game at Oregon on October 27.

2.) LSU- Last seen…running the sweetest fake punt I’ve seen in a long time while beating South Carolina. Of all the things that makes Spurrier grit his teeth, getting housed by a trick play, especially when the Head Coach on the other sideline is a moron, must get him worked up the most. Next up is a scrimmage with 1-2 Tulane before the showdown with the Gators in two weeks.

3.) Oklahoma- Last seen…drilling Tulsa 62-21 on Friday night. Still not sold entirely on the Oklahoma offense considering two of their lopsided wins have come against two teams in the bottom six in the country in total defense (Tulsa- #112, North Texas- #118) and a third against a I-AA opponent. Next up is a scrimmage with 2-2 Colorado before the meeting with Texas in two weeks.

4.) Florida- Last seen…holding on for a six-point win at Mississippi. Giving up 18 points in the 3rd quarter to a below average team isn’t going to get it done in the SEC. Next up is a 2-2 Auburn squad followed by a brutal road stretch of @ LSU, @ Kentucky and @ Georgia. I don’t see them getting through this stretched undefeated. Sorry Gators.

5.) West Virginia- Last seen…stealing 1-3 East Carolina’s lunch money by a score of 48-7. Think you know how good West Virginia is? How could you? West Virginia’s opponents have a combined record of 4-12. Those same opponents are all ranked in the bottom half statistically in both total defense and offense. Sorry Mountaineers, still waaaaaaay too early to declare WVU a Big East title and National Championship contender. Next up is a date this Friday at South Florida which will provide the first real test for Pat White & co.

6.) California- Last seen…nearly doubling up 1-3 Arizona at home. Cal’s been completely untested since their opening win at home against Tennessee. We’ll find out what they’re made of this week at Oregon.

7.) Ohio State- Last seen…victimizing 2-2 Northwestern 58-7. Ohio State could’ve put up 100 against Northwestern, but then again, we are talking about a team that lost to Duke, so…. Next up is a night scrimmage at Minnesota followed by a good test with another night game at Purdue. Ohio State has three night games this year, all on the road.

8.) Texas- Last seen…getting their groove back on against 0-4 Rice, 58-14. Next up is a trap game against 2-1 Kansas State before the showdown with Oklahoma. Texas best not be looking ahead to the Sooners, otherwise they’ll find themselves on the losing end to KSU.

9.) Wisconsin- Last seen…holding on for dear life against a 2-2 Iowa team, 17-13 at home. The last three games don’t paint a pretty picture- a 7 point win over a 2-2 UNLV, a 14 point win over I-AA Citadel, and the ugly win over Iowa. Next up is a date at home with 4-0 Michigan State. This isn’t the crazy man’s Spartan team so I’m picking the Spartans in the upset.

10.) Oregon- Last seen…beating 1-2 Stanford by 24 points. We’ll find out if the Ducks are for real at home this week against #6 California. If the Ducks can pull of the win, they deserve to be vaulted up to at least #5 or #6.

You’re welcome.

1.) Can South Carolina pull off the upset at #2 LSU? Psyche- I already know the answer to that one- it’s no. Not in Death Valley. However, we are going to get a good read on where the LSU offense is against a stingy SC defense (statistically eight teams better in total defense than Virginia Tech). If South Carolina can force a couple turnovers and get some breaks on offense, the game could be close. Otherwise, the Trojans are probably going to lose a few more first place votes.

2.) Everyone back on the Louisville bandwagon after they obliterate a horrible Syracuse team Saturday! Ok, fine, so that isn’t a question. Whatever.

3.) How many more #1 votes will Florida receive after they beat down a pathetic 1-2 Mississippi team? I’m setting the over/under at 6 votes.

4.) Is Penn State a legitimate contendor for the Big Ten Championship and possibly the National Championship? Time to prove it. We’ll find out the answer depending on which Michigan team shows up. The battle to watch is the Penn State receivers against the Michigan secondary. I don’t believe the Nits have a strong enough running game to go one-dimensional on a defense with a pulse (up for debate). Obviously the Michigan QB position will also go a long way in determing the outcome. Unfortunately for Penn State, it’s a bit of trap game- they won’t get much credit for winning, unless they do it big (since it’s on the road) and if they lose, they’re going to get buried and the Big Ten will drop somewhere between the WAC and Conference USA in the respect category.

5.) What’s going to happen when Michigan State travels to Notre Dame? This time last year on this Bat Channel, and in East Lansing, Spartie gave up 26 points in the final two quarters of the game providing one of the most spectactular implosions in the John L. Smith era and ultimately the end of his tenure. We’ll find out if Mark Dantonio can continue to steer the Spartans toward sanity and whether or not the Irish can take advantage of possibly their last opportunity for a win before Navy comes to town on November 3. By the way, why in the world would the powers that be not schedule this game at night after last year’s instant classic? Sing it with me- Lost opp-or-tun-i-ty.

6.) Can the Texas Longhorns finally break out of their “funk of mediocrity” and beat a team at home (Rice) who they’ve beaten by an average of 43 points over the last two years? Don’t really care; let’s talk two weeks when Oklahoma comes to town. Until then, they don’t belong in the Top Ten.

7.) Will USC start resting some of their players this week against a 2-1 Washington State team in preparation for Oregon in five weeks? Snoop Dogg says yes.

8.) Will I be impressed when Colt Brennan and Hawaii beat a second D-IAA team like a pahu (Hawaiin for drum, I looked it up)? Nope. Nice scheduling Hawaii. Come to the mainland and play some real teams. Then we can talk Heisman and BCS.

9.) The Georgia Bulldogs aren’t and haven’t been relevant to the national picture for a long time. Can Bear Saban and ‘Bama at home put them out of the top 25? Please?

10.) North Texas has given up 124 points and 1,200 yards in just two games this season. At what point in a young Texans’ mind does he say, “in addition to a moderate class load and plenty ‘o tail chasin’, I’d prefer to get beaten soundly every Saturday”?

