News Briefs

National Treasure: Portrait of Stephen
In a bold move, the Smithsonian has placed a portrait of Stephen Colbert in the National Portrait Gallery, at least temporarily. The specific placement of the portrait is fitting as well.

More Idiots Ruining our Legal System
A BASE jumper who attempted to jump off the Empire State building but was thwarted by security, is now suing the city for $30 million alleging the guards endangered his life, defamed his character, and caused him severe emotional distress. I’d like to baseline his “severe emotional distress” prior to the jump attempt and after. I’m guessing he was distressed significantly prior to. I’ve got an easy solution for this little dispute- have this moron sign a waiver, clear the streets, and let him jump as many times as he wants to or until his remains can be placed into Sucrets box, whichever comes first (editor’s note: if you’re under the age of 25, you probably don’t know what Sucrets are so substitute in an Altoids box).

$%^#@! Mexican officials are taking steps to try and legislate against Proposition 200 in the state of Arizona which is a bill that is attempting to control the illegal alien issue in that state. Let me repeat that: Mexico is trying to interfere and legislate against the state of Arizona in an attempt to protect people that have entered this country illegally. No matter where you are on the immigration issue (the right side or the wrong side), this should piss you off.

Have we become so soft and politically correct as a nation that we’re going to allow another country to legislate an issue of paramount national security. Why don’t we just go ahead and lay down our arms and let France and Switzerland invade? Disgusting.

And finally…

Shawshank Reparations A Pueblo County Colorado inmate is suing the jail for injuries he sustained while escaping. In the lawsuit, the jackass claims that the jail was “too easy to escape from” and “Defendants…did next to nothing to ensure that the jail was secure and the plaintiff could not escape.” Darwin will finish this moron off at some point, and hopefully in spectacular fashion, but here’s the real issue: all the other inmates at the jail should have grounds for a class action suit against this prisoner. In the wake of the inmate’s escape, the jail has spent $1.2 million making the jail more secure and escape-proof. So as a result of this dimwits’ actions, the rest of the law-breaking population in Pueblo County have a reduced chance of successfully escaping…

You’re welcome.