You’ve heard of “Snakes on a Plane”? Here’s the low-budget version- “Lexus in a Pool”. High speed car chases are a pretty common occurrence in California. Almost as common as foreclosures and plastic surgery. Few end up like this though.

Note the “reporter on the scene” talking about how the area around the car was a dead end. Uhhhhh….you think so? It’s a freaking pool you idiot. Unless they’ve got an outboard motor on the back of the Lexus (not an option at the time of this posting), I’m pretty sure the pool’s a dead end.

You’re welcome.

This story has just about run its course but I’ve had a rough couple days so, it’s still news to me. Here’s the press conference that started it all (make sure and turn your volume up real high as to make it even angrier sounding):

Here’s Jenni Carlson’s article in the Oklahoman that started it all.

Here’s Jenni Carlson’s video response plus a glimpse into local Stillwater news (frightening).

Who’s right? Don’t care. Should college athletes be treated like professional athletes? Nope. Can Mike Gundy yell louder than Jenni Carlson? Sure can. If Gundy stands still during his tirade with his orange t-shirt and in front of the orange Cowboy wallpaper, will we be able to see him? Sort of. How did Coach Gundy not drop any f-bombs during the tirade? No idea.

If you’re a big fan of “How I Met Your Mother” on ABC, and you saw the season premiere Monday night, you’ll appreciate this:

www.slapcountdown.com

You’re welcome.

What we learned- not much.

*The dude who decides where the players sit on the bench at West Virginia has a sense of humor. Courtesy of Mark O., we present to you DT #92 Johnny Dingle, and DL #93 Scooter Berry. The dynamic duo of…….Dingleberry.

*The wheels are officially off the Louisville Cardinal bandwagon. Louisville’s wet paper bag defense finally caught up with them this Saturday with a 38-35 loss at home to a very bad Syracuse football team. The six point loss at Kentucky the previous week was bad enough but a loss to Syracuse is inexcusable. It wasn’t for a lack of trying on the offensive side of the ball- Brohm and company put up 628 yards in the loss. Ironically, Louisville Defensive Coordinator Mike Cassity is the primary holdover from the Bobby Petrino era. Maybe that was part of Petrino’s plans- subtly undermining current Head Coach Steve Kragthorpe just in case the whole “Atlanta Falcons thing” doesn’t work out. Imagine that.

*Wofford is better than Penn State. It’s the six degrees of Bacon logic that resonates with half-wits like Mark May. Wofford beat Appalachian State this weekend, 42-31. App State beat Michigan and of course, Michigan beat Penn State this weekend. By extension, Wofford is also better than Notre Dame, but we already knew that.

*Tyler Graunke for Heisman. In relief of an injured Colt Brennan, Hawaii backup QB Tyler Graunke went 22/36 for 285 yards in Hawaii’s 66-10 rout of DI-AA Charleston Southern. Sorry Colt Brennan fans, just like Texas Tech, it’s the system and not necessarily the player.

*The Florida Gator defense is young and vulnerable. On the road in Oxford, Mississippi, the Gators D gave up 24 points and 390 yards to a 1-3 team. Coming into the game, the Rebels were averaging 22 points per game and ~360 yards per game. Improving your average against the #3 team in the country is a problem for the #3 team in the country…

*Need to take your anger out on Chuck Weis? Maybe Lloyd Carr? Tom Coughlin got you all worked up? Head over to firethatguy.com and wear your sentiments.

Current standings according to the Harris Poll
1.) USC- Last seen…beating down Washington State 47-14. Next up is a trio of stat-padders: 1-2 Stanford, 1-3 Arizona, and of course 0-4 Notre Dame. Trojan fans should relax and get some surfing in before the game at Oregon on October 27.

2.) LSU- Last seen…running the sweetest fake punt I’ve seen in a long time while beating South Carolina. Of all the things that makes Spurrier grit his teeth, getting housed by a trick play, especially when the Head Coach on the other sideline is a moron, must get him worked up the most. Next up is a scrimmage with 1-2 Tulane before the showdown with the Gators in two weeks.

3.) Oklahoma- Last seen…drilling Tulsa 62-21 on Friday night. Still not sold entirely on the Oklahoma offense considering two of their lopsided wins have come against two teams in the bottom six in the country in total defense (Tulsa- #112, North Texas- #118) and a third against a I-AA opponent. Next up is a scrimmage with 2-2 Colorado before the meeting with Texas in two weeks.

4.) Florida- Last seen…holding on for a six-point win at Mississippi. Giving up 18 points in the 3rd quarter to a below average team isn’t going to get it done in the SEC. Next up is a 2-2 Auburn squad followed by a brutal road stretch of @ LSU, @ Kentucky and @ Georgia. I don’t see them getting through this stretched undefeated. Sorry Gators.