As a bonus to my loyal readers, here’s the bottom five defense in offenses in the country heading into Saturday (being #1 on this list is bad):

Worst Statistical Defenses (total yards given up per game)
1. North Texas - 601 yards
2. San Diego State- 566 yards
3. SMU - 561 yards
4. Minnesota- 556 yards
5. Western Michigan - 534 yards

Worst Statistical Offenses (total yards gained per game)
1. Notre Dame - 115 yards
2. Florida International - 180 yards
3. San Jose State - 190 yards
4. Syracuse - 199 yards
5. Utah State- 222 yards

You’re welcome.

No introduction does this video justice- just watch. Safe for workplace.

It appears this guy is some dude named Jake Byrd- this is freaking hilarious. He even gets behind wunderkind Bill Hemmer. “Thank you Joe Pesci”. Freaking hilarious. Ten bucks says if this press conference took place at the University of Florida, this dude would have been tasered.

On this fine Thursday night, Red Renee asks the following question: “What the $%& is going on with Notre Dame?”

Rather than just poke fun at the obvious, like the fact that their offense is statistically ranked last in D-I and their defense is only a little better, or that over three games, they’ve averaged -4.7 yards rushing, instead I’m going to choose to be more constructive. I’m going to focus on what I believe to be a root cause of some of the problems Notre Dame is having- talent. That’s right- talent.

If you look across the country at most of the successful programs in the country, Freshmen and Sophomores are making solid contributions early and often. One of the rubs on Tyrone Willingham was that he wasn’t bringing in highly ranked recruiting classes. Not so with Chuck Weis, having the #8 recruiting classes each of the last two years according to Rivals.com.

If the cupboard was so bare when Chuck took over, you’d expect to see the two-deep today littered with young players that would be able to quickly come in and make an impact. In fact, that was probably one of the biggest selling points Weis made to the recruits when they came to visit: “Come play for us and you’ll be starting on NBC in no time”.

Take a look at the starting lineup and it’s a very, very different story. Of the 22 starters for Notre Dame, only 4 come from those heralded recruiting classes- OL Sam Young, CB Darrin Walls, OL Daniel Wenger, and of course QB Jimmie Clausen.

If you expand out to the two-deep, it’s not much better. Of the 44 in the two deep, only 7 more players from those two classes show up- OL Matt Romine, DE Kerry Neal, RB James Aldridge, DB Raeshon McNeil, OL Matt Karufel, OL Eric Olsen, WR D.J. Hord. Out of all of those players, here’s the production they’re delivering- Darrin Walls- one interception, James Aldridge- 17 carries for 67 yards, D.J. Hord- 1 catch, 5 yards. That’s it. 1 interception and 72 yards. Absolutely disgraceful.

That’s a total of 11 players out of 44 from some of the best high school players in the country. Putting it another way, 25% of the two-deep is made up of elite recruits from the last two years, and the other 75% is made up of something else. Still another way- there are fourteen 4-star players riding the bench at 3rd string or lower making no contribution, or transferring in the case of 4-star Quarterback and Rivals Top 100 #54 Demetrius Jones. Aside from Jones, there are five players riding the bench that were Rivals Top 100 players coming out of high school- WR Duval Kamara (Rivals #34), RB Armando Allen (Rivals #52), TE Konrad Keuland (Rivals #81), TE Mike Ragone (Rivals #83), and DB Gary Gray (Rivals #78).

At most schools with depth at various positions, it’s often said that 2nd string running back Billy Bob JoJo would “start anywhere else”. Well, we’ve seen the starters at Notre Dame and they’re terrible, so why aren’t the aforementioned highly rated recruits contributing? Again I ask, What the $%& is going on with Notre Dame? I’m afraid for Notre Dame fans, the answer isn’t quite that simple. The answer I believe is two-fold: player assessment and player development.

First, assessment: For Weis to field that pathetic excuse for a football team after spring camp and after fall camp has to mean that he and the coaching staff simply can’t assess the talent they have and put them in the right places to succeed (dare I say the “S” word- scheme). USC, LSU, Florida, Texas, Penn State etc. have all translated top ten recruiting classes into on-the-field results. Weis’ comments this week that they’re going back to camp to re-assess is completely asinine. Why does it take a lopsided 0-3 record to get him to this revelation? What the hell is going on at practice in South Bend?

Second, development. One could also argue that Weis and the rest of the coaching staff simply aren’t developing that talent, and that’s why the players are not cracking the two-deep. This one’s a little more complicated since you’d need to be at practice to know for sure. But the statistics provide some indication that there may be a teaching problem on top of everything else.

Either way, I’m convinced there are some serious problems under the surface that better get fixed before Weis gets Willinghamed. And sorry Notre Dame fans, this isn’t something Chuck can just wave his magic wand at, this is going to take some time and probably deliver one of the worst seasons for any major program in a long, long time.

You’re welcome.

I’m sure by now you’ve heard about the Florida student that was tasered at a Town Hall Monday hosted by Senator John Kerry. A lot of people are claiming violation of free speech but I submit to you the following:

1.) The student (Andrew Meyer), based on how he questioned Senator Kerry, was bound to be tasered at some point in his life. At least he got it over with now. In fact, one has to wonder if Meyer has been tasered before, based on his comment to one of the cops- “Don’t tase me bro!”. That’s my new favorite tag line. I might put it at the end of all my e-mails.
2.) The campus cops that grabbed, subdued, and tasered Meyer look to be standard issue campus police- not exactly a.) constitutional scholars nor b.) used to dealing with morons to the level of Mr. Meyer. BTW- where was the secret service detail during all of this?
3.) It appears during the video that John Kerry continues to speak to the crowd, even while Mr. Meyer is cursing and ultimately being tasered at the back of the auditorium. Talk about un-flappability. Either that, or Kerry is used to people being tasered during his speeches.

