The News Desk

Busy week last week so time to catch up on the news…

Mark O. brought you the story about the transplanted Brit living in Australia Ian Usher who decided to auction off his life. Included in the offer was his house and all its contents, a car, a motorcycle, a jet ski and some other crap. Well, the auction closed and unfortunately for Mr. Usher, the final bid was a fiscal metaphor for his life- disappointing. The auction closed and while Usher had hoped to get at least $480,000, he ended up getting $382,712. Congratulations and good luck in your new life.

Scientists at M.I.T. by way of a study using gerbils have proven that certain foods can make you smarter. According to the study, choline (found in eggs), uridine monophosphate (found in beets), and docosahexaenoic acid (found in fish oils) all made the gerbils smarter. The scientists also concluded that several foods will make you dumber- Hot Pockets, Almond Joy candy bars, and weed.

Speaking of weed, Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend Camila Alves had a baby boy last Monday- Levi Alves McConaughey. According to McConaughey, he and his girlfriend have “…created the greatest miracle in the world.” Let us all hope there are greater miracles in the world and may God have mercy on our souls.

Also in baby news, Nicole Kidman an her husband Keith Urban gave birth to a six pound baby girl named Sunday Rose Kidman Urban, or Sunday Urban for short, or “suburban”, which is what that kid will get called in the school yard if it’s even slightly overweight.

Finally, in very disturbing news, four words that should never be used in one sentence: “Verne Troyer” and “sex tape”. Thankfully, a Judge has shut down the release and distribution of a sex tape featuring Verne and his ex-girlfriend. The judge ruled that Troyer’s attorneys “demonstrated that he (Troyer) will suffer irreparable harm to his reputation” should the tape be released. That’s reason enough in my mind for that thing to never see the light of day.

You’re welcome.