5.) West Virginia- Last seen…stealing 1-3 East Carolina’s lunch money by a score of 48-7. Think you know how good West Virginia is? How could you? West Virginia’s opponents have a combined record of 4-12. Those same opponents are all ranked in the bottom half statistically in both total defense and offense. Sorry Mountaineers, still waaaaaaay too early to declare WVU a Big East title and National Championship contender. Next up is a date this Friday at South Florida which will provide the first real test for Pat White & co.

6.) California- Last seen…nearly doubling up 1-3 Arizona at home. Cal’s been completely untested since their opening win at home against Tennessee. We’ll find out what they’re made of this week at Oregon.

7.) Ohio State- Last seen…victimizing 2-2 Northwestern 58-7. Ohio State could’ve put up 100 against Northwestern, but then again, we are talking about a team that lost to Duke, so…. Next up is a night scrimmage at Minnesota followed by a good test with another night game at Purdue. Ohio State has three night games this year, all on the road.

8.) Texas- Last seen…getting their groove back on against 0-4 Rice, 58-14. Next up is a trap game against 2-1 Kansas State before the showdown with Oklahoma. Texas best not be looking ahead to the Sooners, otherwise they’ll find themselves on the losing end to KSU.

9.) Wisconsin- Last seen…holding on for dear life against a 2-2 Iowa team, 17-13 at home. The last three games don’t paint a pretty picture- a 7 point win over a 2-2 UNLV, a 14 point win over I-AA Citadel, and the ugly win over Iowa. Next up is a date at home with 4-0 Michigan State. This isn’t the crazy man’s Spartan team so I’m picking the Spartans in the upset.

10.) Oregon- Last seen…beating 1-2 Stanford by 24 points. We’ll find out if the Ducks are for real at home this week against #6 California. If the Ducks can pull of the win, they deserve to be vaulted up to at least #5 or #6.

You’re welcome.

1.) Can South Carolina pull off the upset at #2 LSU? Psyche- I already know the answer to that one- it’s no. Not in Death Valley. However, we are going to get a good read on where the LSU offense is against a stingy SC defense (statistically eight teams better in total defense than Virginia Tech). If South Carolina can force a couple turnovers and get some breaks on offense, the game could be close. Otherwise, the Trojans are probably going to lose a few more first place votes.

2.) Everyone back on the Louisville bandwagon after they obliterate a horrible Syracuse team Saturday! Ok, fine, so that isn’t a question. Whatever.

3.) How many more #1 votes will Florida receive after they beat down a pathetic 1-2 Mississippi team? I’m setting the over/under at 6 votes.

4.) Is Penn State a legitimate contendor for the Big Ten Championship and possibly the National Championship? Time to prove it. We’ll find out the answer depending on which Michigan team shows up. The battle to watch is the Penn State receivers against the Michigan secondary. I don’t believe the Nits have a strong enough running game to go one-dimensional on a defense with a pulse (up for debate). Obviously the Michigan QB position will also go a long way in determing the outcome. Unfortunately for Penn State, it’s a bit of trap game- they won’t get much credit for winning, unless they do it big (since it’s on the road) and if they lose, they’re going to get buried and the Big Ten will drop somewhere between the WAC and Conference USA in the respect category.

5.) What’s going to happen when Michigan State travels to Notre Dame? This time last year on this Bat Channel, and in East Lansing, Spartie gave up 26 points in the final two quarters of the game providing one of the most spectactular implosions in the John L. Smith era and ultimately the end of his tenure. We’ll find out if Mark Dantonio can continue to steer the Spartans toward sanity and whether or not the Irish can take advantage of possibly their last opportunity for a win before Navy comes to town on November 3. By the way, why in the world would the powers that be not schedule this game at night after last year’s instant classic? Sing it with me- Lost opp-or-tun-i-ty.

6.) Can the Texas Longhorns finally break out of their “funk of mediocrity” and beat a team at home (Rice) who they’ve beaten by an average of 43 points over the last two years? Don’t really care; let’s talk two weeks when Oklahoma comes to town. Until then, they don’t belong in the Top Ten.

7.) Will USC start resting some of their players this week against a 2-1 Washington State team in preparation for Oregon in five weeks? Snoop Dogg says yes.

8.) Will I be impressed when Colt Brennan and Hawaii beat a second D-IAA team like a pahu (Hawaiin for drum, I looked it up)? Nope. Nice scheduling Hawaii. Come to the mainland and play some real teams. Then we can talk Heisman and BCS.

9.) The Georgia Bulldogs aren’t and haven’t been relevant to the national picture for a long time. Can Bear Saban and ‘Bama at home put them out of the top 25? Please?

10.) North Texas has given up 124 points and 1,200 yards in just two games this season. At what point in a young Texans’ mind does he say, “in addition to a moderate class load and plenty ‘o tail chasin’, I’d prefer to get beaten soundly every Saturday”?

