The Personal Shopper

Doing some holiday shopping for the kids this weekend? Maybe going out at 5am Friday after Thanksgiving? You might want to scratch the toys below off your list. The W.A.T.C.H (World Against Toys Causing Harm) group has released their annual “10 worst toys list”, and several of them are just too good not to mention (and for our attorney’s sake, we strongly recommend you not purchase any of these):

1.) Go, Diego Go Animal Rescue Boat by Fisher Price- The toys have been recalled because “surface paints on the toys contain excessive levels of lead”. The toys should be off the shelves at your local toy store but beware of “good deals” on this baby when you’re cruising e-bay or Craig’s List.

2.) Sticky Stones by Geocentral- This toy, which is marketed as “powerful magnetic iron ore” has the potential to cause severe internal injuries if swallowed. Why would your child swallow a bunch of magnetic rocks? Never mind that. If more than one magnet is swallowed, they can attach inside the body, potentially causing intestinal perforation, infection, or blockage which can become fatal. I think as long as the phrase “potential intestinal perforation” makes it onto the packaging, you’ll probably have enough sense to avoid this.

3.) Jack Sparrow’s Spinning Dagger by Zizzle- No, I’m not making that up. How in the world could a hard plastic spinning dagger potentially be hazardous? Gosh- I just have no idea. The W.A.T.C.H website warns about “the potential for eye or other serious impact injuries”. How else are your kids going to become pirates (you know- eye patch)?

4.) Dora the Explorer Lamp by Funhouse- Who doesn’t like Dora the Explorer? She’s spunky, bi-lingual, and has a kick-ass monkey for a sidekick. The warnings on this lamp should raise a few suspicions…”This is an electric lamp, not a toy! To avoid risk of fire, burns, personal injury, and electric shock, it should not be played with or placed where small children can reach it.” Additionally, the packaging warns to “unplug the product when leaving the house, when retiring for the night, or if left unattended.” I guess Dora’s a kleptomaniac- I guess I missed that episode.

5.) Lil’ “Giddy Up” Horse - Sassy Pet Saks by Douglas- These are soft plush horses that come with their own lil’ carrying purse. Apparently, the purse has a “…small, wooden bead as well as long, fiber-like hair that is not adequately rooted and is easily removable.” The toy is marketed to infants and toddlers which makes the construction a choking hazard.

6.) Spider Man 3 New Goblin Sword by Hasbro- This little beauty is marketed by Hasbro as “one of the most awesome weapons ever wielded by human hands!” George Bush might fall for that but I know you’re too smart for it. The rigid, plastic spring-action blade swiftly extends at the push of a button to a length of “over 3 feet long!”. W.A.T.C.H. warns of “the potential to cause serious facial and other impact injuries”. Geesh, I wonder why?

7.) Hip Hoppa by Spin Master, Ltd. and Vivid Imaginations, Ltd.- This is basically a pogo stick with a dodge ball attached on the bottom of it. The instructions caution that “improper dismount will result in loss of balance and possible injury”. You can pretty much put this warning on any toy that can be stood on, ridden, or bounced on. Not sure what makes this one any different, other than the dope name.

8.) B’Loonies Party Pack by Ja-Ru Inc.- Stay with me close on this one- young children (ages 6+) are encouraged to squeeze out a ball of plastic from one of the B’Loonies squeeze tubes. The children are then supposed to “stick it on the end of the blowpipe” presumably to make “B’Loonies”. The “gooey concoction” contains (among other things) poly vinyl acetate, ethyl acetate, and “plastic fortifiers” whatever those are. The manufacturer also warns that the mixture is flammable and “do not use near fire or flames”. Let me stop there. First of all, unless you’re training your children to work in a plastic factory, this toy is probably not for you. Second, if you’re letting your children play with any toys around “fire or flames”, you need to be listed on this top ten.

9.) My Little Baby Born by Entertainment, Inc. and Zapf Creations AG- This cute little baby doll comes with a tiny plastic pacifier which fails the toy industry’s small parts “choke tube” test.

10.) Rubber Band Shooter by Simple Toys LLC- say it with me…”you’ll shoot your eye out”. The language on the packaging reads “For target practice only, do not aim at people.” They should have finished that sentence with “until you get good enough from practicing”. Kids sure are spoiled these days. When I was a kid, we had a rubber band shooter- it was called “the index finger”. It didn’t come with any fancy warnings, but it also didn’t cost $6.50.

You’re welcome.