Red’s been traveling a lot lately so we haven’t been able to pay as much attention to the blogosphere as we need to. Things are back to neutral so hopefully that means blogging fun.

Speaking of travel, we’ve got a couple ‘o tips for anyone flying the friendly skies in the next couple months.

Tip # 1: If you are sick, stay off my plane. If you’ve just got a little cold or some slight sneezing, that’s cool, but you better wear a particulate mask- you know the ones all the Chinese were sporting during the summer of SARS? Seriously, my kids are bringing home enough germs from school, I don’t need to breathe in your re-circulated sick germs for three hours on an airplane while I try to siphon the last peanut bit out of the 1″ by 1″ bag that was my lunch.

Tip # 2: This is a pretty simple one. The plane has landed and made its way to the gate. The little bell goes off and everyone unbuckles their seat belts. Do you a.) immediately stand up in the aisle and try to move forward in the plane a couple of rows or b.) play it cool like Vincent Vega? The answer, of course, is “B”. The deplaning rules are very simple America- handicapped folks and people continuing on the same plane stay where they’re sitting. Everyone else should leave the plane according to where you’re sitting. If I’m in row 13 and you’re in row 14, you’re standing in row 14 until all of the passengers from row 13 have vacated their seats and started moving toward the front of the plane. You do not start to edge your way forward and act like you have a right to get off the germbox before I do. It’s douchebaggery and it’s punishable by a forearm shiver to the temple or a toe sticking juuuuuuust a smidge too far out in the aisle. You’ve been warned.

Now on to the news desk…

Dateline: Goslar, Germany
According to the Universal Press Syndicate, a restaurant owner has come up with a creative way to get around the recently imposed smoking ban. The owner made three holes in an outer wall so that smokers can stick their head and arms through the openings and toke it while not actually leaving the restaurant. A good idea on paper (maybe) the execution of this feat is problematic. I guess Germans are more comfortable than Americans in a.) helplessly exposing their faces and hands to public urinaters, snow ball fights, etc. and b.) exposing their “rear flanks” to a restaurant full of people. Nice work Germany.

Dateline: Austin, Texas
File this one under “we didn’t think they’d actually show up”. Leaders of the Hyde Park Baptist Church announced a multidenominational Thanksgiving celebration and then abruptly cancelled it when they became aware that some Muslims might actually show up and pray. How’s that for religious tolerance? I guess by multidenominational, they meant Baptist plus a bake sale and a Jew. Nice work Austin.

You’re welcome.

The Presidential election results are in…..oops.

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

Good stuff. You’re welcome.

Uhhhhh…….

Unfortunately, that’s what politics in America has come down to.

You’re welcome.

Dateline: Lake Mary, Florida.

According to local news and the Lake Mary Police, a man went through a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through naked from the waist down. A story like that gets our keyboard all a-twitter for the endless possibilities for absurd commentary.

First, we’ll point out that this is yet another example of why we don’t watch the local news. Ever. Mix in a faulty weather forecast, a few murder and arson stories, and some douchebag at the sports desk and you get every local news cast in every city in this country.

Second, the quality of reporting here is fantastic- note in the beginning that the “reporter” is holding a cup of coffee while going through the drive-through, presumably to re-enact the illegal behavior. One can only hope that the re-enactment stopped with the coffee cup and that this reporter actually kept her pants on. Also note the cheapshot the reporter gets in when she states the only thing the naked guy had going for him was his red Corvette, a clear veiled slam on the perps’ genitalia. Nothing classier than a beat reporter slamming a dude’s junk on the newscast.

Thirdly, and more random, search Youtube for “Man gets coffee without pants” and the very first video that comes up is some Ron Paul video. We’re not kidding- try it if you don’t believe us. That should fuel the fire for the Ron Paulite conspiracy theorists out there.

Finally, we thought maybe it would be appropriate for Dunkin’ Donuts or another coffee chain to name a couple drinks in honor of the naked customer. We came up with a few off the top of our heads- how about a “Cockaccino”? Or maybe a “Caffe Nopants”? Or how about a “Caramel Ballsiato”? Feel free to send any suggestions you can come up with to editor@redrenee.com.

Enjoy the “news” story.

You’re welcome.

