The next in a line of above average Ad spots, FedEx’s office spoofs, the latest for this year’s Super Bowl. Enjoy:

And here’s the original:

Here’s one reality show they’ve thankfully never put on tv. Regardless of where you’re laying your bets, in Car -v- Train, train always wins. Always.

We’re pleased as punch to announce that we’ll be liveblogging during the Super Bowl. That means not only will we tell you what you’re watching while you’re watching it, we’ll also be breaking down the commercials in real-time. Typical suckers would pay $19.95 or more for that kind of mind-numbing entertainment, but we’re bringing it to you absolutely free.

So hook your laptop up to your second plasma tv and keep us going live alongside the Fox broadcast. We’ll be up live sometime around 6pm Eastern on Sunday so check us out.

Somebody Broke into Charlton Heston’s Car…
Dateline: Dallas, Texas
8:13 a.m. Nov. 13: A burglar took firearms valued at $9,917 from a vehicle…

Only in Texas can someone carry around $10,000 worth of guns in their car, have them stolen, and not think twice about admitting to the police that they’re driving around with a small arsenal…

Not Getting the Message
Dateline: Appleton, Wisconsin
Harassment- An employee of a business in the 100 block of E. Washington Street called police after receiving a letter at work that said she “talks too much and should shut her mouth.”…

The author of that letter was obviously right and the recipient of the letter clearly didn’t take the advice.

Translation Please
Dateline: Kalispell, Montana
7:27 p.m. A Kalispell man called in to complain that his brother drove onto his property and spun cookies all over it…

If anyone is from Montana or has been to Montana, we need a translation. I’ve heard of people spinning out and doing “doughnuts” and I’ve also heard of people “tossing their cookies” but never “spinning cookies”. Your help is much appreciated.

The Loch Ness Monster too…
Dateline: Brooklyn, New York
STOLEN VEHICLE: An $8,000 1994 multi-colored two-door Honda Civic was stolen on Thursday, Nov. 9, around 5:30 a.m. on the 400 block of 10th Street. There was no broken glass at the scene. The police canvassed the area with negative results…

$8,000?? For a ‘94 multi-color two-door Civic? Even if that thing was in excellent condition and had $5,000 worth of rims and stereo equipment, it still wouldn’t be worth $8,000. And I love that the police “canvassed the area with negative results”. You think? Maybe they should have been searching for a leprechaun and bigfoot too.

This’ll Teach You to Keep Your Garage Door Closed
Dateline: Tracy, California
4:22 p.m. A person on the 1700 block of Duncan Drive called police reporting that four men walked into a neighbor’s garage and started taking tools. The neighbor caught one of the men who was detained until police arrived where he was arrested on suspicion of burglary and being drunk and disorderly.

At 4:22 on a Saturday, one has to wonder about the sequence of events leading up to four (allegedly) drunken men marching into a neighbor’s garage and walking away with tools. Perhaps a tool-lending incident gone bad? Or a Cal football game gone bad? The possibilities are endless.

Who’s the Criminal?
Dateline: Greenville, South Carolina
See if you can follow the details on this one. The “victim” (we’ll call him Kevin) was sitting in his truck in his driveway, surely minding his own business (and allegedly not paying his bills either). Somehow, without the Kevin knowing, the Repo man and a used car salesman pulled up in a tow truck and hitched the Kevin’s vehicle to the tow truck. The “victim”, excuse me, Kevin, allegedly was afraid so he put the truck into four-wheel drive and drove off.

It gets better.

Kevin headed out on Asheville Highway while the “perps” pursued. Repo man and used car dealer bumped Kevin from behind and forced him off the road into a parking lot where they proceeded to push the victim around and shout that they were law enforcement officer. A witness saw what was going on and called 911. The repo man and the used car dealer were both arrested for impersonating a police officer and the “victim” no doubt continued on his non-bill-paying ways.

You’re welcome.

We don’t have any idea how Bobby D kept a straight face during this, but we’re sure glad he did. This video is probably not SFW.

Enjoy before NBC takes the Youtube link down.

Courtesy of Letterman, the Top Ten Barack Obama Campaign Promises (as was presented by Senator Barack Obama)

10. “To keep the budget balanced, I’ll rent the Situation Room for sweet sixteens”
9. “I will double your tax money at the craps table”
8. “Appoint Mitt Romney Secretary of Lookin’ Good”
7. “If you bring a gator to the White House, I’ll wrassle it”
6. “I’ll put Regis on the nickel”
5. “I’ll rename the tenth month of the year ‘Barack-tober’”
4. “I won’t let Apple release the new and improved iPod the day after you bought the previous model”
3. “I’ll find money in the budget to buy Letterman a decent hairpiece”
2. “Pronounce the word nuclear, nuclear”
1. “Three words: Vice President Oprah”

You’re welcome.

We previously posted a handy website to help you decide who to vote for come November. Well in case you still haven’t made up your mind, here’s another. It’s brought to you by the fine people at USA Today so you may feel a little manipulated as you complete the survey, as we did. Still, the answers that we were given were fairly accurate, and we deem it to be a moderately useful tool (just like the Red Renee staff- moderately useful tools).

You’re welcome.

Fun with teleconferences. Come on, some of you have definitely had this happen before, right?

Mark finished up his stay at Chez Ikea in Paramus, NJ and all the videos are up on his website. Our favorite is this one where Mark allegedly punks Lisa Loeb into putting on a concert for his wife inside the Ikea.

Enjoy.

For all our loyal readers that are also NY Giant fans, here’s proof that you are in fact a team of destiny. From one of our favorite movies “Coming to America”, here’s Eddie Murphy twenty years ago foreshadowing your victory over the Packers:

And here’s a bonus clip (SFW):

It’s never too early to look ahead to the next college football season, so with that in mind, we’re going to bring you reams of analysis on what to expect. In this installment we’re going to scout the teams that finished in the top 25 this year and tell you what to expect next year. The caveat of course is that there is usually at least one team that ends up as a surprise, but we’ll do our best to cover the key angles. The order the teams are listed hencewith is based on their final AP ranking this year (not predictions on where they’ll be next year).