As a bonus to my loyal readers, here’s the bottom five defense in offenses in the country heading into Saturday (being #1 on this list is bad):

Worst Statistical Defenses (total yards given up per game)
1. North Texas - 601 yards
2. San Diego State- 566 yards
3. SMU - 561 yards
4. Minnesota- 556 yards
5. Western Michigan - 534 yards

Worst Statistical Offenses (total yards gained per game)
1. Notre Dame - 115 yards
2. Florida International - 180 yards
3. San Jose State - 190 yards
4. Syracuse - 199 yards
5. Utah State- 222 yards

You’re welcome.

No introduction does this video justice- just watch. Safe for workplace.

It appears this guy is some dude named Jake Byrd- this is freaking hilarious. He even gets behind wunderkind Bill Hemmer. “Thank you Joe Pesci”. Freaking hilarious. Ten bucks says if this press conference took place at the University of Florida, this dude would have been tasered.

On this fine Thursday night, Red Renee asks the following question: “What the $%& is going on with Notre Dame?”

Rather than just poke fun at the obvious, like the fact that their offense is statistically ranked last in D-I and their defense is only a little better, or that over three games, they’ve averaged -4.7 yards rushing, instead I’m going to choose to be more constructive. I’m going to focus on what I believe to be a root cause of some of the problems Notre Dame is having- talent. That’s right- talent.

If you look across the country at most of the successful programs in the country, Freshmen and Sophomores are making solid contributions early and often. One of the rubs on Tyrone Willingham was that he wasn’t bringing in highly ranked recruiting classes. Not so with Chuck Weis, having the #8 recruiting classes each of the last two years according to Rivals.com.

If the cupboard was so bare when Chuck took over, you’d expect to see the two-deep today littered with young players that would be able to quickly come in and make an impact. In fact, that was probably one of the biggest selling points Weis made to the recruits when they came to visit: “Come play for us and you’ll be starting on NBC in no time”.

Take a look at the starting lineup and it’s a very, very different story. Of the 22 starters for Notre Dame, only 4 come from those heralded recruiting classes- OL Sam Young, CB Darrin Walls, OL Daniel Wenger, and of course QB Jimmie Clausen.

If you expand out to the two-deep, it’s not much better. Of the 44 in the two deep, only 7 more players from those two classes show up- OL Matt Romine, DE Kerry Neal, RB James Aldridge, DB Raeshon McNeil, OL Matt Karufel, OL Eric Olsen, WR D.J. Hord. Out of all of those players, here’s the production they’re delivering- Darrin Walls- one interception, James Aldridge- 17 carries for 67 yards, D.J. Hord- 1 catch, 5 yards. That’s it. 1 interception and 72 yards. Absolutely disgraceful.

That’s a total of 11 players out of 44 from some of the best high school players in the country. Putting it another way, 25% of the two-deep is made up of elite recruits from the last two years, and the other 75% is made up of something else. Still another way- there are fourteen 4-star players riding the bench at 3rd string or lower making no contribution, or transferring in the case of 4-star Quarterback and Rivals Top 100 #54 Demetrius Jones. Aside from Jones, there are five players riding the bench that were Rivals Top 100 players coming out of high school- WR Duval Kamara (Rivals #34), RB Armando Allen (Rivals #52), TE Konrad Keuland (Rivals #81), TE Mike Ragone (Rivals #83), and DB Gary Gray (Rivals #78).

At most schools with depth at various positions, it’s often said that 2nd string running back Billy Bob JoJo would “start anywhere else”. Well, we’ve seen the starters at Notre Dame and they’re terrible, so why aren’t the aforementioned highly rated recruits contributing? Again I ask, What the $%& is going on with Notre Dame? I’m afraid for Notre Dame fans, the answer isn’t quite that simple. The answer I believe is two-fold: player assessment and player development.

First, assessment: For Weis to field that pathetic excuse for a football team after spring camp and after fall camp has to mean that he and the coaching staff simply can’t assess the talent they have and put them in the right places to succeed (dare I say the “S” word- scheme). USC, LSU, Florida, Texas, Penn State etc. have all translated top ten recruiting classes into on-the-field results. Weis’ comments this week that they’re going back to camp to re-assess is completely asinine. Why does it take a lopsided 0-3 record to get him to this revelation? What the hell is going on at practice in South Bend?

Second, development. One could also argue that Weis and the rest of the coaching staff simply aren’t developing that talent, and that’s why the players are not cracking the two-deep. This one’s a little more complicated since you’d need to be at practice to know for sure. But the statistics provide some indication that there may be a teaching problem on top of everything else.

Either way, I’m convinced there are some serious problems under the surface that better get fixed before Weis gets Willinghamed. And sorry Notre Dame fans, this isn’t something Chuck can just wave his magic wand at, this is going to take some time and probably deliver one of the worst seasons for any major program in a long, long time.