It’s been awhile since we’ve gotten some Will Ferrell up and awhile is too long. Here’s an interview with Tom Izzo put up a little while ago on Will’s website- Funny or Die. Below that is a classic and one that takes on new meaning given the current housing and economic issues.

You’re welcome.

If you missed the NBA All-Star festivities this weekend (and based on the ratings, you did miss it), here are the highlights from the dunk contest including a candle-blowout dunk. Has to be seen to be believed.

You’re welcome.

Not a fiscal blizzard, which implies a slowdown, but something that ultimately looks pretty in the moonlight. Not a fiscal twister, which wipes out a few mobile homes but not much else. No, a fiscal tsunami. Natives, tourists, and models alike.

I don’t care about what side of the aisle you sit on, that use of language should cause anyone to pause. Here’s what “tidings of joy” David Walker of the alleged bipartisan agency Government Accountability Office says are on the way:

* Absent reform, starting in 2041 social security will only have enough reserves to pay 73 cents of every dollar of promised benefits. The lesson here is start saving 27 cents per day so you’re prepared in 2041.

* Medicare is underfunded by over $32 trillion.

* Only 50% of workers in the U.S. have a private pension plan and we have the lowest savings rate of any industrialized nation.

* Without double-digit growth in GDP for decades, our economy won’t be able to simply “grow out of” these issues, absent reform.

* According to Mr. Walker, we could not renew the Bush tax cuts, eliminate all foreign aid, eliminate all earmarks, eliminate NASA, eliminate the National Endowment of the Humanities, and eliminate the entire Defense Department tomorrow and we still wouldn’t solve our current fiscal issues.

I do agree with Mr. Walker on several areas- first, we as a people are far too caught up in the here and now and don’t take enough steps to prepare for tomorrow. We’re an instant gratification society and focus most of our energy on today. Second, fiscal education in this country is worthless, or worse still, not present at all. And third, the government isn’t going to take care of you- you need to take care of yourself, starting by not counting on social security to fund your happily ever after.

Postlude: Not long after I started putting this post together, Mr. Walker announced his resignation as head of the GAO. He’s resigning to lead an independent group called Peter G. Peterson Foundation where he’ll do much of what he does now, but will be able to do so without being quite so politically correct.

You’re welcome.

First, an interesting idea for you. I remember hearing about something like this in the UK where fans bought majority interest in a football (soccer) club. Sounds like it’s about to happen so start selling all your sports memorabilia to generate capital…

http://www.projectfranchise.org/

http://www.myfootballclub.co.uk/index

Second, another unfortunate incident to give good Catholics a bad name. As reported at SportsbyBrooks.com, a catholic school in Kansas refused to use a ref for a boys basketball game because the ref is a woman. Even if it is some radical throwback offshoot, and even if parts of Kansas are still stuck in the 1950’s, this is unacceptable behavior. Certainly proof that stupid doesn’t have a religion.

Third, Mark O. is excited about baseball season and offers this classic video of a Mississippi Braves manager going all Russell Crowe on the infield.

Finally, Mark O. offers this open letter detailing why he fired his secretary; a forwarded e-mail turned blog post if you will.

Why I fired my Secretary, by Mark O.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.”

I thought…well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day…we don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind?”

She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment; it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …followed by

my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing “Happy Birthday”.

and I just sat there…

on the couch…

naked.

You’re welcome.

This is pretty cool in a demented super-mega-film-school geeky kind of way. It would be even better if they did it somewhere a little more challenging, like crossing a street in Rome or during the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Then I’d be really impressed.

Frozen Grand Central

We’d be remiss if we didn’t recap some of the spectacular testimony from the Roger Clemens’ Congressional hearing on Wednesday. Our comments are as follows:

1.) The whole thing is a complete waste of tax-payer money, and an angry attempt to justify the findings of the Mitchell Report. If Clemens has in fact broken a law and perjured himself, indict him and give him a fair trial where his defense counsel has a chance to research and cross-examine witnesses as the law allows. This dog and pony show is gratuitous, and again, a complete waste of tax payer money, and during an election year I might add.