This thing is almost too bizarre to be real. Watch it for yourself.

University of Florida President J. Bernard Machen also issued a statement shortly thereafter:

You’re welcome.

This guy’s a cross between Elvis, Ace Ventura, Jason Priestly (circa 90210), David Puddy (Patrick Warburton), and Little Richard. Most entertaining is watching some of the Starbucks’ employees and their a.) responses, and b.) their general appearance. The guy calling 911 is classic too- what’s he going to say on the phone- uhhh…”there’s a psychopath in a blue polyester suit entertaining our customers, please help….”

Special thanks to Mark O. for this find.

Enjoy.

My golf game is bad. Angry John Daly bad. I pretty consistently shoot in the low 100’s and also consistently strike fear into foursomes one hole ahead and one hole behind the one I’m playing. I got to thinking about how some slight improvements in my game (namely no three-putts and less cursing) could make a big difference in my handicap so I decided to apply some Washington-style fuzzy math to see how close I am to “making the tour”.

The first and most obvious place to start is equipment. My clubs are a patchwork of hand-me-down irons, a free putter I got at a golf outing, and a driver with a club face the size of a small moon. The pro’s get custom-fitted clubs based on exacting specifications that are constantly fine-tuned by the manufacturers. I reckon if I got me a set of those I’d shave at least ten strokes off my game. Off to a good start.

The pro’s also get caddies. At the golf courses I play, I’m lucky to get a little hastlin’ from the ranger, let alone someone to carry my bags, clean the scorched earth off my irons (and woods), and deliver shot-saving tips and yardage quotes. Caddie’s also replace divots and rake the sand- I burn about 150 calories per round doing that. I figure a professional caddie has got to be worth at least one stroke every three holes- that’s six more strokes skimmed right off the top.

The next advantage PGA players get is practice rounds. I figure that if I had a chance to get out to my local course the day before I show up for an “event”, I’d take at least three strokes off my competition score. After all, familiarity of the course and knowing where to find stray balls has got to be worth something. Going good so far; I’m already down eighteen strokes which would take my 102 down to a respectable 83. Not done yet though.

The biggest advantage professional players have is spectators. One could argue that large throngs of spectators add to the stress of making shots. I’d argue that you’ve got to work through that stress- either close your eyes before you swing or start drinking. From my vantage point, spectators deliver two benefits to the pro- first they trample down all that heavy stuff (where most of my tee shots go) so maneuvering around the fairways becomes easier. Let’s call that a four stroke advantage. Also, I take three or four penalty strokes per round for balls that go astray never to be found again. That wouldn’t happen with thousands of spectators. There’s four more shots which takes me down to a 75. I’ve never even sniffed 80 before; who knew it would be this easy.

Another category is what I’ll call secondary equipment- $40 monogrammed golf balls, fancy gloves and shoes, ultra tight trousers (must be worth something, otherwise why are all the Euro’s wearing them), unbroken tees, etc. It all adds up to at least four strokes. That takes me below par to 71. Man I’m good.

There are also some secondary benefits to being a professional player- access to the club house, professional driver to take you to and from the course, free food, professional instructor on call, etc. That’s all worth two to three strokes. Let’s call it two to be conservative.

Pro’s also get fat endorsements. Everything from the logos on their shirts and hats to commercials and magazine ads, all to the tune of hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars. Having that kind of peace of mind would bring a degree of stress-free serenity to my game that would be good for at least three strokes. Seriously- am I really going to worry about that 30-yard wedge shot if Izod is paying me $500,000 to make sure I get my tight Izod trousers in the camera shot? I think not. That takes me all the way down to a 65.

The final advantage the pros have is talent. Now I don’t happen to have any of that (golf talent at least) but that doesn’t seem to be a problem- at 65 I’d be on or near the leader board of nearly every event.

You’re welcome.

1.) USC- They’re number 1, and they should be. The Trojans defense might be as good or better than LSU’s and their offense is waaaaay better. I don’t think we should get too carried away about a Nebraska blowout- upon further review, what had Nebraska really done? A blowout of Nevada and a 3-point win over Wake Forest hardly warrants the kind of respect they were getting. Nonetheless, for USC to go into Lincoln and destroy them the way they did is impressive. Look for USC to cruise early and often until their late October showdown at Oregon.

2.) LSU- Beatdown of Middle Tennessee State? You betcha. The Tigers have got a decent opponent coming in this week in the form of South Carolina, then at Tulane, and then Florida at home. I know LSU has averaged 46 points a game but I’m still not sold on their offense. Florida should provide a lot stiffer test.

3.) Florida- Both polls moved the Gators from five to three based on their 39 point win over Tennessee. It’s hard not to be impressed with the win but keep in mind that a.) the game was at the swamp and b.) the Volunteers hadn’t done anything to deserve respect (see “Nebraska”)- a 14-point loss to Cal and a 20-point win over Southern Miss. Florida’s offense is very strong but Gator fans have to be a little concerned that Tim Tebow has been the leading rusher in the last two games. Good to have that productivity but there’s two sides to that productivity if he gets injured. The defense has shut down the run but has given up an average of 272 yards per game through the air against Troy and Tennessee. That could spell trouble against LSU or Kentucky or both.

4.) Oklahoma- Oklahoma moved down one spot in the AP and up one spot in the Coaches poll to a consensus #4, despite or because of a 54-3 pasting of Utah State. Unfortunately for the Sooners, their schedule has and is going to hurt them if the season ends up with multiple undefeated teams. Winning by an average of 61-9 is a tremendous show of force except that it has come against significantly inferior opponents. And it doesn’t look like the Big 12 is going to bring any help either. Only two ranked opponents on their schedule- the BCS computers aren’t going to like that. Neither should Sooner season ticket holders.

