The list of items to blog about from the Thursday AP article regarding college football’s coaches poll going covert in 2010 is vast. The change happening in 2010 is that the final Coaches’ poll will be secret- that is to say that we won’t get a chance to see the coaches’ final ballot as we do today.

The American Football Coaches Association (AFCA) asked Gallup to study the poll and make recommendations about how to make it more credible and accurate. This alone provides further proof that it’s not that the powers in college football don’t care about fixing the game, it’s that they have no f-ing idea what the problems really are.

Never mind that coaches will be the first to admit that they don’t regularly watch games of teams in their own conference unless they’re playing them the following week, let alone games of other teams out of conference that are top-25 caliber. Never mind that little detail, instead, let’s hire Gallup to look at the “figures”.

I imagine a room full of old white guys and the conversation going a lil’ something like this:

Thurston: “My great great grandson tells me our poll isn’t on the up-and-up.”

Winthorp: “Here, here. Whiskey Sours for all!”

Here’s a modern day re-creation between me and a buddy of mine of that same meeting as we’re driving down the street (the car is a metaphor for college football):

Me: “Bro- the number 5 button on my car stereo presets is busted.”

Bro: (catches on fire)

By all means AFCA, go ahead and cloak the final coaches’ poll in a shroud of darkness; that oughta right the ship. Morons.

Other recommendations by Gallup include looking into reducing the poll to 10 or 15 teams plus eliminating the pre-season poll. Any amount over $1 that the AFCA paid for the study should be classified as a “financial gift” for tax purposes. What a waste of time and money.

Putting a bow on the entire ridiculous exercise was Michigan Coach Rich Rodriguez. When asked about the change, Rich Rod responded:

“By keeping things confidential, I think there will be less hidden agendas.”

First of all RR- it’s fewer hidden agendas, not less hidden agendas. Secondly, by keeping the votes confidential it increases the chances for hidden agendas, not decreases it.

All of this is precisely why nothing gets fixed in college football and why I’m half a step from declaring my allegiance for the NFL- free agency, primadonna players, useless pre-season games, sucky overtime rules all be damned.

You’re welcome.

I know you’ve seen them; you’ve probably bought them. They’re the light bulbs with the “2-year guarantee” on the box. To the manufacturers of these light bulbs- I say piss off.

The bulbs don’t last two years. I’m ecstatic if they last one. It’s all just a marketing ploy to get you to spend three times as much on a stupid light bulb.

I typically buy these for the outside fixtures- the ones that are a pain to replace- the coach lights and the light post light. You have to get out the screw driver and the ladder, take apart the fixture, not drop the little screws in the grass, not drop the glass top of the fixture, and then put the thing back together, all while not falling off the ladder and either providing laughter for your neighbors or breaking something.

Then the bulb burns out after 10 months and I’m left with the bitterness of knowing I’ve got to replace the “fancy bulb” and that there’s no way in hell I’m going to find the time to seek justice on the “2-year warranty”. Buried under thousands of metaphorical piles is the Lowe’s receipt with the evidence of the light bulb purchase. Even if I did take the time to find the receipt, you have to send a letter with a copy of the receipt and then after 8-12 weeks processing, the check for $8 finally arrives. By then Team Pelosi will have found a way to tax refunds and the $8 check would only net out to about $4.50.

No more fancy light bulbs; I’m done with you.

I’m buying the $1.39 bulbs from here on out. Will they last more than two months? I don’t give a shit.

The light bulbs represent the problem with manufacturers and retailers today- they all want you to have a relationship with them. Between all the products that ask/force you to register with them and retailers that force you to carry their “loyalty cards”- it’s too much I say.

I don’t want a relationship- I want the best products at the best prices and I’ll go wherever I can to get that. I’m looking for a casual shopping experience- not a long-term retail commitment.

The other day I had to download software and register my APC battery backup Seriously- all for a piece of backup hardware. It even came with a USB cable so I could “monitor the battery status”.

Check it out Mr. Battery Backup- here’s how this shit is supposed to go down. The power goes out; you back my shit up. End of relationship.

Don’t spam me. Don’t take up space on my hard disk. Don’t put a shortcut on my desktop. Don’t put your files in my Startup menu. We’re keeping it casual Mr. Battery Backup.

