Reflections on the DNC convention courtesy of Jon Stewart. Enjoy.

You’re welcome.

Much will be made in the early part of this college football season about this team playing this pansy or that team playing that helpless JV team. We’re here to set you straight (as usual) and provide you with the truth, mostly the whole truth, and nearly nothing but the whole truth. And analysis of the facts is a little startling.

Did you know….of the teams in the AP top 15, only two are not playing I-AA opponents this season (USC and Texas). That’s a clear nod to a system that is broken in that teams really aren’t penalized for that kind of scheduling, in-state rivals or not.

Worse still, 5 of the AP top 15 are playing I-AA teams that had losing records last season and aren’t even in the I-AA top 25 poll. These offenders include Oklahoma, Missouri, Auburn, Kansas, and Arizona State.

Here is the AP Top 15 with the name of the I-AA opponent they’re playing and the opponent’s 2007 record and their 2008 I-AA ranking:

1.) Georgia - Georgia Southern (7-4, ranked # 17)

2.) Ohio State - Youngstown State (7-4, ranked # 12)

3.) USC - Notre Dame (2-9, not ranked, eat it Domers)

4.) Oklahoma - Chattanooga (2-9, not ranked)

5.) Florida - Citadel (7-4, # 23)

6.) Missouri - Southeast Missouri State (3-8, not ranked)

7.) LSU - Appalachian State (12-2, # 1)

8.) West Virginia - Villanova (7-4, # 21)

9.) Clemson - Citadel (7-4, # 23)

10.) Auburn - Louisiana-Martin (4-7, not ranked)

11.) Texas - None

12.) Texas Tech - Eastern Washington (9-4, # 7)

13.) Wisconsin - Cal Poly (7-4, # 14)

14.) Kansas - Sam Houston State (7-4, not ranked)

15.) Arizona State - Northern Arizona (6-5, not ranked)

You’re welcome.

Many of you have probably seen the ad that appeared in the Los Angeles Times on Monday with new UCLA Head Coach Rick Neuheisel calling his shot against the USC Trojans.

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Gotta love cross-town rivalries. Not to be outdone, Trojan fans have responded in proper fashion by photoshopping the original (as seen on www.wizofodds.com) and improving it ever so slightly.

Bring on the smack and bring on the season!!

Vive la junk

The Ohio State Buckeyes may not verbalize thoughts of redemption or revenge this year, but Buckeye nation certainly is. We’ve seen a lot of homemade fan videos, but this one certainly gets an Emmy for production quality.

Enjoy!

College football officially kicks off Thursday night with the usual smattering of JV matchups. The first Saturday isn’t spectacular either as far as opening weekends go, but definitely has a couple games you need to watch:

NC State @ South Carolina
Thursday, 8pm ESPN
Admittedly, this isn’t a great matchup, but if you’re like me, you’ll take any sniff of a decent game on a Thursday night, let alone the very first Thursday of the season. South Carolina is favored by 12 and we like ‘em by at least 14.

Hawaii @ Florida
Saturday, 12:30pm Gameplan
This game is officially subtitled: “wish this were played last year”. Hawaii is a shell of what they were last year, and Big Urb and the Gators crush shells.

USC @ Virginia
Saturday, 3:30pm ABC
There are only two things compelling about this game. 1.) Will Mark Sanchez’ knee cap be on the front or the side of his leg? 2.) Will the long road trip and jet lag for USC allow the Cavaliers to cover the spread (20 points). Answer key: 1.) Front, just like Carson Palmer’s, 2.) No, Trojans by 28+.

Utah @ Michigan
Saturday, 3:30pm ABC
File this one under “morbid curiosity” but I can’t wait to watch RichRod’s Ann Arbor debut against what should be a decent Utah team. The line opened at 4 and has fallen back to 3 1/2 which basically makes this a pick ‘em. Given what happened in Michigan’s opener last year, I don’t think it’s overdramatic to say this game sets the tone for Michigan’s season. Either way, you should watch this game. Michigan by 3 in overtime.