1. LSU
Key Senior losses RT Carnell Stewart, TE Keith Zinger, TE Mit Cole, WR Early Doucet, QB Matt Flynn, RB Jacob Hester, LT Glenn Dorsey, DE Kirston Pittman (assuming he can’t get another year of eligibility), LB Luke Sanders, LB Ali Highsmith, LB Jonathan Zenon, SS Craig Steltz, CB Chevis Jackson, P Patrick Fisher

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Ryan Perrilloux should step in nicely as the full-time starter. We think he’ll hit some speed bumps along the way, but if the SEC Championship game was any indication, the QB position is in good hands.

Recruiting? Ranked # 6 right now (according to Scout.com)

How does the schedule line up? Pretty favorably- no key out-of-conference matchups, Georgia and Alabama at home, road games at Florida and Auburn.

Are they a contender? Always. The holes on defense are going to be awfully hard to replace, not to mention the loss of D-Coordinator Bo Pelini. Both the Auburn and Florida games are in the first half of the season which may prove to be trouble for such a young defense. Still, the SEC West should be theirs again for the taking which could mean a potential re-match with Florida or the matchup with Tennessee that never materialized this year.

2. Georgia
Key Senior losses SE Sean Bailey, C Fernando Velasco, RT Chester Adams, TB Thomas Brown, TB Kregg Lumpkin, DE Marcus Howard, SS Kelin Johnson, PK Brandon Coutu, PR Mikey Henderson, PR Thomas Flowers

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Sure do. Matthew Stafford returns for his Junior season after an improved Sophomore year.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 3

How does the schedule line up? Rough. A non-conference road game at Arizona State plus a stretch of four road games in a row to close out conference play (at LSU, at Florida, at Kentucky, at Auburn). At least the Bulldogs get Tennessee in Athens…

Are they a contender? Remains to be seen. Bulldog nation sure thinks so. Most of the key contributors return but Georgia has a brutal schedule. It also will be interesting to see if Georgia can come up with big wins when they’re the hunted all season long. It’s easier to play the role of the underdog as they did in 2007 in a conference as tough as the SEC. The bulls eye is going to squarely planted on Georgia’s back as they’ll be pre-season top-5 for sure.

3. USC
Key Senior losses LT Sam Baker, C Matt Spanos, RT Drew Radovich, TE Fred Davis, QB John David Booty, TB Chauncey Washington, SNP Will Collins, DE Lawrence Jackson, NT Sedrick Ellis, LB Keith Rivers, CB Terrell Thomas

Key Junior losses OG Chili Rachal

Do they have a Quarterback? Sort of. It appears that the job is mark Sanchez’ to lose. Waiting in the wings is Arkansas traitor Mitch Mustain.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 19

How does the schedule line up? Pretty tough. USC opens the season at Virginia and then will have two weeks to get ready for the OSU Buckeyes to come to town. That will be one of the biggest early season match-ups in the last five years. The conference schedule lines up nicely with the road games being at Oregon State, Washington State, UCLA, Arizona, and of course the rematch with Stanford. Oh, and Notre Dame comes to town in the second to last game of the season.

Are they a contender? Always. The Trojans don’t rebuild, and they don’t reload either. They just keep shooting- the chamber never empties. Never. They’re going to have to rebuild the offensive line and get consistency quickly at the QB position.

4. Missouri
Key Senior losses WR William Franklin, LT Tyler Luellen, C Adam Spieker, TE Martin Rucker, TB Tony Temple, WR Jason Ray, NG Lorenzo Williams, CB Darnell Terrell, CB Paul Simpson

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Sure do. 4th place Heisman vote getter Chase Daniel returns to command the offense again.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 25

How does the schedule line up? Nicely. The non-conference opener against Illinois will be a huge challenge, but the rest of the slate is a walk in the park. The Big XII North is theirs for the taking if they can beat Kansas again at the end of the season. The only other challenge is the matchup at Texas on October 18th, and of course the Big XII Championship game.

Are they a contender? Doubtful. Assuming they can get past Illinois and Texas, they’ll likely have Oklahoma again in the Big XII Championship and that’ll be a tall order. It’s probably too much to expect a one-loss and a two-loss team to end up in the BCS Championship game again next year.

5. Ohio State
Key Senior losses RT Kirk Barton, FB Dionte Johnson, LB Larry Grant

Key Junior losses DE Vernon Gholston

Do they have a Quarterback? Sort of. Starter Todd Boeckman returns for his Senior season after mixed results in 2007. He finished the season with only two touchdowns against six interceptions and has to be better next year to be successful. Waiting in the wings is Antonio Henton, provided he stays out of trouble. Tressel is loyal almost to a fault so he’ll give the sixth-year Senior Boeckman loads of latitude to keep the starting job, but if he has a real meltdown early on, expect to see Henton.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 12

How does the schedule line up? Mixed bag. The third game of the season is in LA against USC which will be a titanic matchup. They’ve also got to go on the road against Wisconsin, Michigan State, and Illinois. Michigan has to come to Columbus.

Are they a contender? Following the blowout loss to Florida in the championship game two years ago, most people would have assessed 2008 as the possible repeat trip, not 2007. Nearly everyone is back for the Buckeyes including five of the six Juniors that would have been drafted into the NFL had they declared early. The loss of Vernon Gholston at end will create a big void but Lawrence Wilson coming back from injury should handle the assignment as well or better. As the 2007 season hinged, 2008 will depend upon Quarterback play: solid play should put them in the thick of it when Michigan comes to town in November.