5.) West Virginia- A 31-14 win over an average Maryland team was enough to convince voters to drop WVU one spot in both polls. Next on the schedule is 1-2 East Carolina and then a night game at 2-0 South Florida. If the Mountaineers pass that test (pick ‘em at this point), they’ve got an 0-3 Syracuse and a 2-1 Mississippi State before traveling to Rutgers. Between Rutgers and South Florida, I think WVU is going to drop one; not sure which one yet.

6/7.) Texas- Texas dropped a spot in the AP poll (#7) but remained at #6 in the coaches poll. Are you kidding me? Is anyone actually watching them play? An 8-point win over Arkansas State? A 21-point win at home over TCU? A 3-point win on the road at Central Florida? This team should barely be sniffing the top 10, let alone at 6/7. Longhorn fans need to be very concerned. Colt McCoy has thrown five interceptions in three games and the UT defense has given up an average of 19 points per game. Again- what games are the pollsters watching? Are they even aware that Vince Young plays in the NFL now? Unfortunately, Texas has Rice and Kansas State over the next two weeks until Oklahoma puts them out of their misery. I just hope the pollsters have the balls to drop them twenty spots after the Sooners drop 56 points on them.

6/8.) California- Cal remains at 8 in the Coaches’ Poll but rose two spots to 6 in the AP Poll, I guess on the basis of a 30-point win over 1-2 Louisiana Tech at home. Hmmmm……okay. Cal also has an opening 14-point win at home over Tennessee (which looks much less impressive after what Florida did to Fulmer’s crew) and a 6-point win on the road at 0-2 Colorado State. Sorry Bear fans, I just don’t see it yet. How the media saw fit to move them up two spots is beyond me.

7/9.) Wisconsin- The Badgers dropped two spots in the AP poll (to 9) but remained at 7 in the Coaches’ poll, despite another squeaker over a completely inferior team. A 7-point win over UNLV and a 14-point win over I-AA Citadel doesn’t describe a top ten team. Memo to Badger fans- where the hell is the defense we’re all supposed to fear? An average of 22 points given up against pansies is pathetic. Michigan State in a couple weeks and @ Penn State a couple weeks later should end the dream for this team. Sorry Badgers.

8/9.) Ohio State- Memo to the Buckeyes- modern college football is played in two halves. In consecutive games, Ohio State has led 3-2 at the half and been behind 7-3 at the half this week. That constitutes a trend and that’s a problem. A win on the road against an improving Washington team is good news but too many turnovers (or almost turnovers) and not enough consistency are reasons for major concern. At Purdue in three weeks (night game, gold-out (or whatever)) should provide a good test.

10.) Penn State- The Nits are a consensus #10 in both polls but are up two spots from 12 in both polls as a result of their 21-point win over Buffalo (not the Bills). Three games in and only one interception by Morelli (hold your breath PSU fans). The fighting JoePa’s go on the road to play Michigan this week. I haven’t the slightest idea what’s going to happen in that game. If I had to guess, I’d say Michigan is going to get cocky after their scrimmage win this weekend and Penn State will roll.

Other News and Notes:
*Kentucky is getting screwed. Kentucky is 3-0 and just beat Louisville yet Louisville is ranked ahead of them; Louisville is 18/19 and Kentucky is 21/23. What? On what planet does logic make that make sense. Just another reason to hate college football and #$@#$@ #$#$#!@ polls.

*Louisville is in serious trouble in the Big East. Coach Kragthorpe may want to throw Harry Douglas and Mario Urrutia at Linebacker or Cornerback ’cause that defense sucks. 40 points to Kentucky and 42 points to Middle Tennessee State spells trouble with a couple extra L’s. Love the pizza though (Papa John’s stadium).

*Why the hell is Georgia still in the top 25? They’re 2-1 with a loss to South Carolina and wins over 1-2 Oklahoma State and 0-3 and I-AA Western Carolina. Georgia Tech, Purdue, and Michigan State are all unranked and are all better than Georgia.

*UCLA is out of the top 25 but still shows up in the “others receiving votes” category. Are you kidding me? Whoever is giving them votes needs to be drug-tested. A win over 1-1 Stanford, a 10-point win over 1-2 BYU and a 38-point loss to 1-2 Utah. Their surfing privileges should be revoked for at least 24 hours.

*Notre Dame. Ohhhh, Notre Dame. 0-3 record. Five losses in a row dating back to last year. No offensive touchdowns. 1 QB transfer. An average of 34 points per game given up. And it’s still going to get worse- Michigan State this week, then at Purdue, at UCLA, home for Boston College, then home for USC. Pete Carroll should be kind and send Snoop Dogg’s pop Warner team to South Bend instead of the Trojans. Memo to Chuck W.- you may want to videotape the other teams defensive playcalls. Didn’t you learn anything from Belichick?

*The “All-Class” award this week goes to Rutgers Coach Greg Schiano. Just before halftime against I-AA Norfolk State, and with a 45-0 lead, Greg Schiano felt it necessary to call three consecutive timeouts after three consecutive Norfolk running plays as Norfolk was trying to run out the clock and get into the locker room. Norfolk State had managed a total of 59 yards of offense so it’s understandable why Schiano didn’t feel comfortable with only a 45-point lead. No, not really. That’s a disgusting lack of sportsmanship Greg. Get some class, or else your feel-good story will disappear faster than a wide receiver going deep against Notre Dame.

You’re welcome.

1.) If Michigan beats Notre Dame in the big house and no one is there to see it, does it really happen?

2.) If Florida International and Miami brawl again this year, will anyone really care? Will it even make it on Sportscenter?