Appalachian State @ LSU
Saturday, 5:00pm ESPN
LSU will win. Sorry underdog fans.

Alabama @ Clemson
Saturday, 8:00pm ABC
The headline is “mid-tier SEC team vs. ACC elite”. Of course, “ACC elite” is the same as gold rims on a Ford Focus (no offense to Focus owners). I like Clemson for a lot of reasons, mostly because they’re at home and they’ve got a well-balanced team. Clemson’s young offensive line and Alabama’s defense will keep the game very close. You should watch this game.

Illinois vs. Missouri (in St. Louis)
Saturday, 8:30pm ESPN
Missouri won this game last year 40-34 in what turned out to be watershed seasons for both teams. Missouri finished their year by spanking Arkansas while Illinois finished their season being the spankee at the hands of USC. I don’t see a spanking for either team in this game, but I do like Missouri by about 10 points. The final part of “the Juice Williams” experiment to materialize is consistency, so until I see consistent excellence from him, I’m picking the other team.

You’re welcome.

With the conclusion of the Olympics in Beijing on Sunday, a proper retrospective is in order (limited of course to the mainstream events- sorry don’t have time to search through all the Judo or synchronized swimming footage).

First the good thoughts: the single greatest performance of the games was Jamaican Usain Bolt obliterating the field in the men’s 100m sprint. It wasn’t just that he set a new world record, it was how he did it. He built up a massive lead in such a short period of time and even let up the last 20 meters or so in order to do a little showboating. With that speed and 6′5″ height, memo to NFL GM’s- throw that dude some footballs and see if he catches any. (technical note: NBC blocks Olympic videos on Youtube so you’ll have to translate this vid):

Second greatest performance has to go to Jason Lezak in the final leg of the Men’s 4X100 freestyle relay (swimming). Down a body length with less than 50 meters to go and Michael Phelps’ gold medal streak on the line, Lezak hunted down Frenchie Alain Bernard to grab the gold.

What’s amazing is not only did Lezak swim the fastest 100 meters in history, he also bested his fastest personal time by more than a second and a half. Phelps’ 8 gold’s will forever be in the record books and also what everyone will talk about, but Lezak’s performance is one of the gutsiest and awe-inspiring I’ve ever seen in any sport. Once again, NBC screws me (and you) by not allowing the video to be embedded. Sorry.

Here’s the link

Or, you can watch this video which is very similar:

Third best performance also goes to Usain Bolt, this time in the men’s 200m sprint. Maybe I’m biased in when it comes to sprinting because anyone with two functioning legs can open their front door and start running, whereas most other Olympic events require basic instruction just to simulate the event. Once again Bolt obliterated the field, this time breaking Michael Johnson’s 24 year old world record and doing it in stunning fashion. Yet another thwart from NBC, but this video gives you an alluring blend of French play by play with bizarre Jamaican rap.

Now on to what sucks about the Olympics. First and most glaring is gymnastics- and there’s plenty here to really get me riled up. The scoring system still sucks and is too subjective and inconsistently applied. The Chinese clearly broke the age rules (have to be 16 during year of Olympics) and yet not only got away with it, but won the team gold. This girl (He Kexin, won gold in uneven bars) looks like she might (emphasis on might) be 14 years old. She sure as hell isn’t 16. Total bullshit.

Also pissing me off in gymnastics is their tiebreaker rules. American Nastia Liuken and the aforementioned He Kexin of China both scored 16.725 on the uneven bars. As a result of the tiebreaker, Kexin got the gold and Liuken got the silver. Again- more bullshit. Most other sports in the Olympics would award two gold medals in this scenario. As an alternate solution, they could have had the gymnasts fight each other for gold. We don’t normally advocate violence in gymnastics but you know you’d watch that.