6. West Virginia
Key Senior losses DL Keilen Dykes, LB Bobby Hathaway, DB Antonio Lewis, LB Marc Magro, DB Ridwan Malik, DB Ryan Mundy, RB Owen Schmitt, DB Eric Turner, DB Eric Wicks, DB Larry Williams

Key Junior losses RB Steve Slaton, WR Darius Reynaud, DE Johnny Dingle

Do they have a Quarterback? Sure do. Pat White returns to an offense that returns mostly intact, well, mostly.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 61

How does the schedule line up? Mixed bag. Auburn comes to Morgantown and an away game at Colorado highlight the non-conference. If they can split those games, that should set them up nicely for the Big East schedule which is pretty easy- Rutgers, South Florida, and Cincinnati all at home, Uconn on the road.

Are they a contender? Anything is possible in the Big East. They obviously have to replace Rich Rodriguez and the loss of Steve Slaton is key. Pat White proved down the stretch he’s neither durable enough nor reliable enough of a thrower to be the entire offense. Noel Devine will fill in nicely as Slaton’s replacement but Devine doesn’t have the size to carry the entire load, and with Owen Schmitt gone also, another running back is going to need to step up. Oh yeah, they need to rebuild a lot of the defense too.

7. Kansas
Key Senior losses RT Cesar Rodriguez, TE Derek Fine, WR Marcus Henry, RB Brandon McAnderson, DT James McClinton, K Scott Webb, P Kyle Tucker,

Key Junior losses CB Aquib Talib, OT Anthony Collins

Do they have a Quarterback? Sure do. Todd Reesing returns for his Junior season after a 21-38 performance against Virginia Tech in the Orange Bowl.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 40

How does the schedule line up? A hell of a lot harder than 2007. Non-conference game at South Florida should be fun to watch. The Jayhawks get Texas and Texas Tech at home but have to travel to Oklahoma plus the season finale against Missouri, and the Big XII Championship game should they get that far.

Are they a contender? We don’t think so. Too many key losses (best DB, best RB, special teams) plus Oklahoma and Texas both back on the schedule mean the fighting Manginos will have a hard time getting to the Big XII championship game, let alone the National Championship.

8. Oklahoma
Key Senior losses TE Joe Jon Finley, RB Allen Patrick, DT Steven Coleman, DE Alonzo Dotson, LB Lewis Baker, CB Marcus Walker, SS D.J. Wolfe, K Garrett Hartley,

Key Junior losses WR Malcolm Kelly, LB Curtis Lofton, DB Reggie Smith

Do they have a Quarterback? Sure do. Sam Bradford returns for his Redshirt Sophomore season after a record-breaking Freshman season.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 10

How does the schedule line up? Pretty good. The only non-conference game with a pulse is the home date with Cincinnati. The Sooners get Texas Tech and Kansas at home with no difficult road games to speak of…maybe Oklahoma State or Kansas State. Maybe.

Are they a contender? Absolutely. Bradford is losing several of his weapons but that isn’t usually an issue at Oklahoma. The secondary is going to have to have to gel quickly with Cincinnati coming in the second game and Texas showing up in game six. The Sooners should also be looking to avenge their embarrassing loss to West Virginia.

9. Virginia Tech
Key Senior losses SE Josh Morgan, FL Eddie Royal, FS D.J. Parker

Key Junior losses CB Branden Flowers

Do they have a Quarterback? Uhhhh…sort of. Sean Glennon and Tyrod Taylor both proved to be servicable throughout the 2007 season. Unfortunately, both also played at times like they belong behind center at Florida State. One of them is going to have to do better than the 91.93 QB rating Glennon had in the Orange Bowl or the -2.53 rating Taylor had (I’m not making this up).

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 18

How does the schedule line up? Cake, with a side of pie. The stiffest non-conference test is at Nebraska. When you stop laughing, I’ll continue. The Hokies don’t have to play Clemson (until the ACC Championship game) and get Virginia and Maryland at home. Road games at Miami and Florida State may be mildly interesting.

Are they a contender? Without a doubt. It’s all going to revolve around what kind of QB play they can get. Most of the team is returning, including a very strong defense, and there’s little standing in their way in the ACC with Boston College rebuilding. If they can beat Clemson in the ACC Championship game, this may be the year for the Hokies to get to the NC.

10. Texas
Key Senior losses LB Scott Terry, CB Brandon Foster, C Dallas Griffin, S Marcus Griffin, OT Tony Hills, S Erick Jackson, WR Nate Jones, S Drew Kelson, LB Robert Killebrew, DT Derek Lokey, DT Thomas Marshall, DT Frank Okam, WR Limas Sweed

Key Junior losses RB Jamaal Charles, TE Jermichael Finley

Do they have a Quarterback? Colt is thy name. McCoy is thy clan.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 9

How does the schedule line up? Pretty well. Arkansas comes into town for the non-conference intrigue. Home conference games include Missouri and Oklahoma State. Road games include Kansas and Texas Tech plus the neutral matchup with Oklahoma.

Are they a contender? Don’t think so. Texas has a lot of holes to fill and should be underdogs vs. both Oklahoma and Missouri. If they can find some inspiration, they might be able to win the Big XII South. Maybe.

10. (tie) Boston College
Key Senior losses WR Kevin Challenger, LT Gosder Cherilus, LG Ty Hall, QB Matt Ryan, TB Andre Callender, TB L.V. Whitworth, DE Nick Larkin, FS Jamie Silva, CB Taji Morris, P Johnny Ayers

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Nope. Matt Ryan heads off to the NFL along with all of BC’s hopes and dreams. Senior-to-be Chris Crane threw exactly four passes in 2007 completing two. Sophomore-to-be Billie Flutie threw one pass.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 20

How does the schedule line up? No thanks to the BC Athletic Department, who don’t list the 2008 schedule on their website, just fine. Non-conference is laughable. Maryland, Clemson, and Virginia Tech all at home. At Florida State is the only challenging conference road game.

Are they a contender? Not at all. The defense should be good but losing Silva will hurt. The offense is going to struggle. The Eagles had no running game and loses their top two running backs. Matt Ryan was the offense in 2007 and they’re going to be searching for answers next year.