3.) Can Central Florida beat #6 Texas? I’m not saying Texas is going to lose, I’m just saying it’s a strong possibility and nobody is talking about it. Texas is the consensus #6 team but has yet to look like it. The Longhorns looked way below average in a squeaker win against Arkansas State and beat TCU last week with an asterisk- stats and score look pretty good but TCU also turned it over four times and had 13 penalties for 100 yards. Next comes word that Texas Senior Safety Tyrell Gatewood and another player were arrested Wednesday and charged with two counts of drug possession. Good time to go on the road out of conference? Probably not. Hard to tell at this point if UCF is any good; they beat NC State in their first game on the road, but that was an NC State team without the services of Chuck Amato and his space goggles. Central Florida had a bye week so they’ll be really ready….errr something like that.

4.) When is Nick Saban going to bust out the hounds-tooth hat? You know he’s going to at some point. I also want to know how many hair stylists he’ll keep on the sideline after he decides to take the hat off. Does he wear the hat to bed each night? Along with his red satin ‘Bama pj’s?

5.) Between Louisville and Kentucky tomorrow- who can get to 50 the quickest?

6.) After drilling Mississippi State 45-0 and Virginia Tech 48-7, can LSU actually get Middle Tennessee State into negative points? I’m sure it’s possible, I’m just not that good at math.

7.) When Duke travels to Northwestern Saturday, which fans will be able to come up with the more clever “…..you’ll work for us someday” cheers?

8.) How quickly will Cornhusker fans call for Bill Callahan’s job after they lose to USC tomorrow? Sorry Nebraska nation, unless USC leaves their pads in LA, you’re still not quite ready for the big win.

9.) If Tennessee can keep Florida’s offense in check, can their offense score enough points to pull off the upset?

10.) Notre Dame has averaged 133 yards per game of offense (-4 rushing, 137 passing). Michigan has given up an average of 505.5 yards on defense (260 passing, 245.5 rushing). Can you spell inept with an ND or a UM? Can Michigan come up with any kind of a pass rush to fluster QB Ron Powlus errrrrrr Jimmy Clausen? If you put the secondaries together between Notre Dame and Michigan, could that unit start for any team in the top 25?

Bonus question: Beano Cook picked Notre Dame and Auburn to play for the national title last year. If I live for 100 more years, will I ever see that game happen. Ever?

Two more coaches got the proverbial “support of management” publicly this week which of course means they’ll be fired sometime in the very near future.

The first coach given the prophecy was Michigan ball coach Lloyd Carr.

U of M Athletic Director said “Absolutely I support him. Period. There’s no more to the story. I support him.”

Translation: “Absolutely I support him (in his new career as Associate Athletic Director). Period (not period, still under intense negotiation). There’s no more to the story (there’s plenty more, just no more I’m going to tell you right now). I support him (but not as much as I’m going to support our new Head Coach Les Miles).

The second coach given verbal walking papers isn’t a surprise- Cleveland Browns Head Coach Romeo Crennel- With a 10-22 record over his first two years.

The timing of that firing could be interesting, I’m guessing Week 10. Browns General Manager Phil Savage used a familiar flanking-support move by linking arms with Romeo and re-directing aggression toward the media: “You’re in the business of creating controversy and conflict. Romeo and I are in the business to create cohesion and continuity. That’s the way we’re going to win.”

Translation: “We’re in the business of creating pain and agony for Cleveland Browns’ fans. Romeo and I have created neither cohesion nor continuity. Only nine players remain from the 2004 squad- that’s on me, the GM. Everything else is on Romeo. The only continuity he’s created is a high level of horrible football and utter befuddlement. I have no idea how we’re going to win, but by bringing in a new head coach, I’ll buy myself another two years of employment.”

You’re welcome.

Ding, dong, the holdout’s dead. Screw you rookie QB and your holdout-encouragin’ posse. (sung to any tune you like)

ESPN is reporting that #1 overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell and the Oakland Raiders have reached tentative agreement on a fat/phat contract. Russell is expected to sign a six-year contract worth a maximum of $68 million, including $31 million or so in guaranteed money. In exchange for the guaranteed money, Raiders fan get a guarantee that Russell won’t be a factor for the Raiders anytime soon (since he missed all of training camp and game one of the regular season) and Raider fan also gets a guarantee that the Raiders will suck for the foreseeable future.

According to the report, both sides were to be working “very late into the night and possibly into Tuesday morning” in order to iron out the final terms of the contract. They better be working “late into the night”. Everyone involved on both sides of this deal is filthy rich, either because of it or because they were born that way. I frequently work “late into the night” and probably won’t see 9% of $68 million my entire life.

Meanwhile, Jamarcus still hasn’t played a single down in the league and we don’t yet know whether his tangibles, intangibles, and SEC-ness will translate into boom or bust. One thing’s for sure- he’s rich now.

Here are five suggestions to make Saturday’s Notre Dame vs. Michigan game more interesting and more marketable:

1. Bring back Appalachian State and put together a Michigan/Notre Dame “all-star” team to take on the Mountaineers. Boffo in the Big House II. Trademarked.

2. Let the flutes fight. Everybody knows that there has been a long-standing feud between the flutes in the Michigan band and the flutes in the Notre Dame band. Alright, maybe I made that up. Let’s just assume it’s true. Dedicate the half time or hell, dedicate the 2nd quarter to a steel-cage match between flautists from both universities. That is how you sell tickets my friends. Print it.

3. All freshmen. That’s right- true and redshirt. It looks like Henne’s out so it will already be frosh against frosh at the quarterback position. That will give the game even more of an authentic “JV” feel than it already has.

4. WeisCarr Wrestling. Come on. You know you want to see that. Lloyd Carr and Charlie Weis wrestling. Chuck’s got an obvious weight advantage but Carr is scrappy and has a meaner scowl.

5. Create a matchup trophy. They’re popular for lots of other “rivalry games”. For the inaugural event, we’ll call it the “Employment” trophy. Whichever staff wins the game gets to keep their job; losers are off to the WAC.

You’re welcome.