You’re welcome.

I’m sure by now you’ve heard about the Florida student that was tasered at a Town Hall Monday hosted by Senator John Kerry. A lot of people are claiming violation of free speech but I submit to you the following:

1.) The student (Andrew Meyer), based on how he questioned Senator Kerry, was bound to be tasered at some point in his life. At least he got it over with now. In fact, one has to wonder if Meyer has been tasered before, based on his comment to one of the cops- “Don’t tase me bro!”. That’s my new favorite tag line. I might put it at the end of all my e-mails.
2.) The campus cops that grabbed, subdued, and tasered Meyer look to be standard issue campus police- not exactly a.) constitutional scholars nor b.) used to dealing with morons to the level of Mr. Meyer. BTW- where was the secret service detail during all of this?
3.) It appears during the video that John Kerry continues to speak to the crowd, even while Mr. Meyer is cursing and ultimately being tasered at the back of the auditorium. Talk about un-flappability. Either that, or Kerry is used to people being tasered during his speeches.

This thing is almost too bizarre to be real. Watch it for yourself.

University of Florida President J. Bernard Machen also issued a statement shortly thereafter:

You’re welcome.

This guy’s a cross between Elvis, Ace Ventura, Jason Priestly (circa 90210), David Puddy (Patrick Warburton), and Little Richard. Most entertaining is watching some of the Starbucks’ employees and their a.) responses, and b.) their general appearance. The guy calling 911 is classic too- what’s he going to say on the phone- uhhh…”there’s a psychopath in a blue polyester suit entertaining our customers, please help….”

Special thanks to Mark O. for this find.

Enjoy.

My golf game is bad. Angry John Daly bad. I pretty consistently shoot in the low 100’s and also consistently strike fear into foursomes one hole ahead and one hole behind the one I’m playing. I got to thinking about how some slight improvements in my game (namely no three-putts and less cursing) could make a big difference in my handicap so I decided to apply some Washington-style fuzzy math to see how close I am to “making the tour”.

The first and most obvious place to start is equipment. My clubs are a patchwork of hand-me-down irons, a free putter I got at a golf outing, and a driver with a club face the size of a small moon. The pro’s get custom-fitted clubs based on exacting specifications that are constantly fine-tuned by the manufacturers. I reckon if I got me a set of those I’d shave at least ten strokes off my game. Off to a good start.

The pro’s also get caddies. At the golf courses I play, I’m lucky to get a little hastlin’ from the ranger, let alone someone to carry my bags, clean the scorched earth off my irons (and woods), and deliver shot-saving tips and yardage quotes. Caddie’s also replace divots and rake the sand- I burn about 150 calories per round doing that. I figure a professional caddie has got to be worth at least one stroke every three holes- that’s six more strokes skimmed right off the top.

The next advantage PGA players get is practice rounds. I figure that if I had a chance to get out to my local course the day before I show up for an “event”, I’d take at least three strokes off my competition score. After all, familiarity of the course and knowing where to find stray balls has got to be worth something. Going good so far; I’m already down eighteen strokes which would take my 102 down to a respectable 83. Not done yet though.

The biggest advantage professional players have is spectators. One could argue that large throngs of spectators add to the stress of making shots. I’d argue that you’ve got to work through that stress- either close your eyes before you swing or start drinking. From my vantage point, spectators deliver two benefits to the pro- first they trample down all that heavy stuff (where most of my tee shots go) so maneuvering around the fairways becomes easier. Let’s call that a four stroke advantage. Also, I take three or four penalty strokes per round for balls that go astray never to be found again. That wouldn’t happen with thousands of spectators. There’s four more shots which takes me down to a 75. I’ve never even sniffed 80 before; who knew it would be this easy.

Another category is what I’ll call secondary equipment- $40 monogrammed golf balls, fancy gloves and shoes, ultra tight trousers (must be worth something, otherwise why are all the Euro’s wearing them), unbroken tees, etc. It all adds up to at least four strokes. That takes me below par to 71. Man I’m good.

There are also some secondary benefits to being a professional player- access to the club house, professional driver to take you to and from the course, free food, professional instructor on call, etc. That’s all worth two to three strokes. Let’s call it two to be conservative.

Pro’s also get fat endorsements. Everything from the logos on their shirts and hats to commercials and magazine ads, all to the tune of hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars. Having that kind of peace of mind would bring a degree of stress-free serenity to my game that would be good for at least three strokes. Seriously- am I really going to worry about that 30-yard wedge shot if Izod is paying me $500,000 to make sure I get my tight Izod trousers in the camera shot? I think not. That takes me all the way down to a 65.

The final advantage the pros have is talent. Now I don’t happen to have any of that (golf talent at least) but that doesn’t seem to be a problem- at 65 I’d be on or near the leader board of nearly every event.

You’re welcome.