12. Tennessee
Key Senior losses RT Eric Young, TE Brad Cottam, TE Chris Brown, QB Erik Ainge, DE Xavier Mitchell, DT J.T. Mapu, DE Antonio Reynolds, LB Ryan Karl, CB Antonio Gaines, FS Jonathan Hefney, SS Jarod Parrish

Key Junior losses LB Jerod Mayo,

Do they have a Quarterback? Nope. Jonathan Crompton was the backup this year throwing exactly twelve passes, completing nine of them, two of which went to the other team unfortunately.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 53

How does the schedule line up? Pretty rough. The non-conference slate includes a visit to UCLA in the second game of the season. The SEC run includes away games at Auburn, Georgia, and South Carolina. Florida comes to Knoxville, as does Alabama.

Are they a contender? Nope. No quarterback, a challenging schedule and heavy losses on the defensive side spell average to below average season for Volunteer nation. Fortunately, RB Arian Foster decided to return for his Senior season which should make breaking in a new QB a little easier. Not enough though.

13. Florida
Key Senior losses WR Andre Caldwell, OT Carlton Medder, C Drew Miller, K Joey Ijjas, DT Clint McMillan, S Tony Joiner

Key Junior losses DE Derrick Harvey

Do they have a Quarterback? Lord Tebow himself

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 11

How does the schedule line up? Very nicely, thank you. Two intriguing non-conference games with both Hawaii (not the same Hawaii) and U. of Miami coming to Gainesville. The SEC slate lines up very nicely with the two biggest games at home- LSU and Georgia. Road games include at Tennessee, at Arkansas, and the finale out of conference at Florida State.

Are they a contender? Without a doubt. A very young defense returns without a star pass-rusher in Harvey but largely intact. We learned this year that no matter how good the offense is, that defense has to develop at a quicker pace, and they should. We’re picking the Gators as the early favorites in the East with a very good chance at winning the conference and advancing another SEC team into the NC.

14. BYU
Key Senior losses WR Matt Allen, C Sete Aulai, RB Joe Semanoff, DE Judd Anderton, LB Bryan Kehl, LB Kelly Poppinga, LB Markell Staffieri, LB Chris Bolden, S Kayle Buchanan, S Ben Criddle, S Andrew Saulsberry, DB Korby Hodgkiss, FS Ben Criddle

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Yep. Max Hall and his 3,800 yards return for his Junior season.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 44

How does the schedule line up? Non-conference games include at home to UCLA and at Washington. The rest is the Mountain West- what else do you really want to know.

Are they a contender? No. Massive defensive losses mean maybe even another two-loss season may not be possible.

15. Auburn
Key Senior losses FB Carl Stewart, QB Brandon Cox, LT King Dunlap, TE Cole Bennett, DE Quentin Groves, DT Josh Thompson, SS Eric Brock, DB Patrick Lee, DB Jonathan Wilhite

Key Junior losses DT Pat Sims

Do they have a Quarterback? Nope. Brandon Cox is out the door and either the Kodi Burns or the Blake Field eras are about to begin.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 21

How does the schedule line up? Really well. Non-conference at West Virginia in game # 2. The Tigers get LSU, Tennessee, and Georgia all at home. At Alabama in the finale is the only road challenge.

Are they a contender? Nope. Replacing a QB and multiple defensive standouts is too much to ask in the SEC.

16. Arizona State
Key Senior losses LG Robert Gustavis, C Mike Pollak, RT Zach Krula, RT Julius Orieukwu, TE Brent Miller, TE Brady Conrad, WR Rudy Burgess, WR Tyrice Thompson, TB Ryan Torain, P Jonathan Johnson, DE Kellen Mills, DT Michael Marquardt, LB Robert James, CB Chris Baloney, FS Josh Barrett, CB Justin Tryon

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Definitely. Rudy Carpenter and his 145.1 passer rating is back for his Senior season.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 13

How does the schedule line up? Pretty rough. Georgia comes into town for a non-conference tilt. Conference road games include at Cal, USC, and Arizona. Oregon comes to town.

Are they a contender? No. Keegan Herring returning at RB and the aforementioned Rudy Carpenter should soften the blow of the other departures. Still, too many holes to fill with that schedule to think the Sun Devils will have any chance of sniffing the National Championship.

17. Cincinnati
Key Senior losses DE Angelo Craig, DT Jon Newton, DE Anthony Hoke, LB Leo Morgan, LB Jon Carpenter, SS Haruki Nakmura, SS Evan Sparks, LT Digger Bujnoch, LG Ken Rodriguez, TE Doug Jones, TE Earnest Jackson, WR Mike Daniels, WR Antwuan Giddens, RB Butler Benton, RB Bradley Glatthaar, RB Greg Moore, QB Ben Mauk

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Sort of. 2007 starter Ben Mauk moves on and Dustin Grutza takes over what was once his. Grutza was the on-and-off starter in both 2005 and 2006 so and will be a Senior next year.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 48

How does the schedule line up? Not good for 2nd year Head Coach Brian Kelly. Non-conference road games at Oklahoma and Hawaii plus conference road games at West Virginia, Uconn, and Louisville. South Florida and Rutgers are at home.

Are they a contender? Nope.

18. Michigan
Key Senior losses LT Jake Long, C Adam Kraus, RG Jeremy Ciulla, RG Alex Mitchell, QB Chad Henne, RB Mike Hart, K K.C. Lopata, K Jason Gingell, DE Tim Jamison, DT Will Johnson, LB Shawn Crable, LB Max Pollock, LB John Thompson, LB Chris Graham, CB Morgan Trent, FS Brandent Englemon, SS Jamar Adams, SS Charles Stewart, CB Doug Dutch

Key Junior losses WR Mario Manningham, WR Adrian Arrington, QB Ryan Mallett (not a Junior, transferred)

Do they have a Quarterback? Not unless Tyrelle Pryor commits. Even if Pryor does come to Ann Arbor, he better be the next coming of Vince Young if he expects to live through his Freshman year. He’ll be with a rebuilt offensive line, without his top running back and without the top two wide receivers, and the defense is going to have to be rebuilt also. What do you think TP? You sure you want to come to Michigan?