And I’m done with loyalty cards. The grocery card, the sporting goods store card, the Barnes & Noble card, the Hallmark card, and on and on and on. I can’t take it anymore.

Here’s how it’s going to go down Ms. Retail Store: I’m going to walk in the front door. If I see something I like, I’m going to buy it. You’re going to give me the best price you can for it. End of transaction. End of relationship. Seriously. You don’t complete me. Go away. I’m not calling tomorrow. It’s over.

You’re welcome.

Making use of the shaking/jiggling ability of the iPhone, software maker Mystic Game Development created an app called “iBoobs” (shown above). The iBoobs application is a computer animation of a large pair of breasts in a bikini top. Shaking the iPhone makes them wobble from side to side, or up and down, depending on the movement.

According to a report, the folks at Apple rejected the app because of “objectionable content”. I didn’t realize inertia, gravity, and nature are all “objectionable”.

I’m not saying I’m the type of dude that would put this app on my iPhone, that is if I were the type of dude to own an iPhone. This would have been an optional app though- users would have had to download it to their phones. It’s not as if the app would just show up in the middle of a conference call (though that would dramatically improve most of the conference calls I spend my time on).

Here’s a video from youtube showing the app in “action”.

You’re welcome.

With the conclusion of the Olympics in Beijing on Sunday, a proper retrospective is in order (limited of course to the mainstream events- sorry don’t have time to search through all the Judo or synchronized swimming footage).

First the good thoughts: the single greatest performance of the games was Jamaican Usain Bolt obliterating the field in the men’s 100m sprint. It wasn’t just that he set a new world record, it was how he did it. He built up a massive lead in such a short period of time and even let up the last 20 meters or so in order to do a little showboating. With that speed and 6′5″ height, memo to NFL GM’s- throw that dude some footballs and see if he catches any. (technical note: NBC blocks Olympic videos on Youtube so you’ll have to translate this vid):

Second greatest performance has to go to Jason Lezak in the final leg of the Men’s 4X100 freestyle relay (swimming). Down a body length with less than 50 meters to go and Michael Phelps’ gold medal streak on the line, Lezak hunted down Frenchie Alain Bernard to grab the gold.

What’s amazing is not only did Lezak swim the fastest 100 meters in history, he also bested his fastest personal time by more than a second and a half. Phelps’ 8 gold’s will forever be in the record books and also what everyone will talk about, but Lezak’s performance is one of the gutsiest and awe-inspiring I’ve ever seen in any sport. Once again, NBC screws me (and you) by not allowing the video to be embedded. Sorry.

Here’s the link

Or, you can watch this video which is very similar:

Third best performance also goes to Usain Bolt, this time in the men’s 200m sprint. Maybe I’m biased in when it comes to sprinting because anyone with two functioning legs can open their front door and start running, whereas most other Olympic events require basic instruction just to simulate the event. Once again Bolt obliterated the field, this time breaking Michael Johnson’s 24 year old world record and doing it in stunning fashion. Yet another thwart from NBC, but this video gives you an alluring blend of French play by play with bizarre Jamaican rap.

Now on to what sucks about the Olympics. First and most glaring is gymnastics- and there’s plenty here to really get me riled up. The scoring system still sucks and is too subjective and inconsistently applied. The Chinese clearly broke the age rules (have to be 16 during year of Olympics) and yet not only got away with it, but won the team gold. This girl (He Kexin, won gold in uneven bars) looks like she might (emphasis on might) be 14 years old. She sure as hell isn’t 16. Total bullshit.

Also pissing me off in gymnastics is their tiebreaker rules. American Nastia Liuken and the aforementioned He Kexin of China both scored 16.725 on the uneven bars. As a result of the tiebreaker, Kexin got the gold and Liuken got the silver. Again- more bullshit. Most other sports in the Olympics would award two gold medals in this scenario. As an alternate solution, they could have had the gymnasts fight each other for gold. We don’t normally advocate violence in gymnastics but you know you’d watch that.

Another thing that’s ridiculous about the Olympics is the fact that baseball and softball will not be part of the next installment in 2012. Apparently there was a vote and those two sports didn’t make the cut. Of course that begs the question- assuming all events are voted on, how the hell have some of the other “sports” stayed in the games. Take equestrian dressage for example. If you didn’t catch this, it’s basically a horse doing a sequence of dance moves. It’s absolutely and completely absurd. And they give medals out for it. To the humans, not the horses.