1.) USC- Hard to draw any conclusions after only one game, especially when that game is at home against Idaho. Next week at Nebraska will provide a good test but we really won’t know how good USC is until late October when they travel to Oregon. One thing is for sure- the PAC-10 is a legitimate conference this year. Cal, UCLA, Oregon, Washington, and Arizona State are all solid clubs. The rest of the league is crap but these days, half the conference being good is good enough. It’s no SEC but it will provide some amusing matchups.

I have a theory about the PAC-10 relative to USC- it’s called the cast-off theory. It’s like Collin Ferrell and his posse. Ferrell’s a vacuum for tail when they’re out at the clubs. Since Ferrell has only so many “scholarships”, his posse picks up the A-/B+ talent. USC is Collin Ferrell (except that USC puts their athletes up in nicer apartments) and Ferrell’s posse is the PAC-10.

2.) LSU- Their defense is for real; but we already knew that. Bo Pellini’s group has been dominant in two outings against two non-cupcake opponents- but they looked at least human when Virginia Tech brought in the scrambling Freshman quarterback. Human to a point- they still only allowed seven points. I’m still not sold on LSU’s offense (I know they’ve scored 93 points in two games, I’m talking about championship teams here). I question whether Matt Flynn can deliver a win on the road in the SEC- unfortunately, LSU only has four road games and the hardest one is either at Alabama or at Kentucky- not very frightening. Barring injuries, LSU’s got a clean pass to the SEC Championship game and a date with USC where they’ll finally be tested on the road.

3.) Florida- Can’t draw any conclusions here about Florida- wins over Western Kentucky and Troy tell us absolutely nothing. 31 points given up to Troy should raise some eyebrows but we’re going to chalk that up to “looking ahead to Tennessee” next week. Unless it happens again. October 6th at LSU will provide the real test for the Tebow Experience.

4.) West Virginia- Can’t draw conclusions here either- other then they won on the road which is always a good thing. 24 points and 23 points given up in successive outings are reason for concern- especially since they haven’t played a decent offense yet and will play defenses that will keep them under 35. At South Florida and at Rutgers will be phenomenal tests. The Big East has looked strong early on with key out of conference wins (Cincinnati and South Florida) but I’m not ready to call them a league yet. Sorry boys. Still not drinking the Kool-Aid; the packet’s in my shopping cart though.

5.) Wisconsin- Mixed results- a good opening win against a bad PAC-10 opponent but a very sketchy win on the road against a very bad UNLV team (only two wins each of the last two seasons). It took 11 points late to beat UNLV and the offense looked very vulnerable- QB Tyler Donovan was 14-26 for only 138 yards and it took P.J. Hill 20 carries to get 147 yards- not a bad night but he could have got that yardage in half the carries last season. I’ll believe Wisconsin is for real when the beat a quality opponent, which they won’t have a chance to do until October 13th at Penn State (I smell a white outttttt….).

A side note about the Big Ten- the conference is mediocre and the conference championship is wiiiiiiiiiide open. Wisconsin is very vulnerable; Anyone who knows what Michigan is going to do next is lying; Ohio State has got some pretty serious O-Line questions to get answered, and some new turnover issues to deal (with 5 against Akron yesterday); and I’m still not buying Penn State either. The Nit’s defense is outstanding, no doubt about that. The offense is still questionable- 131 yards passing against the swiss cheese secondary that is Notre Dame doesn’t cut it. Morelli still looks very Chad Henne-like at times. Austin Scott getting 118 yards is a positive sign- too bad it took him 28 carries to get that.

6.) Oklahoma- Based on their performance so far, they belong at #3 and maybe #2 in the country. They are by far the class of the Big 12. And I’m going to call it now- the Big 12 is average to below average this year. In fact, I might be ready to rank the Big East ahead of the Big 12 this year. We’ll know for sure after their first challenge October 6th at Texas. They’ve beaten two very bad teams soundly and haven’t raised any red flags yet. Before any of you try and defend the win over the Hurricanes, don’t. This ain’t your parole officer’s Hurricanes. That is a team in serious trouble. I call for an immediate round robin “Tournament of Crap” between Michigan, Notre Dame, Miami, and Florida State. One word for you- “ratings”. You can thank me later TV execs.

7.) Texas- This team does not belong in the Top 10. Period. The Longhorns finally woke up in the fourth quarter yesterday putting on 24 points on the way to their 34-13 win over TCU but one good quarter can’t erase the previous seven quarters of bad football. Texas will hover in the Top 10 for a couple more weeks until their first test on October 6th when the Sooners come a-callin’.

8.) Louisville- This team does not belong in the Top 10 either. Giving up 42 points and 554 yards to Middle Tennessee State isn’t “dodging a bullet”, it’s “your defense is below average and you don’t belong in a BCS game. No questions on offense, 131 points scored in two games, except that those 131 points came against two D-IAA schools. Sorry- Cards- you gotta’ have a good offense and a good defense for me to call you good. I’m not impressed by single-faceted teams, because against good competition, single-faceted teams always lose. Always.

9.) Virginia Tech- After the blowout loss to LSU, they’ll fall out of the top ten so not much left for discussion here. Pretty good defense. Lots of questions on offense. Easy schedule the rest of the way save for a road game at Georgia Tech.

10.) Too soon to draw conclusions about Cal with a six point squeaker over 0-2 Colorado State yesterday. After giving up 458 yards and 28 points to Colorado State, there are some serious questions to be answered on defense. Thankfully for them, their offense will keep them in most games. The next test for them comes September 29th at Oregon, which at this early stage, I’m predicting they’ll lose.

Other news and notes from Saturday:

Disney has officially put Cinderella back in “the vault”. She’s gone. TCU is toast. Boise State is finished. Hawaii doesn’t play anyone of matter so sorry- they’re disqualified. I call for a moratorium on the use of Cinderella from all sportswriters this year. We’re gonna’ have to wait for March Madness to call up Geraldo Rivera and open the vault.