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 16

How does the schedule line up? Not too bad. Fortunately, Appalachian State is off the schedule this year. In their place is Utah in the home opener. The Wolverines have to play at Penn State and at Ohio State but get Wisconsin, Illinois, and Michigan State at home.

Are they a contender? Not even close. If Rich Rodriguez can get a top two finish in the Big Ten next year he gets my nomination for coach of the year. He’ll be installing a new offensive scheme with the cupboards pretty bare. It could be ugly at Michigan next year.

19. Hawaii
Key Senior losses WR C.J. Hawthorne, RG Larry Sauafea, QB Colt Brennan, WR Jason Rivers, LG Hercules Satele, DE Amani Purcell, DT Michael Lafaele, DT Siave Seti, DE Karl Noa, DE Francis Maka, LB Micah Lau, LB Timo Paepule, LB Brad Kalilimoka, CB Myron Newberry, CB Keenan Jones, S Jacob Patek, CB Gerard Lewis,

Key Junior losses WR Ryan Grice-Mullins, WR Davonne Bess

Do they have a Quarterback? Pretty much. Colt Brennan is off to see if he’s a system QB or not in the NFL. Tyler Graunke has gotten plenty of experience so he should be able to step in admirably next year. Too bad the team he’s taking over will be heavily depleted.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 94

How does the schedule line up? Not good. Non-conference home games against Cincinnati and Washington State plus n-c road games at Florida and Oregon State. The only two WAC games that matter are both on the road- Boise State and Fresno State.

Are they a contender? Contenders to be .500 maybe. With a new coach and loads of new starters on both sides of the ball, expectations should be made very low in Hawaii for ‘08.

20. Illinois
Key Senior losses LG Martin O’Donnell, RT Akim Millington, FB Russ Weil, WR Jacob Willis, DT Chris Norwell, DT Mike Ware, LB J Leman, LB Antonio Steele, LB Anthony Thornhill, FS Justin Harrison, SS Kevin Mitchell, SS Justin Sanders, K Jason Reda

Key Junior losses RB Rashard Mendenhall

Do they have a Quarterback? Yes*. *I’m still not convinced Juice Williams is the answer. He’s sporadic at best. He did have the best game of his career against Ohio State but finished the season throwing 13 touchdowns against 12 interceptions with a 57% completion percentage. I think Eddie McGee gives them the best chance to win, but who am I, Ron Zook? Either way, both QB’s will be back next year so they’re set.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 15

How does the schedule line up? Brutal. The season opener is again against Missouri. Road conference games include at Penn State, at Michigan, and at Wisconsin. They do get Indiana and Ohio State at home, but I’m guessing that’s going to be a pretty angry Ohio State team coming into Champaign. Good luck with that.

Are they a contender? No. There’s loads of young talent but the loss of Rashard Mendenhall can’t be understated. If the Illini fail to establish a running game, teams are going to squeeze the juice. The defense also loses lots of folks, none bigger than J Leman. The USC beatdown in the Rose Bowl should keep expectations modest in Champaign, which is where they should be.

21. Clemson
Key Senior losses OT Barry Richardson, OG Chris McDuffie, OG Brandon Pilgrim, WR La’Donte Harris

Key Junior losses DE Phillip Merling

Do they have a Quarterback? Definitely. Cullen Harper will be returning for his Senior season after a tremendous Junior effort (27 TD’s, 6 INT’s)

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 23

How does the schedule line up? Pretty well. South Carolina is the toughest of the non-conference foes. Florida State and Virginia both on the road.

Are they a contender? They just might be. The schedule is manageable. The recent announcement that James Davis is returning for his senior season might unlock the key for Clemson to be among the elite in 2008.

22. Texas Tech
Key Senior losses TE David Schaefer, WR Danny Amendola, WR Grant Walker, DE Tyler Yenzer, LB Paul Williams, LB Chad Hill, SS Joe Garcia, CB Chris Parker, K Alex Trlica

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Definitely. Graham Harrell returns for his Senior season and brings with him his 10,682 career passing yards and his 71.8% completion rate from last year.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 51

How does the schedule line up? Not too shabby. The non-conference is laughable. The conference slate splits Texas at home with Oklahoma on the road. Road games at Kansas and Kansas State will also be a challenge.

Are they a contender? Probably not. They’re going to have to get by both Texas and Oklahoma to be a contender, or beat one and then hope for some help to get into the Big XII title game. After that, who knows.

23. Oregon
Key Senior losses LG Josh Tschirgi, RT Geoff Schwartz, WR Garren Strong, DE David Faaeteete, DT Jeremy Gibbs, LB A.J. Tuitele, LB Kwame Agyeman, FS Matthew Harper, WR Cameron Colvin, QB Dennis Dixon, WR Brian Paysinger

Key Junior losses RB Jonathan Stewart

Do they have a Quarterback? Nope. No Dennis Dixon = No Offense

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 22

How does the schedule line up? Rough. The non-conference is tricky with a road trip to Purdue and Boise State coming to Eugene. Conference road games include at Arizona State, at Cal, at Oregon State and at USC.

Are they a contender? Nope. Too many holes to fill and too tough of a schedule.

24. Wisconsin
Key Senior losses QB Tyler Donovan, TE Andy Crooks, WR Paul Hubbard, C Marcus Coleman, C Danny Kaye, DE Kurt Ware, DT Nick Hayden, DE Brandon Kelly, CB Ben Strickland, P Ken DeBauche, P Paul Standring, K Taylor Melhaff,

Key Junior losses CB Jake Ikegwuono

Do they have a Quarterback? Nope. With the departure of Tyler Donovan, Allan Evridge appears to be the heir apparent. There are lots of QB’s on the roster but Evridge is the only one with any real experience. Still, they’re starting over at that position.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 22

How does the schedule line up? Pretty well. A road game at Fresno State is as tough as it gets in the non-conference. The Big Ten schedule starts with a road game at Michigan but otherwise is pretty manageable. Ohio State, Penn State, and Illinois all come into Madison. The only other road game of consequence is at Michigan State.

