Coffee, two sugars, one pair of pants, keep the change

Dateline: Lake Mary, Florida.

According to local news and the Lake Mary Police, a man went through a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through naked from the waist down. A story like that gets our keyboard all a-twitter for the endless possibilities for absurd commentary.

First, we’ll point out that this is yet another example of why we don’t watch the local news. Ever. Mix in a faulty weather forecast, a few murder and arson stories, and some douchebag at the sports desk and you get every local news cast in every city in this country.

Second, the quality of reporting here is fantastic- note in the beginning that the “reporter” is holding a cup of coffee while going through the drive-through, presumably to re-enact the illegal behavior. One can only hope that the re-enactment stopped with the coffee cup and that this reporter actually kept her pants on. Also note the cheapshot the reporter gets in when she states the only thing the naked guy had going for him was his red Corvette, a clear veiled slam on the perps’ genitalia. Nothing classier than a beat reporter slamming a dude’s junk on the newscast.

Thirdly, and more random, search Youtube for “Man gets coffee without pants” and the very first video that comes up is some Ron Paul video. We’re not kidding- try it if you don’t believe us. That should fuel the fire for the Ron Paulite conspiracy theorists out there.

Finally, we thought maybe it would be appropriate for Dunkin’ Donuts or another coffee chain to name a couple drinks in honor of the naked customer. We came up with a few off the top of our heads- how about a “Cockaccino”? Or maybe a “Caffe Nopants”? Or how about a “Caramel Ballsiato”? Feel free to send any suggestions you can come up with to editor@redrenee.com.

Enjoy the “news” story.

You’re welcome.