Dateline: Lake Mary, Florida.

According to local news and the Lake Mary Police, a man went through a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through naked from the waist down. A story like that gets our keyboard all a-twitter for the endless possibilities for absurd commentary.

First, we’ll point out that this is yet another example of why we don’t watch the local news. Ever. Mix in a faulty weather forecast, a few murder and arson stories, and some douchebag at the sports desk and you get every local news cast in every city in this country.

Second, the quality of reporting here is fantastic- note in the beginning that the “reporter” is holding a cup of coffee while going through the drive-through, presumably to re-enact the illegal behavior. One can only hope that the re-enactment stopped with the coffee cup and that this reporter actually kept her pants on. Also note the cheapshot the reporter gets in when she states the only thing the naked guy had going for him was his red Corvette, a clear veiled slam on the perps’ genitalia. Nothing classier than a beat reporter slamming a dude’s junk on the newscast.

Thirdly, and more random, search Youtube for “Man gets coffee without pants” and the very first video that comes up is some Ron Paul video. We’re not kidding- try it if you don’t believe us. That should fuel the fire for the Ron Paulite conspiracy theorists out there.

Finally, we thought maybe it would be appropriate for Dunkin’ Donuts or another coffee chain to name a couple drinks in honor of the naked customer. We came up with a few off the top of our heads- how about a “Cockaccino”? Or maybe a “Caffe Nopants”? Or how about a “Caramel Ballsiato”? Feel free to send any suggestions you can come up with to editor@redrenee.com.

Enjoy the “news” story.

You’re welcome.

This might be the worst commercial in the history of commercials. It’s got all the telltale signs of a real piece of crap: bad use of a pop song, overacting, gross dramatization of denture cream, and misuse of senior citizens.

The poster on Youtube disabled the necessary code to put the video right here so you’ve got to click this link:

Link

You’re welcome.

We’d like to look longingly back at the commercials from the 2008 Super Bowl, but we really can’t. The field was for the most part mired in mediocrity, with very little humor or cleverness. Worse still, there were loads of just bad commercials. Take the Salesgenie.com ads for example- they sucked. An apparent attempt at ripping off the “Erin from E-Surance” ads, they were neither clever nor well-executed. Par for the course considering some of their past efforts (little kid talking about how much Dad works and then Dad bringing home a puppy). A puppy!

Even commercials that we thought showed promise grossly disappointed. Take the two water spots for example: the Sobe “Life Water” ad with Naomi Campbell and the lizards dancing to “Thriller” had so much potential, and yet went nowhere. The premise is great- lizards re-enacting Thriller and the duality of Michael Jackson no longer being a human. Unfortunately, there were too many execution problems with the commercial. First, there needed to be a background- give us some hazy fog, a cemetery, something dammit. Second, the constant switching back and forth between the lizards and Naomi Campbell was ill-timed and pointless. In fact, Naomi Campbell was pointless for the entire spot. Again- the spot was a good concept but went absolutely nowhere.

The second water commercial was Vitamin Water’s “Horse Race” ad featuring Shaq riding a horse. Again- loads of potential in the concept, little delivery in the execution.

Finally, and most disappointing, were the Budweiser ads. Bud can usually be counted on for some quality entertainment but they must’ve fired their ad department this year. The worst of the bunch was the caveman ad which, besides being annoyingly cliché while trying to take advantage of the current “caveman fad”, just wasn’t funny or compelling, and was barely watchable.

As further proof that I continue to slip away from the general population’s likes and dislikes, here’s USAToday’s favorite commercial according to AdWatch- it’s a little clever and mildly watchable, but a $3 million ad buy for this?:

You’re welcome.

The championship game Monday night put a bow on the 2007-2008 Bowl season and has provided another batch of interesting data for use in comparing conference bowl performance. As we’ve updated you periodically, we’ve put together our own Bowl Challenge as a response to ESPN’s “Bowl Challenge Cup”.

ESPN’s results are shown below, modified slightly. They actually have the Sun Belt in 1st place by virtue of their win in their only bowl game. We’ve set the criteria that a conference must have played at least four games in order to be considered.

As a refresher, here’s how we came up with our points system:

* Lose as the favorite or lose and not cover the spread - 0 points
* Lose but cover the spread - 1 point
* Win but don’t cover the spread - 2 points
* Win and cover the spread - 3 points

The point totals are then divided by the total number of games each conference played, and the highest final score wins the challenge. First, here are the combined point totals accumulated by each conference throughout the bowl games:

Then, when you divide the above points by the total number of games, you get the winner. What does it all mean? Not much. It means that according to our crude calculations, the SEC performed better than the other conferences in bowl games. It also means that the Pac-Ten and the Mountain West should probably get more credit for their performance than they’re getting (none).

You’re welcome.

Apparently the 20 million+ viewers watching Dancing with the Stars each week isn’t enough for ABC. First they brought on Heather Mills to dance with one leg. Now Marie Osmond is passing out on stage while being critiqued by Simon Cowell errrr Len Goodman. What’s next, bringing Al & Tipper Gore out on stage for a lil’ dirty dancing? Please no.

Just when I think reality tv can’t get any more ridiculous and unwatchable, one of the big three networks surprises me by proudly rolling out more garbage. The latest installment of proof that network executives will put anything on tv comes from CBS. Premiering Wednesday, January 10 at 8pm on CBS will be “Armed and Famous”, a real masterpiece of crap from Producers Tom Forman (Extreme Makeover: Home Edition), Jeffrey Kramer (Ally McBeal), and Michael Braverman (Jesse Ventura’s America).

I bet if you try hard, you can probably guess at least one of the attention whoring D-listers that signed up for this show. I’ll save you the trouble of wasted thought. The “cast” includes Erik Estrada, La Toya Jackson, Jason “Wee Man” Acuna, Jack Osbourne, and seven-time WWE champion wrestler Trish Stratus. Shocking neither of these five had anything better to do.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/armed_and_famous/

The gist of the plot is the five aforementioned morons will train to become sworn police officers of the Muncie (Indiana) Police Department and then police the streets. There are only two redeeming elements to this waste of network air: 1.) In the press release CBS promises that the trainees will each find out what it’s like to be “on the receiving end of a taser” (I will be Tivoing that episode) and 2.) the obvious references to Erik Estrada’s CHiPS past. Also sure to come is an episode filled with one or more of the rejects feigning sincerity about what it means to be a police officer and how they’re honored to serve the people of Muncie. Sorry Hollywood, you can’t mock one of the most important professions in this country and then allow your “Troupe de Dipshit” to act like they care.

This show along with all the other bottom-tier reality shows (Dancing with the Stars, The Simple Life, The Surreal Life, etc.) amount to nothing more than welfare for C & D list celebs. The networks are subsidizing their egos while giving them enough of a paycheck to draw even on the house payment in Malibu and the Benz. It’s time to kick these derelicts off welfare and make them get real jobs, like hosting a game show. Just say no America.

You’re welcome.