Are they a contender? Maybe. Wisconsin could be a dark horse, at least in the Big Ten. If they can get a quarterback to step in right away, and repair the depleted special teams, the schedule lays out nicely.

25. Oregon State
Key Senior losses WR Brandon Powers, C Kyle Devan, OG Roy Schuening, TB Yvenson Bernard, WR Matthew Sieverson, RB Clinton Polk, FB Andy Stewart, WR Anthony Brown, DE Dorian Smith, DT Gerard Lee, DT William Vea, DT Curtis Coker, DE Jeff Van Orsow, LB Derrick Doggett, LB Alan Darlin, LB Joey LaRocque, CB Gerard Lawson, S Daniel Drayton, K Alexis Serna

Key Junior losses None

Do they have a Quarterback? Yes. Both Sean Canfield and Lyle Moevao return.

Scouts Recruiting Ranking? # 71

How does the schedule line up? So so. The non-conference includes Hawaii at home plus road trips to Penn State and Utah. The conference schedule is a little more forgiving with USC, Arizona State, Cal, and Oregon all at home

Are they a contender? Not a chance. There’s rebuilding and then there’s re-populating. The Beavers are losing their entire backfield, the greatest kicker in Oregon State history, and nearly their entire defense. Beaver fans should save the game tape from the Emerald Bowl this year because 2008 is going to be rough.

You’re welcome.

Courtesy of NYtimes.com, Bill Clinton fighting off (and losing to) a righteous siesta. The slumber occurred during a Martin Luther King celebration speech at a church in Harlem. Watching this video, you get the sense Bill frequently dozes off when being yelled at by Hillary, much the way the speaker is yelling/evangelizing the audience.

Enjoy.

Of all the hockey fights we’ve seen, this has got to be the best. You definitely won’t see this kind of action in the NHL, assuming you can find a channel that’s actually broadcasting NHL games still.

I especially like the very end where the guy from the black team disrespects a white team jersey and gets hammered by another white team guy!

Enjoy!

Two signs of the apocalypse for you today- the first is this Viagra commercial. I’m sure you’ve seen it by now, but every time I see it, I’m reminded that the end of the world must be near. To all of my friends who may be reading this- if in 15 or 20 years, we’re sitting around an old restaurant rehearsing our folk band and we bust out a couple verses of this song, please one of you lace your guitar with C-4 and end it for us. Thanks.

The second sign of the apocalypse is the spawning of another McConaughey. As was reported all over the place, actor Matthew McConaughey and his Brazilian model girlfriend are expecting a child. On McConaughey’s website, he’s announced “…my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby.” He goes on, “We are stoked and wowed by the miracle of creation.” He also says “Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution.” Unfortunately he did not specify what exactly his child is going to evolve into, we can only hope that it evolves into a positively contributing member of society.

Baby gifts can be sent to the couple at McConaughey’s motor home if you happen to know where it’s located at any given moment, but pants and shorts only as the baby will likely go through life shirtless like his/her father.

You’re welcome.

National Treasure: Portrait of Stephen
In a bold move, the Smithsonian has placed a portrait of Stephen Colbert in the National Portrait Gallery, at least temporarily. The specific placement of the portrait is fitting as well.

More Idiots Ruining our Legal System
A BASE jumper who attempted to jump off the Empire State building but was thwarted by security, is now suing the city for $30 million alleging the guards endangered his life, defamed his character, and caused him severe emotional distress. I’d like to baseline his “severe emotional distress” prior to the jump attempt and after. I’m guessing he was distressed significantly prior to. I’ve got an easy solution for this little dispute- have this moron sign a waiver, clear the streets, and let him jump as many times as he wants to or until his remains can be placed into Sucrets box, whichever comes first (editor’s note: if you’re under the age of 25, you probably don’t know what Sucrets are so substitute in an Altoids box).

$%^#@! Mexican officials are taking steps to try and legislate against Proposition 200 in the state of Arizona which is a bill that is attempting to control the illegal alien issue in that state. Let me repeat that: Mexico is trying to interfere and legislate against the state of Arizona in an attempt to protect people that have entered this country illegally. No matter where you are on the immigration issue (the right side or the wrong side), this should piss you off.

Have we become so soft and politically correct as a nation that we’re going to allow another country to legislate an issue of paramount national security. Why don’t we just go ahead and lay down our arms and let France and Switzerland invade? Disgusting.

And finally…

Shawshank Reparations A Pueblo County Colorado inmate is suing the jail for injuries he sustained while escaping. In the lawsuit, the jackass claims that the jail was “too easy to escape from” and “Defendants…did next to nothing to ensure that the jail was secure and the plaintiff could not escape.” Darwin will finish this moron off at some point, and hopefully in spectacular fashion, but here’s the real issue: all the other inmates at the jail should have grounds for a class action suit against this prisoner. In the wake of the inmate’s escape, the jail has spent $1.2 million making the jail more secure and escape-proof. So as a result of this dimwits’ actions, the rest of the law-breaking population in Pueblo County have a reduced chance of successfully escaping…

You’re welcome.

If you’re still unsure about who to vote for in your state’s primary or more importantly who to vote for in the general election come November, this website may be of some help. You answer 14 questions online and it spits out which candidates your responses most closely align with. We can vouch for the accuracy only in that it spit out who we thought it would based on our responses.

You’re welcome.

Here’s a little hump day humor for you courtesy of Demetri Martin. These are both pretty safe for work but you may want to use headphones just in case.

Enjoy.

