I spent the better part of yesterday on airplanes traveling around this great country of ours. I am a far less tolerant person tomorrow because of it.The first of the two legs went fairly well. On-time departure and arrival. Two bags of peanuts and all the apple juice I could suck down in the 30 seconds between when the cup was handed to me and when the same flight attendant came through to collect cups and trash. I’m still a little bitter about the $2.49 water I purchased before I boarded the plane. With the liquid security regulations at airports, you’d think we could get a little relief on 25 ounces of the most readily available element on the planet. Don’t worry, I’ve asked Nancy Pelosi to look into it.The only problem with flight # 1 was that when I pulled out my earbud headphones, I realized one of the speakers had separated completely from its socket. I’m not an I-Podder or anything, but I do occasionally listen to music off my laptop when I’m working and traveling. A minor annoyance to not have tunes but one that will snowball a little later.
So I get to my layover destination- I won’t reveal its exact location to spare the innocent, but it’s in the Midwest and it’s windy or something. Anyways, I’ve got some time to kill so I grab some lunch (another value-priced endeavor). After lunch, I’ve still got my busted headphones on my mind and more time to kill so I take a stroll over to the CD/Headphone shop in the airport. If you travel at all, you know the store I’m talking about- most major airports have them; they sell CD’s, DVD’s, headphones, $2.49 water, and various other sundries. Sidenote: at this particular airport, there’s a luggage store right next to the cd store. Now this is probably the pot calling the kettle black because I’m somewhat of a procrastinator, but if you wait to get to the airport before buying your luggage, you should probably spend some time on the couch with Dr. Phil.
I digress.
Now that I’m in the market for some new headphones, I thought I might pick up some “noise-cancelling” ones. I figured, since I need some new headphones, why not get some that are good for my hearing? (this is only a supposition on my part; RedRenee.com is officially indemnified against any hearing loss claims that should come about from those who have hearing damage caused from any and all headphones).
I walk up to the salesperson and ask for some “of those fancy noise-cancelling headphones.” He’s on the phone, I think talking to his girlfriend so I’m sure I’ve got his full attention. He points to a set and says “These are noise cancelling, I use them and they’re great” and then continues on with his phone conversation. I look at the headphones and they’re huge. I pause for a moment and wonder whether he thought I meant I was looking for headphones to wear while guiding taxiing airplanes in. My rational mind sets in (the one I usually don’t listen to) and I realize, most noise-cancelling headphones I’ve seen are pretty large.
There are no prices on any of the headphones for sale on the wall (another sign of business legitimacy) so I ask “How much?” The salesperson responds, “$59.99 but for you $55.99,” and then continues on with his phone conversation. Sounds great; I love a deal. For those of you questioning my intelligence (don’t waste your time), let me first defend myself. There’s a principle in effect at airports- it’s called “point in time inflation”. The second you step into their world, you’re operating under their rules. A McDonald’s value meal is no longer $3.99, it’s $7.49. A coffee (not even a fancy one) is $3.49. It’s like all of a sudden, all the prices are in Yen instead of US dollars. I’ll stop there. I’m not convincing you and I’m not convincing me. Fine, I’m an idiot.
So I purchase the headphones, make a mental note to check my credit card statement tonight to make sure I don’t also buy the Salesperson and his girl a new Plasma TV, and I grab a seat to analyze my purchase. I quickly note the packaging surrounding these new headphones is nearly as big as my carry-on bag. This is going to be a problem. The headphones look ok; they’re Philips SHP2500- name brand so I’m doing ok. For some reason, the folks at Philips thought it was important to include about 75 feet of cord with these headphones. Fine if you’re doing a space walk and you want to listen to Snoop from the space shuttle CD player, otherwise and most especially in an airport and on an airplane, no conceivable reason for this. Also, these giant headphones are lined like ear muffs. Let’s just say my ears were actually sweating. Nowhere on the packaging did it mention noise-cancelling either. I have faith in the headphone sales professional that took me for half a hundy so I’ll wait to see how they perform in the sky.
All of this encumbrance must be in the name of superior audio and ultimate noise cancellation. We get up above 10,000 feet and I fire up my laptop and plug the headphones in. I’m sure someone around me is going to say “Sir, pilots should be sitting in the cockpit.” I try to think of a witty response to that but realize nothing witty comes from a person wearing giant earphones.
I don’t know if it’s my computer or my $55.99 headphones but the music is barely audible. I turn up every volume slider bar I can find and still nothing. All I can hear is the ride cymbal and snare drum of any track I dial up. And as far as noise cancellation, nope. Step 1: Turn on the tv or some source of noise around you. Step 2: Now cover your ears with your hands. That’s the noise cancellation these babies delivered.
Then the idiot in front of me reclines his seat back about 45 degrees.
I’m already sandwiched in against the window. My body is now in what I call the “airplane laptop fetal position”. I’ll make it interactive for you:
Step 1: You’re probably already sitting down reading this; if not, sit down.
Step 2: Jam a laptop or flat object into your stomach, right about belly button level
Step 3: Tuck your elbows in tight to your ribcage, so tight that if you hold it for long enough your elbows may actually fuse into your ribs
Step 4: Place your hands just far enough in front of you so that from above it looks like someone is sticking their hands through your stomach and playing the piano on your lap.
Step 5: Now tilt your head to the side and back just crooked enough so that you can see the laptop screen that’s 6 inches from your face, but at a 90 degree angle.
Step 6: Finally, imagine you’re also surrounded by a partially eaten “bag” of peanuts and an empty coffee cup. Awesome.
And my ears are still sweating. And the music isn’t getting any louder.
At least if the plane crashes, my ears will be protected by the massive padding around them. I can imagine pulling myself up out of the wreckage, dislodging my laptop from my abdomen, pushing the person that was in front of me off my lap, and looking up to the NTSA worker and them saying “wow, this guy’s really scraped up but his ears look fantastic!” And then on the Nightly News with Katie Couric…”24 people survived a plane crash in Northern Colorado today including an Ear Model who’s name has yet to be released….”
All of which brings me to my actual point people. If you want to sleep on a plane, do it in the “upright and locked position.” If you can’t sleep that way but are still tired, come a few hours early and sleep in the terminal. Or better yet, sleep in your own freaking bed. Or upgrade that ticket a few thousand dollars to first class. I understand that some people get tired when traveling (car, plane or otherwise). That’s fine. Just don’t reduce my personal space volume by 55% in doing so.
Today, Wednesday, January 10th, RedRenee.com is officially establishing the “International Association Against Seat Reclining on Airplanes” or “IAASRoA”. IAASRoA’s charter rule is the following:
Reclined coach sleeping on airplanes is only allowed on flights lasting 4 (four) hours or more or Red-eye flights.
Follow this rule and the world will be a better place. And the next time the dope in front of you reclines their seat, tap them on the shoulder and state “Sir or Madam, under rule # 1, IAASRoA regulations, I’m going to have to ask you to return your seat to its fully inclined position.” If that doesn’t work, beat them about the head, face, and neck area with your giant headphones. It worked for me.
Now apply that simple idea as you walk across the parking lot to your favorite store. Instead of zig-zagging lazily across the pavement, cut directly across the driveways at a 90 degree angle. It will be safer for you and those of us waiting for you to trod across the parking lot will spend less time waiting for you and more time locking down rock star parking.