One of my favorite songs of all time is “The Battle of Who Could Care Less” by the Ben Folds Five. Well, I’m officially dubbing next week’s Notre Dame vs. Michigan matchup as “The Battle of Who Could Suck Less”. Trademarked.

Have you heard of NBC’s “Football Night in America”? Well I’m dubbing Thursday night to be “Big East Football Night in America”. Seriously. Big East students should go to classes on Saturday and take off on Thursday. That would make Wednesday the new Friday. Whatever, I’m sure they can figure it out.

It’s brilliant marketing on the Big East’s part; line up a schedule of Big East teams against patsies, highlight the matchups by putting them on Thursday night, and sub-consciously convince the general public that the Big East teams are special as a result of the blowouts. It appears to be working. I’m not complaining; I’ll take college football any day I can get it.

You’re welcome.

We’re going to play a little word game on RedRenee tonight. I’m going to present you with some quotes from an article in the hometown newspaper of a college football team and you get to guess which team deserves such inky bloodshed:

Here’s the title of the article: “Journey starts, and (team) quickly loses its way”

Here are some of my favorite quotes:

“Saturday…after those months of rhetoric, after those nonstop pep talks to any Rotary Club or street corner gathering that would listen, (insert name of city/state) had a chance to see a ________-coached football team.”

“The (insert team name) trailed 21-0 at halftime. They left to numerous boos and disgusted shakes of the head.”

“There were also thousands who simply left, figuring no matter what happened after intermission could not make up for the embarrassment of what occurred in the first two quarters…”

“…so let’s stop tossing the hogwash and try some humility. Better yet, why not try some quiet? Yeah, that’s it. Shut up and coach, and maybe your (insert conference name here) athletes will be able to win a home game against a (insert inferior conference name here) opponent next week.”

Who would deserve such a tongue-lashing? Lloyd Carr? Chuck Weis? How about Syracuse coach Greg Robinson- that team sure is painful to watch? All are deserving. But this was reserved for another…

Try first-year and first-time head coach (not counting high school) Tim Brewster at the University of Minnesota. That’s right, Minnesota. Minnesota Star Tribune columnist Patrick Reusse delivered the above verbal bombs following Minnesota’s season opening loss to Bowling Green, 32-31 in overtime.

Never mind that the state of Minnesota and the boosters of U of M football ran former coach Glen Mason and his gleaming white teeth out of town despite raising a bad program from the ashes of suck to at least above average, if not exceptional mediocrity. In Mason’s nine years at Minnesota, he delivered the first eight-win season since 1967 and the first ten-win season since 1905. He also was the first Minnesota coach to deliver a winning season since Murray Warmath in the 60’s.

Minnesota football nation- check yourself. You’re MINNESOTA FOOTBALL. You’re good for boating and fishing. You’re not the cradle of college football.

Why don’t you take a deep breath and give your new coach more than two quarters before you declare the program finished. This is yet another thing wrong with college football- Tim Brewster barely stepped off the bus before he was ambushed by this half-wit. (For the record, I am for the firing of Charlie Weis though. Ha, ha, ha).

Golden Gophers- if you really want a Big Ten title, there’s only one way to bring it home- Craig T. Nelson and Dauber. You know- from the tv show “Coach”. I’m pretty sure they’re available. That would sell season tickets because people would at least know they’re in for some zany laughs.

Nice patience you got there Minnesota. You stink.

Here’s a video of some dude wearing a giant black tablecloth (aka Kansas’ coach Mark Mangino) delivering some…….errrrrr……uhhhhh……coaching. I’m pretty sure Raimond Pendleton isn’t going to be diving into the end zone again any time soon. For the record, Kansas won the game 52-7 over Central Michigan.

I love King’s Hawaiian rolls. They’re good with butter or for use with some killer pork barbecue. They’re rewarding loyal customers like me with an awesome contest. Too bad I’m not going to win.

The winner gets airfare and six days/seven nights of an oceanfront suite at the Hilton Waikoloa Village in Hawaii. And they get to take three guests with them. If you win- I’m one of your guests so replace all of the “You and three guests” sentences on the rules section with “You, Red and two guests”.

You’re welcome.

Every office needs one of these.

No bad language but lots and lots of beeps; you may want to keep the volume turned down.

You’re welcome.

As I’m sure you’ve read or seen by now, Michigan’s loss to Appalachian State tumbled them from # 5 in both polls all the way through the floor (out of the top 25 completely). Upon further review, still more things are glaring from what was likely the biggest upset in college sports, and maybe all of sports. The mysterious thigh injury sustained by Mike Hart which kept him sidelined for nearly two quarters seemed to heal itself pretty quickly. Statistically, Hart had a tremendous game gaining 188 yards on 23 carries for an 8.2 ypc average and three touchdowns. Still, seeing Mike Hart on the sideline, I wonder if it was more of an ego bruise/temper tantrum that kept him out of the lineup rather than a thigh bruise.

One wonders if this video link is responsible for delivering all that talent to an as-it-stands D-IAA powerhouse. I’m thinking not but you be the judge.

One also wonders if Dan Hawkins had been in the locker room at halftime for Michigan, the outcome may have been different. “Go play intermurals brotha!”

Both the AP and the Coaches’ polls continue to prove that they are a complete joke. The biggest victim this week is the California Bears. Cal beat a ranked SEC team (Tennessee) by two touchdowns at home yet only rose two spots in the coaches poll and three in the AP. Meanwhile, Louisville moved up three spots in the coaches’ poll and two in the AP for destroying I-AA Murray State who finished 1-10 last season. That makes a whole lot of sense.

Memo to Coach Kragthorpe- very classy that you waited until the score was 56-10 in the third quarter to pull starting QB Brian Brohm. Crap like this only reinforces garbage scheduling and running up the score. Thanks a lot Coach K. I would never wish injury on any player- but if Brohm gets injured running up the score this week against Middle Tennessee State, I’ll be the first to say “I told you so”.