Another thing that’s ridiculous about the Olympics is the fact that baseball and softball will not be part of the next installment in 2012. Apparently there was a vote and those two sports didn’t make the cut. Of course that begs the question- assuming all events are voted on, how the hell have some of the other “sports” stayed in the games. Take equestrian dressage for example. If you didn’t catch this, it’s basically a horse doing a sequence of dance moves. It’s absolutely and completely absurd. And they give medals out for it. To the humans, not the horses.

Then there’s sailing, for which 33 medals in 11 events were handed out. Like the equestrian events, sailing is an activity for silly rich people and doesn’t really seem to represent the “Olympic spirit”.

Other events that baffle me as to their continued inclusion in the Olympics include badminton (tennis for people who don’t want to run and/or want to recreate “The Matrix” with little racquets), anything synchronized, Shooting (survival tactic, not a sport), and Trampoline (training tool for gymnastics/ski jumping or activity for promiscuous girls on cable shows).

Finally, I leave with you a suggestion to improve future summer Olympics. The decathlon has deep historical roots in Olympic lore but it’s just not compelling anymore, as evidenced by NBC’s coverage of it which amounted to about 15 minutes. Rather than the decathlon in the future, I recommend the “Cracktathlon”. The cracktathlon would consist of 10 events like the decathlon, but would be randomly picked from all Olympic events prior to the start of each event. For example- event # 1…400m sprint. Event # 2…Kayaking. Event # 3…Judo. Good luck.

You’re welcome.

Ok then, I’ll just go get the damn thing myself!

Several things about this interest me in a weird way:

1. The total lack of concern by the father(?).
2. The fact that Mom didn’t believe little Johnny when he said “Sis is in da machine Ma!” and she continued right out the door.
3. The employee who just wishes they would all move so he can finish cleaning the door glass.
4. When they finally get her to come out it looks like a twisted cyborg-game-machine-giving-birth-to-a-human-child-with-help-from-two-human-midwives scene from a Terminator movie.

I guess this is a Verizon viral. Personally, I’d have taken off running and crossed a busy street against the light just to see how many of the “network” I could take out. But that’s just me.

I like a good diner breakfast as much as anyone else, but I’m pretty sure I would fail just as miserably as this guy if I tried to eat Michael Phelps’ breakfast. I especially like the reaction of his cameraperson at about 1:35 when he burps!

Flip through the pages of the University debate manual, way to the back, and you’ll find strategic tractic 27.11: when backed into a corner by your opponent and when shaking your head too and fro’ doesn’t work, drop your pants.

Thus was the tactic employed by Fort Hays State University Debate Coach William “full moon” Hays vs. Pittsburgh Debate Coach Shanara Reid. Not sure how you score the move but I think he won. And yet another example of the Liberal underbelly rearing its’ ugly head (or ass as it were). Be warned, this clip is not bleeped and thus NSFW, but is terribly entertaining.

And while we’re on the topic of the ugly liberal underbelly, how can we forget the original:

To be fair and balanced, we’ve seen the ugly Conservative underbelly as well. Somehow though Karl Rove dancing and rapping seems a little more harmless.

You’re welcome.

By now you know that Anheuser-Busch was sold to a foreign company (InBev of Belgium). Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they are sellouts.

Drop your beer off at my house & I will dispose of it. We’ll teach those bastards.

You’re welcome.

Every two years I get sappy remembering these stories….

You’re welcome.

Aaron Rodgers led the Packers last night in the beginning of the Brett Favre-less era. The Packers lost the pre-season game 20-17 to the Bengals but Rodgers looked sharp going 9-15 for 117 yards. To help bridge the gap for the fans who are still bitter that Brett Favre has gone off to the J-e-t-s, Jets, Jets, Jets, we’ve got two very simple solutions:

Option # 1: Aaron Rodgers should legally change his last name to “Favre”. Aaron Favre. Easy.

Option # 2: The Packers should petition the NFL to allow decimals on jerseys and Aaron Favre should change his number to 4.1 (version 4, patch 1).

This way, since every person in the state of Wisconsin owns at least one Favre # 4 jersey, all of those people will still be able to wear their gear.

Problem solved. You’re welcome.

