Doing my best to keep you current…

Surveying the Big Ten from SEC country
Here’s a humorous review of the Big Ten from EDSBS.com, with an albeit sexual tone.

Somebody has a future in the WWE
I’m not sure how many fantasy points bloodying your own head is worth, but somehow I think Owen Schmitt isn’t interested in his roto performance.

And the bodies hit the floor
Speaking of fantasy points, click the link to see fantasy superstar WR Andre Johnson blow up 3/4 of the Cardinal secondary on the way to the end zone. Damn he’s good.

I am very much looking forward to kicking your ass good sir
I love India for their helpdesk expertise, Bollywood, and how their pilots and flight crew get into fist fights at 30,000 feet.

Pack of raccoons mauls 74-year old woman
Dateline: Lakeland, Florida. According to Polk County Sheriff, a woman was attempting to chase a pack of raccoons from her yard when the pack turned on her and “filleted” her, giving her extensive cuts from her neck to her legs. Since the attack, animal control has attempted to catch the raccoons with cat food and sardines. I have no formal animal control training but it would seem to me that the pack of raccoons in question can be lured by 74-year old women.

You’re welcome.

Busy week so time to catch up on current affairs…

And for my next trick…fire!
The frumpy Scot Susan Boyle didn’t win Britain’s Got Talent, instead a dance troupe named “Diversity” took home the prize. Not that Diversity isn’t talented, but what I saw from them was nothing more than what you would see on any cheerleading competition on ESPN2 (not that I make a habit of watching those).

Conservatism making a comeback…
The state of Ohio and Conservatives around the country got a bit of good news when John Kasich announced he’s running for Governor in 2010. Kasich was a prolific Congressman before stepping down to spend more time with his family. I couldn’t be happier to see him back in the game and hope that he is unable to win the governship.

Do as I say, not as I do
Obama and the Dems expect a swift confirmation of Supreme Court Nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Thankfully, the Wall Street Journal posted a level-setting article reminding everyone how Obama voted when Chief Justice John Roberts was up for review. Hypocrites I tell you- all (nearly all) politicians are hypocrites, even the anointed one (gasp!).

The CEO of the State Teacher’s Retirement Fund
This is a fun database to peruse. The Sacramento Bee put together a database of the highest paid public employees in California. Top of the list is the CEO of the State Teacher’s Retirement Fund John Ehnes. Mr. Ehnes has gross annual compensation of nearly $700,000 per year according to the database. Gosh- I wonder if Obama will target Mr. Ehnes and state employees earning over $200k??? Of course not- that wouldn’t be politically savvy.

ACC Speed
Apparently Ohio State wasn’t satisfied letting the national perception damage occur solely during football season. The Ohio State baseball team went out of the NCAA tournament in a blaze of glory falling 37-6 to Florida State. FSU scored the 37 runs on 38 hits and had a total of 66 bases, both tournament records (for futility). Florida State also hit 15 doubles. In one game. 15 doubles. I can already hear Colin Cowherd using that as justification why Ohio State is going to lose to USC in September…

You’re welcome.

Dateline: Bowen, Australia

That’s right, spiders almost as big as this girl

According to a report, giant bird-eating tarantulas are popping up in public spots all over Bowen Australia. “Bird-eating” and “tarantula” shouldn’t ever, I repeat ever be used together.

The report says the spiders are bigger than an adult male’s hand, so big that the legs of the spider would hang over the side if a man was holding it. There are only three things that should be described as “hanging over the sides” of a man’s palm- stacks of cash, cheeseburgers, and breasts.

This story has prompted Australia to drop a few spots on my “places I’d like to visit” list. Conversely though, it’s gone up a few spots on my “places to walk around with a loaded cross-bow” list.

You’re welcome.

Following TomTom to the EdgeEdge.
A 34-year old UK man followed his nav system up a steep narrow footpath and nearly off a cliff, claiming the following:

It kept insisting the path was a road, even as it was getting narrower and steeper, so I just trusted it.

Read here for the full story.

Very Nice Purse. It’s Very Large.
There’s a group of guys at Purdue University - maybe you’ve heard of them - the compliment guys. From 12:30 to 2:30 every Wednesday they stand outside the Science building and compliment random people walking by. According to the article, when asked whether they’re trolling for dates “They insist that they’re not, and that they both have girlfriends.” To that we say well played. Well played sirs.

Here’s the video:

And finally, The Cold War isn’t over yet
Memo to Russian Cosmonauts- use your own toilets.

You’re welcome.

Saving you the trouble of finding the news yourself…

Shhhh….Don’t tell anybody- Obama is sending 4,000 more troops to Afghanistan. This on top of the 17,000 he already authorized under cover of darkness. At least he held a press conference for this one- and he actually acknowledged 9/11 this time- how convenient. I suppose the Democrats are comfortable using American tragedy when it suits their political objectives.

Good news- Joe Biden is actually doing something. He’s sending $250 to old people. Woooohoooo! Consider the economy fixed. Why not? It worked so well when George Bush did it…

From CNN.Com- mother of two turns to stripping. Something tells me she probably would have ended up there eventually anyways. Here’s the video:

Great news: Rolls Royce is coming out with a smaller, cheaper car. The 200EX is expected to hit the showrooms in April 2010 and will be priced in the $250k-$300k range. Nice car but the finest luxury sports sedan for my money is the Maserati Quattroporte. If any of you work for Maserati- let’s work out a sponsorship deal. I need a Quattroporte in my garage.

I simply can’t add anything to this title: “Inmate heats sausage in toilet, sparks fire”. Yep, that just happened.

President Obama has a special Socialist message for some key bank CEO’s:

You’re welcome.

As seen on theonion.com- “Point In Evening Reached Where Everyone Tries To Lift Biggest Friend“.

Line of the day at everydayshouldbesaturday.com from this post: “…says his wife’s favorite sexual position is “a number,” which we’re pretty sure means 91, where she sleeps, and he masturbates and cries quietly.” Classic.

Fred Durst feels compelled to remind everyone that he’s less relevant than Brittany Spears. And apparently he still thinks fondly of their unofficial relationship from 2003.

Team Obama is operating with a skeleton staff in both the Treasury and State Departments, but good news- the Science Adviser is on board.

You’re welcome.