After watching the Chargers’ backups beat the defending Super Bowl Champ Colts and then witnessing the NFL upset of the decade as the Giants took down the #1 seeded Cowboys… I got to thinking. When was the last time that Peyton’s season ended before Eli’s?

Well, as far as I can tell, this is it. Eli and the Giants will play again next weekend at Lambeau and based on my limited research this morning I think it’s the first time that Peyton will have the chance to watch his little bro play in a game after his own season has concluded. Since Eli was drafted, the Colts have always outlasted the Giants in the playoffs.

While Eli was at Ole Miss they went to three bowls but in each of those seasons Peyton played in a later playoff game and then the Pro Bowl. 2001 was Eli’s best chance as the Colts did not make the postseason, but Ole Miss wasn’t very good either that year and did not go to a bowl so their season ended on 12/1/01. That was also the last season before the NFL moved up the start of the season so Peyton’s season-ending final regular season game was actually on 1/6/02.

I couldn’t find any detailed info on Eli and Peyton’s seasons at Isidore Newman H.S. in New Orleans but based on the Louisiana playoff schedule, even if Eli took his team to the state finals I think he would have been done before Peyton’s last game since Tennessee went to four straight bowls while he was there. Add to that the fact that Newman’s best ever finish in the Louisiana playoffs was a semifinals appearance in Peyton’s sophomore year.

What’s it all mean? Nothing of course. Except that it will be amusing to see Peyton and Archie in some suite at Lambeau while Eli tries to continue the Giants’ improbable postseason. Personally, my money is on Favre and the Packers but this year, who knows?

From the same person that brought us the 171 Starbucks in one day video, comedian and writer for the Colbert Report Mark Malkoff has moved into an Ikea in Paramus, New Jersey. Well, temporarily anyways. Enjoy:

You’re welcome.

There are so many delightfully ridiculous stories in the news this morning, it’s too hard to focus on just one. Here’s a quick rundown of all that is ridiculous in this country:

* Pop star Hannah Montana is taking heat for using a body double briefly during her concert. Allegedly for about 60 seconds a body double is on stage while Hannah changes costumes. No word whether or not she does her own stunts.

* The city of Cleveland (Ohio) is suing 21 banks claiming “…their subprime lending practices created a public nuisance that hurt property values and city tax collection.” No word yet on whether or not this lawsuit will set a precedent so that intelligent homeowners can sue all the stupid and irresponsible homeowners for getting us into this mess in the first place. Way to go Cleveland, you’re finding new and exciting ways to benefit on the backs of others.

* Hillary Clinton has unveiled a “$70 billion dollar economic stimulus” package including $40 billion in tax rebates. No word yet on how much she plans on raising taxes to help pay for the rebates.

* Finally, want to know why some of the free world hates Americans? A recent World Health Organization report stated that 40% of the world does not have access to sanitation facilities and more than one billion people globally still do not have access to clean drinking water. With that in mind, watch this video and you’ll know why those people hate us.

You’re welcome.

In a hunting trip gone bad, as posted at www.withleather.com, a chocolate Labrador Retriever stepped on a loaded shotgun, triggering it and shooting its’ owner fatally. Investigators “found paw prints and mud from the dog” on the gun. If that’s not proof once and for all that Retrievers are the smartest of all dogs, I don’t know what is.

Here’s the original article.

You’re welcome.

The ‘07 college football season is in the books and I’d be remiss if I didn’t leave you one more time with the Ocho vision. The Ocho is an eight-team playoff crowning a true national champion, generating more money and excitement than a University President could shake a gold-plated stick at, and eliminating the hazy cloud of the BCS as it hovers over the greatest sport on the planet. The playoff would leave the bowl system as it stands today nearly unchanged, only involving the BCS bowls and incorporating the playoff into those games. I know it’s too much to ask to go straight to a full-blown playoff, so I’m fine if we go to the “+1″ initially as an interim step. After all, baby steps are for babies and university presidents.

If there were a playoff, and I were the commish, this is how it would go down.

* Teams would be seeded like they are in college basketball- by a panel of experts, not solely by current rankings or conference champions or any garbage like that. The best eight teams are in. Then we can argue about # 9 or # 10 instead of # 3 and # 4 like we did this year. I don’t have any sympathy for the 9th best team in the country. The 3rd best team this year had a pretty good argument for why they belong in the NC.

* All other bowls remain. All of the tradition from the Papajohns.com Bowl or the Meineke Car Care Bowl will remain intact. The Ocho will be incorporated into the existing BCS structure. First round games are played at home of the higher seeded teams. The two semifinal games would make use of two existing BCS bowl games and then the Championship game would be used for….the Championship. The only change would be that there would need to be a two-week layoff between the semifinal and finals. The other two BCS games would stay intact and would field conference champions and others left out of the playoff.

* I repeat- first-round games are played at home of the higher-seeded team. This would actually add to the drama by providing home-field advantage for the higher seed and forcing some warm-weather teams to play games in (gasp!) cold-weather cities.

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t fire one more blast toward Notre Dame as I close the book on 2007. As much heat as Charlie Weis took this year, it didn’t even approach the amount of heat he should have taken. Consider if you will the historic nature of this past Notre Dame season as pointed out by NBC Sports columnist John Walters:

* In Notre Dame’s finale against Stanford, Freshman Running Back Robert Hughes ripped off a 45-yard run. This was Notre Dame’s longest play from scrimmage all season long. 45 yards.

* The Irish gave up an NCAA record 56 sacks this season.

* Notre Dame’s leading rusher James Aldridge tallied 463 yards on the season which was the lowest rushing total by a Notre Dame running back in 21 years (406 yards by Mark Green in 1986).

* John Carlson finished the season as the team’s leading receiver with 40 receptions, the lowest total by a receiver in six years.

* The Irish finished the season with a win for just the second time in 14 years and finished the season with a two-game winning streak for the first time since 1992.

Finally, according to Joe at codevision.com, Notre Dame was the second worst performing team in the nation based on the talent they have, behind the University of Miami and ahead of Mississippi. Other teams in Notre Dame’s peer group of horrific underachievers include Syracuse, Duke, and Minnesota.