If you missed coverage of the Olympics Sunday night, you missed one of the greatest swim races I’ve ever seen (admittedly, I haven’t seen many). If you saw it, you know that I’m referring to the men’s 4 X 100 relay. The conclusion of that race is worth watching, even if you’ve already seen it. Unfortunately the punks at NBC don’t provide code to embed the videos here, so I have to give you the link and you have to go surfing. Worth the trip though.

http://www.nbcolympics.com/video/share.html?videoid=0811_HD_SWB_HL_L0194

You’re welcome.

Ever been traveling the highways and byways between rest stops when the need to shock and awe strikes? I sure have, which is why I’ve spent countless hours contemplating ways to rig and ventilate a port-a-potty in our minivan. To no avail yet unfortunately.

Well good news for me and you. Eagle eye Chicago Craig spotted this gem of a product on the internets while browsing for an anniversary gift for Mrs. Chicago Craig. Apparently these lads down in Houston (imagine a Texan came up with this idea) have created a toilet that connects directly to your truck/SUV/urban assault vehicle trailer hitch. Enter…the Bumper Dumper.

According to the marketing materials on the website, the Bumper Dumper is “not just an accessory, it’s a necessity.” Indeed.

The website paints this picture: “Has this happened to you? You’re at the campsite or in the middle of nowhere and suddenly nature calls. What do you do? You squeamishly go looking for a quiet spot behind a bush to do your thing.” And of course the preference to peeing behind a tree is to sit up on top of the trailer hitch and relieve yourself in plain view, and soundshot, of everybody within about 100 feet. There’s not enough Pabst blue ribbon beer to drown that image out.

And the good news is the bumper dumper will hold up to 600 pounds, as this disturbing image shows. Thank goodness, I was afraid my lover and I would not be able to use the bumper dumper at the same time…

Happy traveling. You’re welcome.

More fun from theonion.com. Worth a second look too to read the ticker scrolling at the bottom.

Enjoy!

Pentagon’s Unmanned Spokesdrone Completes First Press Conference Mission

And while I’m at it, here’s another one on the Olympics. This is so funny I almost wet myself- seriously “they’re going to wait until night and bring out the dragons”. That’s some funny stuff.

The Beijing Olympics: Are They A Trap?

And finally, for the love of God, please monitor you Cyrus usage…

Entertainment Scientists Warn Miley Cyrus Will Be Depleted by 2013

Just a few tidbits to help you get your week started right.

First, in case you’re employed and not high on Marijuana, you might have missed the “naked bike ride to demonstrate against oil” or something that took place in St. Louis Saturday night. Let me just say (at least from watching the video) that most people in the ride were not naked, and certainly none of the remotely attractive people were. You can’t bill the stupid night bike ride as a naked ride unless people are actually naked. If it’s a few people riding naked, well the rest of the people just become voyeurs on a bike, and that really should be confined to the internet (or health clubs).

Also not a real smart idea for men to ride bikes naked what with the giant metal bar running across the frame and a slippery seat from all the sweat and all. Actually, on second thought, those people not reproducing might not be such a bad idea after all. Bonne chance!

Next is a tidbit for you regarding “the US Oil crisis” (cue theme music). Both presidential candidates are making much of record profits in the oil industry, particularly the $11 billion Exxon-Mobil made last quarter. Well, did you know…at a rate of 390 million gallons per day consumed in the U.S. and 18.4 cents per gallon in federal gasoline taxes, the federal government is raking in $6.5 billion per quarter and over $26 billion per year. And all that’s without taking on any of the risk or investment that the oil companies are making to generate their profit. If you want to get pissed off and ride around naked about something, do it about the government’s windfall. Get your priorities straight you jackasses.

This also doesn’t include the money each state takes in which averages 21 cents per gallon and is over 30 cents per gallon in New York, Rhode Island, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.

Finally, an appropriate comment on the ridiculous retirement/reinstatement of Brett Favre by ESPN’s Rick Reilly. Enjoy.