In almost thirty years of playing soccer, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to do this- but never been able to. Maybe some day! Happy Monday.

Jeff Mead is my idol. This is classic small town retribution. I may fly to Allenspark, CO just to be his first customer.

You’re welcome.

Scouring the internets for a good deal on a boat and came across this add on e-bay. Amazingly, this seller has gotten 14 bids on a 24″ boat. Maybe the bidders are those squirrels that can waterski.

You’re welcome.

Here’s a quasi-compelling video of country rocker Tim McGraw tossing out one of his fans during the show. The interesting thing to watch is the band continues to vamp while Tim wrastles with the fan, as if the incident is a frequent occurrence or as if it were staged WWE-style.

This guy is either completely nuts or has the biggest set in Australia. It makes me wonder what exactly did his wife do to him to make him want to jettison his entire life? No matter what, exactly how long do you think it will be before his life story is a movie? Rumor has it he’s already sold the rights but I haven’t been able to confirm that. And what the heck…if you’ve got some cash laying around and have a visa to live and work Down Under, why not give it a shot? Sounds like a pretty decent life…

Heads up. Knickerpicker.com has added several more models in a wider array of body types and shapes. Just in case you couldn’t find one you liked before.

http://www.knickerpicker.com/dressing-room.asp

How many of us have computer-illiterate parents, friends or spouses? Probably most of us. And they always call for help with a description of the problem that probably sounds like this:

“I don’t know what happened. I was trying to open the picture file that I downloaded from my AOL email, you know, the one that your brother sent to Mom and me of little Johnny in the wading pool, and then an error popped up that something about something that I didn’t understand so I just x’ed it out and then another message popped up but it disappeared before I could read it and now I can’t find my AOL or my pictures so I just turned the damn thing off and called you.”

Gee, thanks. I know exactly what happened and how to fix it (not!)

Luckily, help has arrived. Now you can connect to someone else’s computer via the internet and take control of it just like those IT support people your company uses. Yes, the ones in India. All you need to do is go to this site and get the free download.

Once loaded on both computers, this program will give you full access to the other computer. Not to worry, the helper must have permission from the helpee and the helpee can disconnect at any time, just in case you try to open the folder called “Our Will” and dear old Dad doesn’t want you to find out that your brother is getting everything….

Anyhow, you will probably need to help your (parents, spouse, idiot friend) download and install the software the first time, which could be a chore, but grin and bear it knowing that it’s the last time you’ll ever have to hear the phrase “Do you have a minute so I can try and explain what I was doing when the damn computer lost my stuff?” Ugh.

You’re welcome.

This is not a spoof. This is for real and I simply don’t know what else to say:

You’re welcome. Sort of.

OK, here’s how it goes….

Go to Hartsfield airport for flight to Vienna. Get shitfaced. Get cut off. Try to set plane on fire. Go to jail.

Yep, that’s the story here. Gotta give mad props to the TSA for spotting that lighter. They’ve got that new millimeter wave thingy now that basically strips you nude looking for bombs and weapons but they still can’t keep lighters off of airplanes. At least they took my exfoliating face scrub last time I flew because it was over 3 oz. Sheesh. And yes, I did get a zit.

When I first tried this it was pretty boring, but then I clicked on Manic Mode! And it got a lot more fun. If you leave it set this way and then keep the window open behind whatever else your doing, every time your mouse inadvertently touches a bubble it pops! What will they think of next?

You’re welcome.

We’re filing this under “Tips to make the world a better place”. We’re not elitist or anything, but enough is enough. Too much of America is mispronouncing the word “chipotle” by reversing the “l” and the “t” and pronouncing it “chipolte”. Largely the same group of people that pronounce nuclear “nucular” (I’m looking at you George Bush).

So, please, repeat after me….”chipotle”. Click here if you’re still unsure.

You’re welcome.

Nothing like creative nerds with time on their hands. For your Monday viewing pleasure, a bitchslap in super slow motion.

You’re welcome.

In case you missed it, and even if you’re not a big golf fan, Tiger Woods’ last six holes on Saturday during the 3rd round of the U.S. Open were simply amazing. Kirk Gibsonian might be a little too dramatic a description, but damn near considering knee pain, two eagles, and a chip-in birdie, all beginning on hole 13.

And in case you missed it Sunday, Tiger birdied 18 to force a playoff with Rocco Mediate on Monday.