Then there’s sailing, for which 33 medals in 11 events were handed out. Like the equestrian events, sailing is an activity for silly rich people and doesn’t really seem to represent the “Olympic spirit”.

Other events that baffle me as to their continued inclusion in the Olympics include badminton (tennis for people who don’t want to run and/or want to recreate “The Matrix” with little racquets), anything synchronized, Shooting (survival tactic, not a sport), and Trampoline (training tool for gymnastics/ski jumping or activity for promiscuous girls on cable shows).

Finally, I leave with you a suggestion to improve future summer Olympics. The decathlon has deep historical roots in Olympic lore but it’s just not compelling anymore, as evidenced by NBC’s coverage of it which amounted to about 15 minutes. Rather than the decathlon in the future, I recommend the “Cracktathlon”. The cracktathlon would consist of 10 events like the decathlon, but would be randomly picked from all Olympic events prior to the start of each event. For example- event # 1…400m sprint. Event # 2…Kayaking. Event # 3…Judo. Good luck.

You’re welcome.

Watching the draft got me thinking of the things first rounders will spend their signing bonuses on. A Rolex, a pair of three carat diamond earings, and a house for Momma are all likely on the list. Also on the list is an Escalade- the official car of mack daddies and playas. It also got me to thinking about the Escalade commercials, which for the most part are sleek and hip. What bothers me is the statement uttered in most of them “available DVD navigation”. Don’t believe me, watch this:

Here’s a list of what you don’t get on the $57k base Escalade: heated and cooled front seats, heated stearing wheel, DVD navigation, rearview camera, Intellibeam headlights, sunroof, 22″ chrome wheels, power release second-row seat. And if you’re really feeling bank, yet another option is running boards. So is All-Wheel drive. So for dropping almost $60,000, you have to pay another $10k or so to get the options that should have been included in the first place. A totally pimped out Escalade (before being customized) will run you $69,515.

To Cadillac of North America, we say piss off for making us pay for things that should be included in the base model. What should be included as options for NFL first rounders are: reinforced front seat springs for 350 pound bodyguard/driver, tiny fourth row jump seat for weaselly agent, and a special “weed” compartment with odor neutralizers. Those are options.

You’re welcome.

Dateline: Montpelier, Vermont

An AP story regarding a class action lawsuit brought by Vermont prison inmates evidences just how out of control litigation and wussification is in this country. According to the story, Vermont inmates through the Vermont “Prisoner’s Rights Office” are filing a class action lawsuit to prevent prisons from using Nutraloaf as punishment. Prisoners claim Nutraloaf is punishment and thus requires a formal disciplinary process.

What is Nutraloaf you ask? Thanks to Al Gore and the internets, there are recipes a plenty to be had. The Vermont recipe includes cubed whole wheat bread, nondairy cheese, raw carrots, spinach, seedless raisins, beans, vegetable oil, tomato paste, powdered milk and dehydrated potato flakes. The AP article didn’t cite the exact amounts for each ingredient (sorry). In case you want to make this little diddy at home, or are planning to commit a crime, the Maryland version is pretty similar:

• 6 slices whole wheat bread, finely chopped
• 4 ounces imitation cheddar cheese, finely grated
• 4 ounces raw carrots, finely grated
• 12 ounces spinach, canned, drained
• 2 cups dried Great Northern Beans, soaked, cooked and drained
• 4 tablespoons vegetable oil
• 6 ounces potato flakes, dehydrated
• 6 ounces tomato paste
• 8 ounces powdered skim milk
• 4 ounces raisins

Prisons have long since used differing versions of Nutraloaf (aka “gruel”) for behavior modification- mostly to address inmates who throw human waste, trays, or silverware at the prison staff.

I’ll let you ponder that for a moment: lawyers are defending convicted criminals that throw human waste at prison guards.

According to the article, Vermont Corrections Commissioner Rob Hofmann said “It (the Nutraloaf) tends to have the desired outcome. Once the offender relents, we stop with the Nutraloaf. That’s our goal, to protect our staff and not have them subject to behavior the average Vermonter would find incomprehensible.” Indeed.

