My golf game is bad. Angry John Daly bad. I pretty consistently shoot in the low 100’s and also consistently strike fear into foursomes one hole ahead and one hole behind the one I’m playing. I got to thinking about how some slight improvements in my game (namely no three-putts and less cursing) could make a big difference in my handicap so I decided to apply some Washington-style fuzzy math to see how close I am to “making the tour”.

The first and most obvious place to start is equipment. My clubs are a patchwork of hand-me-down irons, a free putter I got at a golf outing, and a driver with a club face the size of a small moon. The pro’s get custom-fitted clubs based on exacting specifications that are constantly fine-tuned by the manufacturers. I reckon if I got me a set of those I’d shave at least ten strokes off my game. Off to a good start.

The pro’s also get caddies. At the golf courses I play, I’m lucky to get a little hastlin’ from the ranger, let alone someone to carry my bags, clean the scorched earth off my irons (and woods), and deliver shot-saving tips and yardage quotes. Caddie’s also replace divots and rake the sand- I burn about 150 calories per round doing that. I figure a professional caddie has got to be worth at least one stroke every three holes- that’s six more strokes skimmed right off the top.

The next advantage PGA players get is practice rounds. I figure that if I had a chance to get out to my local course the day before I show up for an “event”, I’d take at least three strokes off my competition score. After all, familiarity of the course and knowing where to find stray balls has got to be worth something. Going good so far; I’m already down eighteen strokes which would take my 102 down to a respectable 83. Not done yet though.

The biggest advantage professional players have is spectators. One could argue that large throngs of spectators add to the stress of making shots. I’d argue that you’ve got to work through that stress- either close your eyes before you swing or start drinking. From my vantage point, spectators deliver two benefits to the pro- first they trample down all that heavy stuff (where most of my tee shots go) so maneuvering around the fairways becomes easier. Let’s call that a four stroke advantage. Also, I take three or four penalty strokes per round for balls that go astray never to be found again. That wouldn’t happen with thousands of spectators. There’s four more shots which takes me down to a 75. I’ve never even sniffed 80 before; who knew it would be this easy.

Another category is what I’ll call secondary equipment- $40 monogrammed golf balls, fancy gloves and shoes, ultra tight trousers (must be worth something, otherwise why are all the Euro’s wearing them), unbroken tees, etc. It all adds up to at least four strokes. That takes me below par to 71. Man I’m good.

There are also some secondary benefits to being a professional player- access to the club house, professional driver to take you to and from the course, free food, professional instructor on call, etc. That’s all worth two to three strokes. Let’s call it two to be conservative.

Pro’s also get fat endorsements. Everything from the logos on their shirts and hats to commercials and magazine ads, all to the tune of hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars. Having that kind of peace of mind would bring a degree of stress-free serenity to my game that would be good for at least three strokes. Seriously- am I really going to worry about that 30-yard wedge shot if Izod is paying me $500,000 to make sure I get my tight Izod trousers in the camera shot? I think not. That takes me all the way down to a 65.

The final advantage the pros have is talent. Now I don’t happen to have any of that (golf talent at least) but that doesn’t seem to be a problem- at 65 I’d be on or near the leader board of nearly every event.

You’re welcome.

1.) USC- They’re number 1, and they should be. The Trojans defense might be as good or better than LSU’s and their offense is waaaaay better. I don’t think we should get too carried away about a Nebraska blowout- upon further review, what had Nebraska really done? A blowout of Nevada and a 3-point win over Wake Forest hardly warrants the kind of respect they were getting. Nonetheless, for USC to go into Lincoln and destroy them the way they did is impressive. Look for USC to cruise early and often until their late October showdown at Oregon.

2.) LSU- Beatdown of Middle Tennessee State? You betcha. The Tigers have got a decent opponent coming in this week in the form of South Carolina, then at Tulane, and then Florida at home. I know LSU has averaged 46 points a game but I’m still not sold on their offense. Florida should provide a lot stiffer test.

3.) Florida- Both polls moved the Gators from five to three based on their 39 point win over Tennessee. It’s hard not to be impressed with the win but keep in mind that a.) the game was at the swamp and b.) the Volunteers hadn’t done anything to deserve respect (see “Nebraska”)- a 14-point loss to Cal and a 20-point win over Southern Miss. Florida’s offense is very strong but Gator fans have to be a little concerned that Tim Tebow has been the leading rusher in the last two games. Good to have that productivity but there’s two sides to that productivity if he gets injured. The defense has shut down the run but has given up an average of 272 yards per game through the air against Troy and Tennessee. That could spell trouble against LSU or Kentucky or both.

4.) Oklahoma- Oklahoma moved down one spot in the AP and up one spot in the Coaches poll to a consensus #4, despite or because of a 54-3 pasting of Utah State. Unfortunately for the Sooners, their schedule has and is going to hurt them if the season ends up with multiple undefeated teams. Winning by an average of 61-9 is a tremendous show of force except that it has come against significantly inferior opponents. And it doesn’t look like the Big 12 is going to bring any help either. Only two ranked opponents on their schedule- the BCS computers aren’t going to like that. Neither should Sooner season ticket holders.