Humor, the way only The Onion can deliver. Enjoy!

‘Warcraft’ Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing ‘Warcraft’

I don’t know what I like best about this video…Is it the fact that he actually made the jump and landed on the board? Or that he racks himself so hard that he actually blows off a shoe? Or that he decides to go sit in the middle of the street afterwards to put his shoe back on? What do you think?

Skateboarder Has Terribly Painful Landing - Watch more free videos

Finally a quantum advance in the “big-ass embarrassing sun glasses” field!

Ever look in the mirror and think “I could use a plastic face shield or something approximately the size of cantaloupe slice across my eyes”? Aren’t you in luck. Enter the HD Vision Wraparound Sunglasses.

Apparently “modern European style” translates to “due for an ass-kicking” in English. And don’t forget to ask for the night vision wraparounds to ensure you getting your ass kicked isn’t just confined to the daylight hours.

Apologies for the audio and video quality of the clip- you get what you pay for on the internet.

No idea how I missed this one but have to put it up. My Alma Mater gets a shout out, or more accurately gets the blunt end of a good joke. And for the record, Westerville South = Total Gaylords. Westerville Central wasn’t even built when I was in high school.

Enjoy!

Helping out fellow motorists and avoiding speed traps has entered the 21st century. Who needs a radar/laser detector? All you need is your cell phone! Check out Trapster.com. I know I’ll be signing up for both me and Mrs. Mark O.!

You’re welcome.

This is compelling TV indeed. The King of Star Search, Publisher’s Clearing House, and the Gold standard for talk show sidekicks is losing his mansion due to foreclosure. A mansion mind you that’s neighboring “The Britney Spears Experience”. If that’s not worth a little extra, I don’t know what is.

According to reports, Ed has had the house on the market for almost two years with a current asking price of $6.25 million. Ed, like a good liberal Hollywood type of course blames the economy in part for his plight. Never mind that according to Zillow.com, Ed’s $6 million house is estimated to be worth about $3.4 million, and he lives in California, the center for out-of-control-real-estate-prices-going-through-a-process-of-getting-under-control. We do give him credit for sacking up on the money management and divorces.

On a side note: he’s got some mysterious neck problem- an alleged “broken neck”. I’m going with a tattoo gone bad or a knife fight with one of his ex-wives. Plus his child-bride breaks down in tears a little bit during the interview.

Enjoy!

And while we’re at it, here’s one of my favorite Kathleen Madigan clips, this one referencing Larry King.

You’re welcome.

It’s been an awfully long week. When that happens, only one thing picks me up for the weekend…More cowbell.

You’re welcome.

The only think missing here are the guys in the audience asking questions about Coors Light. This one doesn’t quite have the passion, but nonetheless, at least one bleep in each sentence has to count for something. Reference our last post on this topic for more fun.

Remember those idiots in college that thought they could fool you by selling you oregano instead of pot? Well it looks like they almost had it right! Check out this dude who is inexplicably trying to make a video about gardening while smoking Salvia.

If you don’t recognize the genus name, Salvia is the family of plants commonly known as sage. Most types of sage are used as herbs for cooking or for their aromatic qualities. However one variety, Salvia divinorum, is a powerful psychedelic that when smoked produces an intense yet short lived high. If you’ll excuse me now, I have to go raid the spice rack!

Gardening on Salvia - Watch more free videos

Looks like all the Democrat drama will come to an end officially this weekend when Hillary Clinton will concede. Too bad for America since the confusion, anger, and abundance of time the Democrats have has led to gems like this:

and this:

You’re welcome.

We’ve had some more technical difficulties, this time with our web editor. We’ve had to change the look of the site a bit while we figure out what the hell happened. Sorry for the visual inconvenience.

Red

Wouldn’t you love to be the cop that responds to the alarm that these idiots set off? I give max props to the lookout. He was doing his job so well he never saw the first rock coming. However his partner, the Worst-Window-Breaker-in-the-World, is my nominee for Total Dumbass of the Year.

Either he didn’t see/hear his buddy get owned by the first rock due to his 100% dedication to the task at hand, or he thought there was a cumulative effect to slinging rocks at shatterproof glass and didn’t want the effects of the first rock to wear off. In either case you’d think he would at least stand back or use his partner’s unconscious body as a shield before launching the second rock.

You think the cop that responded just cuffed them where they landed and then set up a lawn chair and waited for them to wake up? I would.