Why I Should be Playing on the PGA Tour

My golf game is bad. Angry John Daly bad. I pretty consistently shoot in the low 100’s and also consistently strike fear into foursomes one hole ahead and one hole behind the one I’m playing. I got to thinking about how some slight improvements in my game (namely no three-putts and less cursing) could make a big difference in my handicap so I decided to apply some Washington-style fuzzy math to see how close I am to “making the tour”.

The first and most obvious place to start is equipment. My clubs are a patchwork of hand-me-down irons, a free putter I got at a golf outing, and a driver with a club face the size of a small moon. The pro’s get custom-fitted clubs based on exacting specifications that are constantly fine-tuned by the manufacturers. I reckon if I got me a set of those I’d shave at least ten strokes off my game. Off to a good start.

The pro’s also get caddies. At the golf courses I play, I’m lucky to get a little hastlin’ from the ranger, let alone someone to carry my bags, clean the scorched earth off my irons (and woods), and deliver shot-saving tips and yardage quotes. Caddie’s also replace divots and rake the sand- I burn about 150 calories per round doing that. I figure a professional caddie has got to be worth at least one stroke every three holes- that’s six more strokes skimmed right off the top.

The next advantage PGA players get is practice rounds. I figure that if I had a chance to get out to my local course the day before I show up for an “event”, I’d take at least three strokes off my competition score. After all, familiarity of the course and knowing where to find stray balls has got to be worth something. Going good so far; I’m already down eighteen strokes which would take my 102 down to a respectable 83. Not done yet though.

The biggest advantage professional players have is spectators. One could argue that large throngs of spectators add to the stress of making shots. I’d argue that you’ve got to work through that stress- either close your eyes before you swing or start drinking. From my vantage point, spectators deliver two benefits to the pro- first they trample down all that heavy stuff (where most of my tee shots go) so maneuvering around the fairways becomes easier. Let’s call that a four stroke advantage. Also, I take three or four penalty strokes per round for balls that go astray never to be found again. That wouldn’t happen with thousands of spectators. There’s four more shots which takes me down to a 75. I’ve never even sniffed 80 before; who knew it would be this easy.

Another category is what I’ll call secondary equipment- $40 monogrammed golf balls, fancy gloves and shoes, ultra tight trousers (must be worth something, otherwise why are all the Euro’s wearing them), unbroken tees, etc. It all adds up to at least four strokes. That takes me below par to 71. Man I’m good.

There are also some secondary benefits to being a professional player- access to the club house, professional driver to take you to and from the course, free food, professional instructor on call, etc. That’s all worth two to three strokes. Let’s call it two to be conservative.

Pro’s also get fat endorsements. Everything from the logos on their shirts and hats to commercials and magazine ads, all to the tune of hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars. Having that kind of peace of mind would bring a degree of stress-free serenity to my game that would be good for at least three strokes. Seriously- am I really going to worry about that 30-yard wedge shot if Izod is paying me $500,000 to make sure I get my tight Izod trousers in the camera shot? I think not. That takes me all the way down to a 65.

The final advantage the pros have is talent. Now I don’t happen to have any of that (golf talent at least) but that doesn’t seem to be a problem- at 65 I’d be on or near the leader board of nearly every event.

You’re welcome.