Attorney Seth Lipshutz, representing the inmates, says “If it’s punishment, you’ve got to follow the rules. Even in prison you get a little bit of due process.”

Precedent appears to be on the side of the inmates. A federal judge ruled in 1988 that use of Nutraloaf by Michigan Corrections was in fact punishment and required a disciplinary hearing.

Legal precedent is all well and good, but the underlying judgment is flawed therefore I strike the ruling from the record. Let’s get something straight America: prisoners are in prison. They’ve broken the law, often multiple times, and now- and I hate to break the bad news to everyone- they’ve lost the right to throw waste, trays, and/or silverware at other people.

Here’s the Prisoner Bill of Rights according to us:

Prisoners have the right to a horizontal surface of some kind for sleeping and a yard where they can work out and sharpen their shanks for the next riot. They have the right to be reasonably protected from other inmates (the reasonability standard being as long as the staff can do so safely). In turn they should be expected to contribute positively to society by making license plates, participating in MSNBC doc-block specials, and whatnot.

End of memo

To think that convicted criminals should be given a hearing to determine whether or not they should have thrown human waste at Ted the Lunchroom Guard is disgusting. It’s evidence of country gone so far in the direction of political correctness as to eschew any level of common sense. Maybe if we didn’t coddle prisoners to such a degree, they might actually re-enter society rehabilitated.

To these attorneys and the continued wussification of America- we say piss off.

You’re welcome.

I’m angry. Burning red with anger today. So angry I can’t even see straight.

Today, my anger is focused squarely on Senator John Kerry. The Mitchell investigation and continued governmental inquiry into baseball is only a minor annoyance to me since I don’t care for baseball much. But what is Senator Kerry sticking his nose into now? The NFL Network and the fact that the Patriots-Giants game at the end of the season will be broadcast exclusively on the NFL Network.

The reason this is significant is that the Patriots will likely still be undefeated at that point, with a chance to make history by beating the Giants and becoming the second team to go through the regular season undefeated. Do I want every red-blooded American to be able to see that potentially historic game? Of course I do. Do I think it’s every red-blooded American’s right to have the NFL Network? No. Nor is it the role of any governmental official to step into a dispute between a cable network (Time Warner) and a cable channel.

We’ve become such an instant gratification entitlement society that most observers wouldn’t even blink upon hearing Kerry’s comments. And that’s part of the problem.

It’s nobody’s God-given right to get to watch their team every Sunday. The NFL Network risked hundreds of millions of dollars in starting a network from scratch for this very type of opportunity. It’s called capitalism and you better believe I’m not going sit by quietly while some Socialist Senator from Massachusetts tries to interfere. If the Patriots get to the point where they’re playing for 16-0, It will create a significant capital opportunity for the NFL Network, for which they’ve risked much to create that opportunity.

How did we become so soft as a society that we think we deserve everything we want in life.

Don’t get the NFL Network? Go to a sports bar. Don’t want to go to a sports bar? Get Directv (gasp!). Too lazy to switch from cable to Directv? Quit your complaining then.

Thank goodness ESPN’s Dana Jacobsen asked Kerry toward the end …..uhhhhh….don’t you have like more important things to worry about, like the war, the economy, global climate change, etc.? Kerry’s response “of course we do”.

BTW- according www.coopamerica.org, between 1989 and May of 2006, Time Warner made a total of roughly $16 million in campaign contributions, of which nearly $3 million went out during the 2004 election cycle. And of that money, 76% went to Democrats. Shocking. More to the point, according to another website, TimeWarner ranks as the fourth largest contributor to Senator Kerry’s war chest, donating almost $300,000. Again, shocking.

Senator Kerry- Piss off.

About a week ago, I came across our oldest child eating her favorite cereal, Kellogg’s Raisin Bran. She proudly announced that she had added Craisins into the bowl and it was delicious. My ADD/OCD mind never stopping, I thought it might be beneficial for all of the people of America to be able to enjoy this tasty treat. I don’t care for Craisins myself, but I thought that a Raisin Bran with Craisins might finally broker peace between the raisin people and the Craisin people.

I quickly checked Wikipedia (if it exists, it’s got to be in Wiki) to see if such a product had ever been released by Kellogg’s. No evidence there. We also checked Kellogg’s website for evidence of such a product existing. Nothing. We pressed on.