2.) I’m not body language expert but Clemens sure looks guilty. The exchange about the B-12 shots is curious too- Clemens says McNamee gave him B-12 shots and McNamee says he doesn’t even know what B-12 is (which is laughable). I wonder if in Clemens mind he hasn’t rationalized HGH as “B-12 shots” and thus by admitting to the B-12 shots he feels like he’s telling the truth.

3.) There’s no way McNamee would have injected HGH into Clemens’ wife while Clemens wasn’t home and without Clemens’ knowledge. Any red-blooded American man would kick any other man’s ass for injecting HGH into his wife, with or without her permission, and certainly would never let it happen while that red-blooded American man wasn’t home, and most especially, not a hot head like Roger Clemens. Again, laughable.

Here are the highlights from ESPN which, all things aside, does make for compelling TV.

And in yet another gross waste of taxpayer money, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell met with Senator Arlen Specter about the Patriots’ spygate scandal. With boat loads of foreign and domestic issues, Senator Specter felt it necessary to spend valuable tax payer money looking into the hoodie using a video camera to tape defensive.

And for some comic relief, here’s some additional Clemens-McNamee footage:

You’re welcome.

What Some Guys Won’t Do For A Promotion… Kudos to this guy for doing whatever it takes to get the story. He should be promoted to the Today Show.

Reporter pepper-sprayed

You’re welcome.

What do you get when you take a couple of lawnmowers on Wistrol, two garbage cans, four wagon wheels and a bunch of good ol’ boys with too much time on their hands? Redneck Chariot Races!

Enjoy!

Redneck Chariot

If you have young kids at home or are a college student, you’re probably going to find this absolutely hilarious:

You’re welcome.

Here’s your primary delegate leaderboard courtesy of MSNBC.com:

The home stretch of the primary season is in sight so time to check on the current Presidential odds. Sadly, all of the exotic picks have fallen off the board- people like Clint Eastwood, Bill Maher, and James Carville. Instead, the field is pretty well defined, with perhaps a couple of surprises. Keep in mind these are odds to be elected President, not to win the party nomination:

Barack Obama 4-5
Hillary Clinton 3-2
John McCain 3-2
Al Gore 5-1
Michael Bloomberg 5-1
Mike Huckabee 25-1
Ron Paul 100-1
Mike Gravel 500-1

You’re welcome.

This might be the worst commercial in the history of commercials. It’s got all the telltale signs of a real piece of crap: bad use of a pop song, overacting, gross dramatization of denture cream, and misuse of senior citizens.

The poster on Youtube disabled the necessary code to put the video right here so you’ve got to click this link:

Link

You’re welcome.

Last Thursday Congress passed a rebate plan that will send checks to Americans in late spring or early summer. The typical family of four will receive $1,800 in “rebates” as a move to either spur the economy or get people elected or both. For now, we’ll set aside the issue that the government is just giving us back what was rightfully ours in the first place. Instead, we’re focusing on four things we’d like to see Americans do with their refund checks that will provide meaningful impact to the economy:

1. Pay down your credit card debt
2. Use the rebate for closing costs to refinance your risky home mortgage
3. Pay down your home equity line which you used to finance your Brazilian cherry floors and granite countertops
4. Make a couple extra Hummer payments

And because we care about you so much, here are four things you definitely should not do with your refund check:

1. Cash the check for 1,800 singles and head to a strip club
2. Lay it all on the Jets in ‘08
3. Spinner rims on the Pinto
4. Two words: “All in”

You’re welcome.

If you’re like me, when you go shopping for lingerie for your gal this site can be a help. It’s called KnickerPicker.com and it allows you to have models try on the lingerie so you can actually see it on a woman. You can even have them turn around and come closer for a better look if need be.

For me, the hardest part (no pun intended, ok, yes it was) of buying something for Mrs. Mark O. is figuring out what the damn thing actually looks like. I mean, come on, who can tell what all those straps and lace and slivers of material actually look like on a woman? half the time I can’t figure out which is the front and which is the back. And god forbid if it falls off the hanger! If that happens I just drop it on the floor and run to another rack.

Anyhow, the models aren’t the hottest, but what do you expect from a UK online lingerie store anyhow? I’m sure these gals are about the best Brighton has to offer. At least they have decent teeth…

Not really safe for work. And a decent time waster even if you don’t need to buy anything before next Thursday.

You’re welcome.