You’re welcome.

Uhhhh…..we suggest you do this every Monday. Love the Carmina Burana soundtrack toward the end. Visit the website at www.171starbucks.com

You’re welcome.

The championship game Monday night put a bow on the 2007-2008 Bowl season and has provided another batch of interesting data for use in comparing conference bowl performance. As we’ve updated you periodically, we’ve put together our own Bowl Challenge as a response to ESPN’s “Bowl Challenge Cup”.

ESPN’s results are shown below, modified slightly. They actually have the Sun Belt in 1st place by virtue of their win in their only bowl game. We’ve set the criteria that a conference must have played at least four games in order to be considered.

As a refresher, here’s how we came up with our points system:

* Lose as the favorite or lose and not cover the spread - 0 points
* Lose but cover the spread - 1 point
* Win but don’t cover the spread - 2 points
* Win and cover the spread - 3 points

The point totals are then divided by the total number of games each conference played, and the highest final score wins the challenge. First, here are the combined point totals accumulated by each conference throughout the bowl games:

Then, when you divide the above points by the total number of games, you get the winner. What does it all mean? Not much. It means that according to our crude calculations, the SEC performed better than the other conferences in bowl games. It also means that the Pac-Ten and the Mountain West should probably get more credit for their performance than they’re getting (none).

You’re welcome.

Consider this stat for men’s athletics at Ohio State: in the last twelve months, four men’s teams have reached the national championship game (basketball, soccer, football twice). Ohio State lost all four of those matches putting them in real danger of becoming the collegiate equivalent of the 80’s/90’s Buffalo Bills.

There’s nothing like a nine-hour car ride to bring the National Championship game into focus. Though I was disconnected from the internets for much of the day today, I was able to stay connected to the rest of the world via my trusty XM radio. As expected, the “I told you so” bandwagon was overflowing with Buckeye haters today, including Colin Cowherd and Pat Forde, neither of which have been very good at hiding their disdain for the Big Ten.

If you’re passing off the championship outcome as continued SEC dominance over Ohio State, you’re not only short-changing OSU but LSU as well. LSU simply out-executed Ohio State and Ohio State made way too many mistakes in too many key situations. And oh yeah- LSU out coached OSU.

Ohio State’s intentions going into the championship game were fairly straight-forward: 1.) control the clock, 2.) limit mistakes, 3.) take the crowd out of the game. They did none of the three.

1.) They certainly took the crowd out of the game with ten early points but that was short-lived.
2.) LSU controlled the clock having almost an eight-minute time of possession advantage.
3.) Regarding limiting mistakes, that didn’t happen either. Ohio State made mistakes at critical times including three turnovers, (another) blocked field goal attempt, a key dropped touchdown on third down in the second quarter (Robiskie) and loads of penalties, some of which were questionable at best. A minus two turnover margin is enough to spell defeat vs. any quality opponent and especially against one of the caliber of LSU. And yet with all of that, Ohio State out gained LSU, only lost by 14 and had several opportunities to close that gap.

As maligned as Les Miles has been during the regular season, he and his staff performed brilliantly in New Orleans. Neither team could get any deep passing threat down the field, neither team could consistently establish the running game, and both teams were getting solid defensive line play, yet LSU was the team that was constantly making in-game adjustments keeping (statistically) the best defense in the last ten years or so constantly on its’ heels. Where Ohio State chose on too many downs to line up in max protect formations sending only two receivers out, LSU constantly flexed different formations and used the screens, flares, and end-arounds in dizzying combinations.

And the best part is, LSU is stillundefeated in regulation…

Make no mistake about it, Senator Tressel and his staff were out coached on several occasions by Miles and company and the OSU coaches have some serious questions to answer in the off-season- starting with Quarterback.

Todd Boeckman comes back next year but he faltered severely down the stretch throwing only two touchdowns against six interceptions. The staff is going to need to honestly assess whether Boeckman is really the answer- particularly with an able Antonio Henton waiting in the wings, assuming of course that Henton can stay out of trouble. On Boeckman’s first interception, he floated a deep ball (which has been a trend), lobbing a pretty easy pick when receiver Ray Small had a step on Chevis Jackson. The second interception was simply a misfire.

The coaches didn’t do Boeckman any favors with play calling but the fact that Boeckman only got four different receivers the ball, and one of them only had one catch is a serious problem. On the flip side, LSU had eight different receivers with catches, including both tight ends, two of the running backs, and fullback Quinn Johnson.

All is not lost for OSU. For a team with only two Senior starters, just being a repeat participant in the national championship this year is a remarkable achievement, especially considering how many players matriculated to the NFL last year. Assuming OSU keeps some of their key Juniors from departing early this year, the Buckeyes will be in the top five again next year, with the matchup in week three at USC already looming large, plus road games at Wisconsin and Illinois.

As for LSU- Flynn, Hester, and Doucet will be gone, but the losses on the defensive side will make a bigger impact. With as many as nine starters to be replaced on defense, a repeat championship for LSU will be a tall order. The schedule will be a challenge with road games at Auburn, Florida, Arkansas and South Carolina, plus
Georgia and Alabama at home.

And as for the rest of college football, LSU is Champion. Period. As I posted earlier on Tuesday, the only team (I repeat- the only team) with a legitimate beef is USC. The Trojans though are discounted on two counts- first, the loss to Stanford and second the injury card. Of all the teams in the country that can play the injury card, USC is not one of them. Southern Cal is tripping over five-star recruits with an embarrassment of riches the likes no other program has. Sorry Trojan fans- better luck next year. And assuming they can replace Booty, they shouldn’t need much luck.

Georgia is pissed, and that’s fine with me. Their Administration is pushing for an eight-game playoff which if you’ve been reading us long enough, you know was my idea in the first place. So bitch on Dawgs, bitch on.

You’re welcome.