I saw an opportunity to teach our child a lesson about capitalism and the wheels of commerce. The invisible hand of the marketplace. A dynamic, real-world lesson about our wonderful free-market economy. We got a lesson alright.

We quickly dialed up Kelloggs.com and made our way to the comments section to submit our idea. Our submission was filled with cleverness like titling the product “Raisin Craisin Bran”. And after the successful launch of “Raisin Craisin Bran”, producing a Craisin only derivative called “Craisin Bran” (alright, maybe not that clever but we were pleased with ourselves).

We hit send while visions of Nobel Prize acceptance speeches danced in our heads.

And then the wait. At first, we would check the Blackberry almost every hour, hoping to get an e-mail back from the CEO that read “…I’m boarding my private plane right now to come congratulate you in person. Your idea is going to revolutionize both the cereal and the dried, wrinkly fruit industries. ” No response though.

Days passed and still not a word. Then finally, at 11:17pm this past Wednesday, the e-mail we had been waiting for finally arrived. Sort of. (Italicized below for special effect).

Red Renee,

Kellogg North America
PO Box CAMB
Battle Creek, MI 49016-1986

Try explaining that to a child.

My explanation went a lil’ something like this: “You see dear, we live in a litigious society. Lawyers have made it so that you can’t even help little old ladies across the street anymore without getting slapped with an injunction. Kelloggs is afraid that if they do actually come out with a Raisin Bran product that includes Craisins, simply by their acknowledgement of our suggestion, an ordinary lawless citizen would file suit with Kelloggs requesting millions of dollars in compensation. Therefore, their only recourse is to provide us with a response that says ‘we acknowledge receipt of your letter but we cannot admit mental consumption of the fabulous idea.’ The truth is, they’re probably already working on this idea but cannot afford to share the profits with us because low cost generic cereals have slashed the margins in the cereal industry.”

Her response predictably was: “Huh?”

I continued… “It’s like the Seinfeld episodes when first Kramer meets with the Calvin Klein executives to pitch his idea about the fragrance that smells like the beach’. Kramer is shunned initially, but still content with the knowledge that his idea is a winner. He later finds out that Calvin Klein actually produced and marketed that very fragrance and even called it “The Beach”. Dismayed, he confronts Calvin Klein who convinces him to be an underwear model in their advertisements. Kelloggs is simply trying to avoid a confrontation like that. They don’t want me to be their underwear model.”

Second response: “What?”

“It’s like this- Kellogg’s is an evil empire and we’re never buying their cereal again.”

“What are you talking about?”

“O.k., that’s a bluff. All that matters is that we think it’s a great idea. If and when they come out with the Craisin Raisin Bran, we can tell all our friends that it was our idea. And they’ll believe us because I’ll expose the gruff corporate underbelly of Kelloggs on my website.”

Rick Duran III or A.D. David Mackay (CEO), save us and others the trouble next time, just post on your website that you cannot accept fantastic product ideas from consumers because you’re afraid of lawyers. And Craisins.

http://www2.kelloggs.com/ContactUs.aspx

You’re welcome.

The PISOFf (People in search of fairness) brigade is out in full force again. This time the call to arms again involves Directv. You’ll recall the middle of last year when cable subscribers everywhere took to the streets over the “NFL Network” being unavailable on a smattering of cable providers. Thousands of cable subscribers complained that they couldn’t get the NFL Network channel and thus were excluded from seeing some of the NFL games broadcast (for the first time ever) on NFL Network. Boo hoo.

This time, the game is baseball and the U.S. Senate is involved. Rumors started swirling in January and February that Directv had acquired exclusive rights to Major League Baseballs’ “Extra Innings” package which offers up to 900 MLB games a year and allows fans out of market from their favorite team to still see the games. During that period, anyone without Directv would be unable to purchase and watch the Extra Innings package as they do today.

I’m as fanatic of a fan as anyone else so I certainly understand wanting to follow one’s team, especially when living in another city. What I cannot support is the entitlement mentality which has become so pervasive in this country. Entitlement along with hyper-sensitive political correctness is driving the wussification of America and it has to stop. Americans are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Nowhere in the documents of our founding fathers does it state “Americans are entitled to purchase MLB Extra Innings regardless of who their cable or satellite provider is”. Go ahead and check- the Bill of Rights, the Constitution, the Louisiana Purchase. The “MLB clause” is nowhere to be found.

