If you’re doing some last minute shopping this weekend, don’t look for these products. Nothing cheapens Christmas like annoying commercials and these are three of the worst.

The first is for “The Snuggie” which advertises itself as “the blanket with sleeves!”. That might sound like a good idea if you’re sitting around a room with your mates stoned, but in practice it’s just creepy.

Second is for the Shamwow, which by itself is a fairly harmless product. The problem with the ad is the douchey infomercial “dj” running play-by-play on the liquid soaking up and whatnot. If you are wearing a fake microphone on an infomercial, you are a tool.

The final commercial that makes me want to throw something through the TV is the fast cash company JG Wentworth. Commercials always lose points in my rankings when founders or presidents appear, as is the case here, but a fake opera espousing the benefits of Wentworth is an FCC violation.

You’re welcome.

In honor of the Rod Blagojevich disaster this week and his magnificent helmet full of hair, I present to you the four stages of my hair (the four seasons if you will). One disclaimer in case my hair should read this: I kid because I love; thanks to those of you that have stuck around this long.

In order:

1. Too short
2. Lookin’ good
3. Toupee
4. Chia

Unfortunately phase two only lasts about 8 days.

You’re welcome.

Alright, technically JoePa isn’t 82 until December 21st, but nonetheless… Joe Paterno signed a 3-year extension with Penn State University this week, likely in response to recruiting issues that they continue to encounter with the uncertainty of Paterno’s tenure.

The statement released to the public included the phrase that the university “…might reevaluate their circumstances and alter the arrangement by either shortening or extending its length as necessary.” Or not. Whatever. Way to be committal Nits.

Now that JoePa has a new hip and is part robot, he’s only a high school graduate away from 100. I agree that he should go out on his own terms, but I’m quite fatigued by the triennial retirement watch. I’m sure Penn State fans are as well.

The simple solution to handle the uncertainty while shoring up recruits from fleeing is to replace the timing language in JoePa’s contract with the folllowing:

Joe Paterno will remain as Head Coach of the Penn State football program until Tom Bradley pries the office keys from Paterno’s cold dead hands.

That should about cover it.

You’re welcome.