5.) West Virginia- A 31-14 win over an average Maryland team was enough to convince voters to drop WVU one spot in both polls. Next on the schedule is 1-2 East Carolina and then a night game at 2-0 South Florida. If the Mountaineers pass that test (pick ‘em at this point), they’ve got an 0-3 Syracuse and a 2-1 Mississippi State before traveling to Rutgers. Between Rutgers and South Florida, I think WVU is going to drop one; not sure which one yet.

6/7.) Texas- Texas dropped a spot in the AP poll (#7) but remained at #6 in the coaches poll. Are you kidding me? Is anyone actually watching them play? An 8-point win over Arkansas State? A 21-point win at home over TCU? A 3-point win on the road at Central Florida? This team should barely be sniffing the top 10, let alone at 6/7. Longhorn fans need to be very concerned. Colt McCoy has thrown five interceptions in three games and the UT defense has given up an average of 19 points per game. Again- what games are the pollsters watching? Are they even aware that Vince Young plays in the NFL now? Unfortunately, Texas has Rice and Kansas State over the next two weeks until Oklahoma puts them out of their misery. I just hope the pollsters have the balls to drop them twenty spots after the Sooners drop 56 points on them.

6/8.) California- Cal remains at 8 in the Coaches’ Poll but rose two spots to 6 in the AP Poll, I guess on the basis of a 30-point win over 1-2 Louisiana Tech at home. Hmmmm……okay. Cal also has an opening 14-point win at home over Tennessee (which looks much less impressive after what Florida did to Fulmer’s crew) and a 6-point win on the road at 0-2 Colorado State. Sorry Bear fans, I just don’t see it yet. How the media saw fit to move them up two spots is beyond me.

7/9.) Wisconsin- The Badgers dropped two spots in the AP poll (to 9) but remained at 7 in the Coaches’ poll, despite another squeaker over a completely inferior team. A 7-point win over UNLV and a 14-point win over I-AA Citadel doesn’t describe a top ten team. Memo to Badger fans- where the hell is the defense we’re all supposed to fear? An average of 22 points given up against pansies is pathetic. Michigan State in a couple weeks and @ Penn State a couple weeks later should end the dream for this team. Sorry Badgers.

8/9.) Ohio State- Memo to the Buckeyes- modern college football is played in two halves. In consecutive games, Ohio State has led 3-2 at the half and been behind 7-3 at the half this week. That constitutes a trend and that’s a problem. A win on the road against an improving Washington team is good news but too many turnovers (or almost turnovers) and not enough consistency are reasons for major concern. At Purdue in three weeks (night game, gold-out (or whatever)) should provide a good test.

10.) Penn State- The Nits are a consensus #10 in both polls but are up two spots from 12 in both polls as a result of their 21-point win over Buffalo (not the Bills). Three games in and only one interception by Morelli (hold your breath PSU fans). The fighting JoePa’s go on the road to play Michigan this week. I haven’t the slightest idea what’s going to happen in that game. If I had to guess, I’d say Michigan is going to get cocky after their scrimmage win this weekend and Penn State will roll.

Other News and Notes:
*Kentucky is getting screwed. Kentucky is 3-0 and just beat Louisville yet Louisville is ranked ahead of them; Louisville is 18/19 and Kentucky is 21/23. What? On what planet does logic make that make sense. Just another reason to hate college football and #$@#$@ #$#$#!@ polls.

*Louisville is in serious trouble in the Big East. Coach Kragthorpe may want to throw Harry Douglas and Mario Urrutia at Linebacker or Cornerback ’cause that defense sucks. 40 points to Kentucky and 42 points to Middle Tennessee State spells trouble with a couple extra L’s. Love the pizza though (Papa John’s stadium).

*Why the hell is Georgia still in the top 25? They’re 2-1 with a loss to South Carolina and wins over 1-2 Oklahoma State and 0-3 and I-AA Western Carolina. Georgia Tech, Purdue, and Michigan State are all unranked and are all better than Georgia.

*UCLA is out of the top 25 but still shows up in the “others receiving votes” category. Are you kidding me? Whoever is giving them votes needs to be drug-tested. A win over 1-1 Stanford, a 10-point win over 1-2 BYU and a 38-point loss to 1-2 Utah. Their surfing privileges should be revoked for at least 24 hours.

*Notre Dame. Ohhhh, Notre Dame. 0-3 record. Five losses in a row dating back to last year. No offensive touchdowns. 1 QB transfer. An average of 34 points per game given up. And it’s still going to get worse- Michigan State this week, then at Purdue, at UCLA, home for Boston College, then home for USC. Pete Carroll should be kind and send Snoop Dogg’s pop Warner team to South Bend instead of the Trojans. Memo to Chuck W.- you may want to videotape the other teams defensive playcalls. Didn’t you learn anything from Belichick?

*The “All-Class” award this week goes to Rutgers Coach Greg Schiano. Just before halftime against I-AA Norfolk State, and with a 45-0 lead, Greg Schiano felt it necessary to call three consecutive timeouts after three consecutive Norfolk running plays as Norfolk was trying to run out the clock and get into the locker room. Norfolk State had managed a total of 59 yards of offense so it’s understandable why Schiano didn’t feel comfortable with only a 45-point lead. No, not really. That’s a disgusting lack of sportsmanship Greg. Get some class, or else your feel-good story will disappear faster than a wide receiver going deep against Notre Dame.

You’re welcome.