I can certainly understand the folks living in an apartment or condo who aren’t allowed to mount a satellite dish on their patio or on their neighbor’s cat. That’s not a Directv problem though, that’s a “you” problem. Lobby to change the bylaws/covenants of your condo association. Go to a sports bar to see the game. Move. You’ve got lots of options so quit complaining. I have even less patience for the people that complain they’ve got cable, phone, and internet bundled through their cable provider and thus don’t want to change to Directv. Again, that’s a choice your making.

If Directv wants to spend $700 million to buy exclusive rights and try to leverage the MLB package to drive new subscribers- that’s their choice. If MLB wants to risk alienating fans unwilling to switch to Directv, that’s their prerogative too. Morons of America- it’s called capitalism. The outcome of those decisions will be driven by the forces of the open market. If there are so many unhappy people, Directv will not see the extra subscribers and thus not get a return on their $700 million investment. MLB would also be impacted financially by lower tv revenues and drops in attendance by disgruntled fans. And in a capitalistic marketplace, that’s how outcomes are determined. We’re not talking about electricity or water here, we’re talking about superfluous baseball games.

Done deal right? Not even close. For all the half-wits complaining about the potential action, there’s a knight in shining armor for you. It’s Senator John Kerry and the Senate Commerce Committee. In another dazzling display of tax-payer dollar waste from both sides of the aisle, the Senate Commerce Committee held a hearing on behalf of cable tv subscribers and also subscribers of Echostar Communication Corp’s Dish Network. The hearing was filled with sickening examples of just how akimbo our country’s values have become. First from FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, “I am concerned whenever consumers cannot purchase the programming they want, or are forced to purchase programming they don’t want.” Arlen Spector added “When fans react, Congress reacts”. Then there were some quotes from John Kerry including these two gems: “You get MLB and DirecTV marshalling their forces to go out and make money while cutting out fans.” “There’s a whole movement toward fans being screwed by consolidation which raises prices and reduces options.”

When the dust settled on the hearing, MLB had agreed to broker a deal with IN Demand (owned by affiliates of Time Warner, Comcast, and Cox) who would then distribute the Extra Innings package to cable providers. Directv will likely remain the exclusive satellite provider for the baseball package. In conclusion, Senator Kerry added “Everyone kept talking and pressing until we had a deal that protects the rights of most fans to follow their hometown team.” Mr. Kerry- you are wrong. It’s not a right, it’s a privilege. And this deal is not good for Americans. One thing history has shown is that when there is governmental influence in commerce in trade matters leads to higher prices for everyone. So congratulations to all of you that grabbed your pitchforks and torches. I will pay more for my Directv because they won’t see the subscriber boost they expected and you will pay more for your cable because that’s what cable subscribers do, they raise your rates.

You’re welcome.

RedRenee.com is glad to see Britney Spears has moved out of her “Mommy married to a derelict” stage and into her “Courtney Love/Melanie Griffith” stage.

Here’s who/what Redrenee.com doesn’t care about today (in no particular order):

• Daisuke Matsuzaka
• Allen Iverson
• Terrell Owens (yep, still don’t care about T.O.)
• Hollywood babies (imported or grown; we care about the babies, just not the publicity of them).
• Award Shows
• Leisurely shoppers that clog shopping malls on the weekend. Weekends are for gamers. If you’ve got time to kill, go during the week.
• Mall pimps. You know, the people that set up shop on the “medians” in the mall. Trying to put moisturizer on your face, spray crap on you, or convince you that the world is a better place with an “ultimate mix tape.” Pepperidge Farm and those little ice-cream dot from space people- you’re ok.
• I-Pods
• What type of ball the NBA uses
• People who complain that their crappy cable provider doesn’t offer NFL Network. Memo to you morons- there’s an ism at play in this country called Capitalism. If you don’t like the service you’re getting from your ___ provider, find someone else. Or get Directv. Dopes.
• Companies that use 8-letter words to represent their companies phone number (like 800-FOOTBALL). Phone numbers in this country are seven digits plus area code.
• Search engines that “push” instead of “search”
• American Express “My Wishlist” promotion
• Pharmaceutical ads