Other injustices include Georgia Tech moving from unranked to #21 in both polls (by virtue of their beat down of Notre Dame) while Clemson debuted at #25 in the AP and still not ranked in the coaches’ poll after they dispatched previously #19 Florida State. Huh? Let me get this straight- Georgia Tech destroys a team that should be in I-AA while Clemson beats a ranked team, and yet GT is ranked higher? What? Let’s look at it another way- who wins between Florida State and Notre Dame? Florida State wins 9 out of 10 (please don’t make me watch that this season). Ah…forget it. Who really cares anyways.

And then there’s CNNSI’s Stewart Mandel that thinks that Ohio State should drop in the polls simply because of their association with Michigan (even though they don’t play until November and have owned them over the last six meetings). Apparently Mandel’s logic resonates with voters- Ohio State dropped one spot in both polls after beating Youngstown State 38-6.

One thing that is very clear when scanning the polls from week one to two is that margin of victory is what really matters. The message is loud and clear- beat the piss out of any pansy opponent you can get your hands on and survive your conference schedule.

You’re welcome.

Regardless of your political persuasion, if you lived through the 80’s, this is funny.

You’re welcome.

Former number one draft pick and Oakland-Raider-to-be Jamarcus Russell continues to hold out for additional truckloads of cash. He now holds the record for longest holdout, formerly held by Orlando Pace of St. Louis. Congratulations Jamarcus- you’re officially in the record books. The Raiders went 2-14 last season and the 2007 season kicks off this Sunday against Detroit. The Raiders will start the season with either Daunte Culpepper or Josh McCown behind center and Russell on the couch.

Jamarcus Russel- you sir are a greedy bastard.

What it’s supposed to buy you is a cute little sparring partner that you can trade jabs with for a couple of quarters and then when they’re not looking, deliver a quick kick to the balls. Instead, what $400,000 bought Michigan on Saturday was a piece of college football history and likely an acceleration to the conclusion of Lloyd Carr’s tenure at U of M.

Several things have become evident in the aftermath of Michigan’s 34-32 loss to App. State: first and most significantly, to the rhetoric of college football- coaches and journalists alike will have a battle cry for at least ten years to come when trying to describe/hype creampuff matchups. Heck, even Notre Dame can use it as motivation- instead of the “Play Like a Champion Today” sign, they could change it to “Play Like Appalachian State Today”. Still wouldn’t help them but would make for fascinating propaganda on the NBC broadcasts.

Second, and in Michigan’s defense (gulp) is that Appalachian State was the perfect storm- veteran team, back-to-back D-IAA champions, nation’s longest winning streak (14 games), etc., etc. Even still, the way in which Appalachian State came back to win the game after being behind and watching Michigan have two kicks blocked was stunning. More stunning than if a 16 seed were to beat a 1 seed during March Madness.

Third is that the Michigan defense has some serious issues to rectify. It appeared that Ron English had the magic potion last year, but with several key departures, and an apparent lack of motivation, the Michigan defense looked very ACC-like.

Fourth- Appalachian State’s mascot looks like the Davey Jones character from “Pirates of the Caribbean”. I don’t know if that’s the look they’re going for; if so- well done.

Fifth, and stating the obvious- Michigan is standing on the precipice. If Lloyd can pull this team together following that loss, it will be a tremendous feat of Stuart Smalley-ism. If not, be prepared to see Michael Hart crying at a press conference near you. I’m pretty sure the trio of Hart, Jake Long, and Chad Henne weren’t envisioning the inclusion of a loss to a I-AA opponent as part of their “telling their grandkids about coming back for the Senior season to win the National Championship”. Not that it’s medically possible for them all to have grandkids together. And if it were, that’s something I’d care not to see. But for the record, Henne would deliver the children…….late (ba dum bum).

Sixth- I thought it would be impossible to deliver more drama to the OSU-Michigan game than last year’s # 1 vs. # 2 instant classic. Consider it delivered. OSU just became Michigan’s Super Bowl, Stanley Cup, and World Series all in one. If Michigan can right the ship, they’ll look to the OSU game as a way to salvage the dream, regardless of what bowl they go to. If Michigan happens to take a few more losses along the way, the game will become a final battle cry for Lloyd a la 1987 Earle Bruce.

Finally- early season rankings in college football are a joke. Always have been. Always will be. Michigan was # 5 in both the AP and the Coaches’ poll. Two coaches even voted Michigan # 1 on their ballots. Oops. No teams should be ranked until the final week of September. Period. Enough already.

Of all the people putting on the Appalachian State foam fingers, none is waving theirs more vigorously than Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis. App State’s Cinderella story covered up what otherwise would have been the biggest story of the weekend- offensive “genius” Charlie Weis and the Golden Domers getting pasted by Georgia Tech 33-3. Tyrone Willingham has got to be smiling. The statistics are much uglier than the final score- total offense: GT- 381 yards, ND- 121 yards including -9 rushing. Georgia Tech blitzed early and often sacking Notre Dame “quarterbacks” nine times. From here, the schedule gets much worse for Notre Dame- at Penn State, at Michigan, home for Michigan State, at Purdue, at UCLA, and then home for Boston College and USC. 0-8 is a real possibility; 2-6 would be an extreme long shot. Either way, my magic eight ball is saying Notre Dame has several more ass-kickings in their future.

Other news and notes from the first weekend of college football- Oklahoma didn’t need the fear of an underdog to drop 79 points on visiting North Texas. We’re pretty sure Bob Stoops would put his foot to the neck of his own grandmother if she came within four touchdowns. Very classy Bobby.

Also joining the 70-point club was Louisville who put up 73 on Murray State (which I called (actually, I predicted 77)). Congratulations Louisville- you really showed those junior college kids who’s boss.

Can’t wait to see what happens next weekend.

You’re welcome.